QMusings

Sometimes it’s information and sometimes it’s advice.

I’m currently acting as a router for 2 very close friends. This has been nail-in-the-eye fun.

I’ll call the friends Felix and Oscar. Oscar isn’t speaking to Felix. Oscar is all burnt out and wants a break.

Felix is calling me because Oscar isn’t responding to any of Felix’s calls or emails.

Felix wants me to route messages to Oscar. I am not so into this. Why?

• It puts me in an uncomfortable position.
• Something will be lost in the translation.
• It changes my relationship between each of them.

Unfortunately, since Felix can’t speak with Oscar, I’m the one that gets called. I’ve become a proxy of sorts as Felix tries to argue his case to me. It’s difficult to remain neutral. I’m not the person Felix needs to speak to.

For his part, Oscar is sorry that I’m the one to have to deal with Felix’s calls.

I’m not liking the situation. I could totally disengage from it but it is providing me is the opportunity to understand and improve my relationship with both Felix and Oscar.

Felix calls me. He launches into Oscar’s lack of response and how Oscar “just isn’t listening.”

I admit, I start to feel tired and my energy level begins to plummet. I really don’t want to hear a litany of complaints about Oscar. I also have my own issues with Felix, which makes me want to shut down.

I have to catch myself from reacting in this way, as it’s not an attitude of love and acceptance. I shift my focus to the present. I let go of all the history we share and just listen to what he has to say.

When I became fully present to what Felix is saying, I hear what he is not saying. He may be complaining, but what he was really saying was, “I am hurt. I feel rejected.”

I then shifted to a feeling of compassion and understanding.

When I shifted, all my responses shifted with me. I was responding with compassion and understanding.

Felix is telling me how he’s always trying to help out Oscar but Oscar doesn’t listen or refuses to read the “helpful material.” Felix feels hurt and doesn’t understand.

I’ve been on the receiving end of Felix’s help and it’s a bit intense. Oscar gets even more “help.”

Felix truly believes that he is being helpful. He emails links to websites, saves newspaper articles, and mentions books to read. He also expects you to read it all and tell him how helpful you found them.

I let Felix know that I understand that he wants to be helpful, that he is motivated by love.

I then ask, “How would you feel if someone were sending you all this stuff? How would you feel if someone were always trying to be helpful?”

Felix doesn’t answer my questions. He reacts as if I were Oscar and has to convince me (as Oscar-by-proxy) of his motivation.

He replies, “It’s just information.”

I reply, “Yes…but it could also be seen as advice.”

Felix is unconvinced. He repeats that he is “just sending information.”

I then say, “Ok. I can see that. But what if I was to send you information and you weren’t interested in it? What then?”

Since I have not rejected Felix’s view, he is more receptive to what I have to say.

I continue with, “Let’s say I kept sending you information on minivans. Minivans-minivans-minivans. You finally tell me you’re not interested in minivans but I keep sending you the information anyway. You ask me to stop. I tell you it’s ‘only information.’”

I chose minivans because none of us have any emotional attachments to them. It was also all I could think of at the time.

I have Felix’s attention.

I try to inject some humor into it, “So here I am, giving you minivan information all the time. Wouldn’t you feel that I had an agenda? Wouldn’t you feel that it wasn’t ‘just information’ and perhaps…I wanted you to buy a minivan?”

Felix agrees that he might think that.

I say, “So the information is no longer ‘information’… it is advice.”

I can’t see the light bulb go off since we’re on the phone, but I can hear it. Felix is listening closely and more receptively.

I continue, “If someone is giving you advice that you neither asked for nor wanted, how would you feel? “

The conversation continued in this manner for a while longer but what was important was that Felix felt heard. Being heard is different than just listening – it is listening with acceptance. Listening with acceptance creates an environment of trust. You don’t have to defend yourself against trust and acceptance. Felix became more receptive because he didn’t have to justify or defend himself.

I’m not sure how it will all turn out between Felix and Oscar. All I can do is be a friend, listen, and hope they will someday listen to each other and be heard.

In the meantime, I will continue to try to become a better listener by: Letting Go, Shifting, Opening, Allowing and Accepting.

Let go of the past.
Shift your focus to the present.
Open your heart.
Allow the other person to speak.
Accept what they have to say.

If you enjoyed reading this post, I recommend reading Being Effective With People: Part 1 (Listening) by Erek Ostrowski.

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