QMusings

The Inimitable Ms. Q feels a rant coming on.

I don’t like to rant. Ranting is not research. As you know, all research begins with a glass of red wine.

I can’t recall my last rant. This is good.

I don’t think I was drinking … anything when I ranted.

This is bad.

I would think that ranting would require some type of beverage. A fermented fruit-type beverage.

Hmm.

This means I must do some research. Research is good.

What would be appropriate? A blend. An Australian blend. Okey-dokey-here-we-go.. a nice Shiraz-Cabernet.

What is ranting?

rant: 1. to talk in a noisy, excited, or declamatory manner, 2 : to scold vehemently transitive verb : to utter in a bombastic declamatory fashion

Ranting seems to require a bit of energy. So…high sugar content.

What is bombastic?

Function: adjective, marked by or given to bombast : POMPOUS, OVERBLOWN

Visuals forming …

I see myself using big words, Multi-Syllabic Big Words with plenty of energetic gesticulations.

I see a delicate film of perspiration forming on my smooth white brow.

Uh, oh…I see a non-red wine. A sweet non-red wine. Chilled.

NOOooooo!

I bow to the inevitable and declame that ranting requires a cheap white Zinfandel.

Really cheap. Sweet-and-mildly-irritating cheap.

Poured into a deep wine glass, the better to gesticulate without spilling.

I can see that I won’t be do much ranting.

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

What is it with the Womens’ Restrooms at airports?

Are they cruel jokes by misogynistic engineers? I think so. In fact, if I weren’t so busy ranting, I’d so posit.

Recall posit as described in : Rear View

Instead I am stuck with ranting, which requires swilling white Zinfandel and wildly gesticulating.

OK. So. Back to ranting about Womens’ Restrooms At Airports across the United States…

People are traveling. Traveling involves luggage.

Women use stalls. They want to take their luggage into the stalls.

They want to take their luggage into the stalls without having to step into the toilet. Good luck with that.

Women generally carry a purse or some type of bag. Let’s put a hook in the stall, shall we? And let’s not put that hook on the back wall over the toilet. Ditto for the little fold-down shelf older airports have.

Guess what women are shouting when something falls into the toilet? Let’s just say it’s appropriately scatological.

Let’s discuss the design flaws of Toilet Paper dispensers. I’ll discuss the three I’ve commonly encountered.

Jumbo Roll: Theoretically efficient. This roll is so large that its weight prevents it from unspooling easily. You either have to pull slowly and evenly with both hands to get at most 3 sheets, or you yank with one hand and end up with useless shreds.

Stacking Double Roll: Theoretically well designed. The clip for the top roll is supposed to release upon completion of the bottom roll. This clip inevitably fails, causing the top roll to rest on the bottom roll instead of being suspended above it. The weight of the top roll impedes the smooth rolling action of the roll beneath and you end up with either single sheets or big surprise, useless shreds.

Archaic Single Sheet: Theoretically less wasteful. You only yank out the amount you need. Why this design is still in use is beyond my comprehension. It has 3 flaws, all based on the amount of paper in the dispenser:

- Overstuffed: Again with the useless shreds as you attempt to yank out a sheet.

- Almost empty: There is not enough mass to exert enough pressure to keep the tissues within the dispenser. More sheets than not will end up on the floor. If you’re unlucky, you’ll end up with a single sheet in hand and a small stack on the floor.

- Overstuffed, Part 2: You are forced to poke a finger into the dispenser in order to pry out a wad of sheets, generally more than you need.

Irrespective of design, all airport toilet paper dispensers have a single purpose:

Provide minimal paper with maximum annoyance, ending with humiliation.

Picture this: As you struggle with the toilet paper, you are forced to lean forward. This movement causes the automatic flushing mechanism to engage.

Because your weight is no longer on the seat, the flushing water is able to suck down the paper seat protector. As you mutter your scatological expletives while grasping your useless shreds, the bowl design is such that the water is now splashing up at your exposed and unprotected bottom.

You then:

1. Angrily claw great chunks of toilet paper out of the dispenser to sponge the eeww-inspiring toilet water from your upper thighs and hind parts.
2. Furiously claw more toilet paper off the dispenser to clean up
3. Pull your clothes together
4. Angrily yank your purse off the hook over the toilet with enough force that
5. You watch your cell phone pop out and land in the toilet and as you automatically lean forward to look at it
6. Your movement causes the automatic flush to engage which due to the bowl design
7. Splashes water upward and into your face causing you to
8. Close your eyes and stumble backwards into your luggage. When you finally struggle your way out of the stall
9. Wads of those Useless Shreds of toilet paper are stuck to the bottom of your shoes as you
10. Head towards the sinks. You squirt some soap into your hands, furiously lathering.
11. You wave your hands ineffectively in front of the automatic faucet, give up and move to another faucet
12. Where you wave your hands and water jets out with such force that
13. Water splashes out of the sink and onto the front of your clothes.

It’s enough to make the cost of airline clubs seem worthwhile. Nice bathrooms. Luggage storage. Desks. Snacks.

Bar.

Hmmm.

Speaking of bar, I need to stop swilling this sweet pink stuff and get back to some hints-of-blackberry red stuff.

My rant is done.

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