Feb 24 2007
Is This the Thanks I Get?
Ms. Q is dumbfounded.
Her story about not receiving any thanks after returning a lost wallet seems to have touched something in a lot of people.
Many people felt angry – they felt that I was owed at least a thank you. Some thought I should have expressed my anger towards the woman in some way.
At the time, I wasn’t so much angry as aghast. I wondered, what the heck kinda upbringing created such a self-involved response?
I think that people’s angry response has a good side and a bad side.
The Good: People realize that if they had lost something and a stranger went out of their way to return it, they’d be grateful. It’s great to know that there are many good people out there.
The Bad: Feeling angry and judgmental when no thanks is given.
Sure I’d have liked a big thank you. Even a little one. I was even prepared to say no if the woman had offered me any money. Some sign of appreciation would have been appreciated.
In a sense, my returning the wallet had its own selfish component: I expected payment of some kind. In my case, I wanted to feel good about myself by having her thank me and tell me what a nice person I was.
At its core, I don’t think this is the best motivation for being nice to people. My belief is that if you have a general love and acceptance of people, if you’re feeling love towards their spirit, then you will naturally treat them with respect and consideration. You may not like them or even agree with them, but you respect and love them as a kindred spirit.
I may talk it but I do have problems with walking it! But I keep working on having a loving and allowing spirit towards others.
My ego wanted a thank you from the woman. But what if I let go of ego?
I know I did something good for the woman. I can feel good about myself without her saying thanks.
I can look at it another way: my returning her wallet was in the spirit of a gift. Gifts are freely given, there should be no strings attached.
Gift: something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation
No one forced me to go out of my way to help a stranger. I may not have received a thank you but I am still glad I chose the path I did.
I see your point that we should treat others with respect and consideration for the sole purpose of the larger good, and not necessarily because we are expecting anything in return (should it be called “Zen and the art of returning lost wallets?”)
But in the case of you returning a woman’s wallet without getting even a “thank you” in return, we, the readers of Ms. Q, feel a sense of injustice with the world. A wrong has occurred on our watch.
A wallet contains very personal items. A lost wallet is like having a portion of our home exposed to the world. Inside a wallet are keys to our finances (credit and ATM cards), pictures of our loved ones (our pets, too), our names, addresses and permissions to drive and be mobile (drivers licenses) and myriad of other personal items. A wallet is an intimate reflection of its owner. You showed respect to the owner by returning her wallet. We can’t even BELIEVE that she wouldn’t even say THANK YOU.
We feel the sting of injustice. And it hurts so good!
Hi, Jake – You bring up very valid points about how important a wallet can be. Most of us realize that fact which is why many people were upset about the woman’s lack of gratitude.
This happened several years ago and who knows what was going on in the young woman’s life.