Feb 14 2007
Don’t Open The Door: Valentine’s Day Is Knocking
Men: Be afraid…be very, very afraid because the ROMANTIC JUGGERNAUT is HERE!
Resistance is futile.
People will wish you Happy Valentine’s Day, your walk around the office will be a landmine of pink and red foil-wrapped Hershey’s Kisses and the high-pitched squeals of female coworkers will slice through the air like a well-honed machete as they receive floral displays of love all to be proudly displayed at their desks.
It doesn’t end there. Oh, no-no-no. The aforementioned floral displays will be admired and squealed over by other members of Club Double-X.
It gets worse. Squeals will segue into What Will Happen Later? Dinner plans? Romance? Lingerie?
If you’re a member of the “X-Y-Me” group, you will feel trapped, skewered, boxed in as you’re variously blackmailed, coerced, intimidated and even shamed into performing acts foreign, improbable and untrue to your nature.
You will express your feelings.
You will be visibly affectionate.
For a few short hours, you will pay attention to what your “True Love” is wearing and why she looks so good in it.
Do you care? Not really. By the end of the day, The Romantic Juggernaut will bring you to your knees and you will cry to the heavens, the lament of your aptly named group, “WHY me?”
You collapse on the couch, head bowed, face in hands, your head pounding from the scent of roses and the thought of how much you paid for them.
You don’t understand.
You put down the toilet set, sold your motorcycle, and given up valuable closet space. Doesn’t that all prove how much you care?
Your girlfriend / wife / Main Squeeze sits next to you and puts her arms around you.
She says, “I love you my sweet precious cutie-pie sugar num-nums oogie-bear.”
You say, “Ditto.”
This morning a co-worker gave me a small bag of those candy hearts — you know, the ones with the words stamped on them. One of them said WISE UP. I chuckled to myself and saved it — I thought it was appropriate on several different levels.
I’ll be playing Willie Nelson’s “Hello Walls” loudly tonight followed by Patsy Cline’s “A Church, A Courtroom and then Goodbye.”
I haven’t eaten one of those candy hearts in ages. The candy themselves are nothing more than slightly sweet chalk. Hmm. Apropo.
I’ve read that the company who produces them updated the messages. “WISE UP” is pretty funny.
Willie does a rendition of “Hello Walls”? Good gracious. I think I have Patsy’s song on CD myself.
Yes, I have my own collection of “My Heart Done Been Broken and I Don’t Have the Strength To Pick Up the Pieces” songs.
I’m not sure what’s worse – listening to songs of heartbreak, songs of love everlasting or songs that put you in the mood when you have no love/lust/just-for-now object.
Oh darn! I missed it!
I was home, sick. Well, I still connected in to work, and was able to contribute somewhat, although I was spacey as all get out from the cold drugs. I got someone else to find a solution to my big buggaboo of a problem that we needed before release. I helped somewhat by narrowing it down, etc., but he did the code changes.
Still, I was able to at least miss the office experience. Or, to mangle a quote from Office Space, I wouldn’t exactly say I missed it.
You want some fun? Listen to country music backwards. Your dog comes back to you. Your stolen truck mysteriously shows back up. And your girl comes back to you.
Hmmmm. MsQ, of the three types of songs you list there, I’d have to say the ones that put you in the mood would be the most frustrating. Being all wound up with no outlet is horrible. A close second would be the love everlasting type. that just reminds me of how much fun my life has been. (biting sarcasm back there, btw)
the songs of heartbreak – i just identify too much with that, so, maybe it would send me into a depressive spiral, but i don’t know. sometimes i pop out of that with a vengenance after tying one on.
Hi, Ack – sorry you were sick! I was out in Omaha and yee-gods, the hacking, the sniffling, the viral stew. I just hope I’m not incubating anything.
I was on site and while I didn’t floral displays or hear squealing, most of the women were wearing red shirts or sweaters. Lotsa baked goods – pink and red iced cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies (plain, no references to VD) .
It was cold in Omaha. The car thermometer read 4 F then a block away 0. That be zero. I be cold. I also experienced driving and sliding on ice. Nail-in-the-eye fun. Rental cars, gotta love ‘em.
Funny about playing a country song backwards!
When it comes to which type of song is worse – depends.
Ah, the ole biting sarcasm. I know it well. Mine lost quite a bit of of its bite (!!) when I got happier. I can still access it but it has lost most of its dark flavor.