Mar 20 2007

5 Easy Steps To Americanize Any Foreign Dish

Published by MsQ at 7:00 am under QMusements, Social Commentary

Take foreign dish:

  1. If it doesn’t include a sauce, add one.
  2. If it includes a sauce, make more of it and make it thicker.
  3. Simplify the flavor by adding more salt or sugar.
  4. Increase fat content (add more cheese, butter, oil)
  5. If all else fails, deep fry.

Simplicity itself.

Not convinced?

I went to Italy several years ago. I love Italian food and the pizza in Italy is very different than in the United States. The pizza in Florence had a thin crust, a tangy smear of tomato sauce and a thin layer of cheese. There is little chance of getting burned by cheese lava.

Or how about this: Chinese food. I may not have dined in my so-called “homeland” but I’ve had Chinese food all around my real homeland and it’s nothing like the places some of my relatives eat at.

Granted some of my relatives eat Real Authentic Chinese food. This means Freaky Shit. Like feet. I don’t eat feet. I don’t care which cuisine, I don’t eat feet. No pig, no duck, no chicken.

No freakin’ feet.

I’m gonna stay on this tangent for a short while here but don’t worry, I’ll reel myself back in.

I’m American. I only look Chinese. Or Korean. Or Japanese. Sometimes Filipina. Don’t get the Filipina but whatever. Never get Vietnamese.

Ms. Q loves being asked what she is. It’s nail-in-the-eye fun.

Anyway, I don’t have an accent or rather; I don’t have a Chinese accent. Every so often I am asked, “Don’t you want to visit your homeland?”

Ms. Q: Oh, you mean America?

Well-meaning person: Hahaha! You know – don’t you want to visit China?

Ms. Q: Not particularly. It’s bad enough people will start speaking Chinese to me in the States – I don’t need to have it happen to me in China.

Please don’t speak to me in Chinese. This means no Cantonese, no Mandarin. As one Korean guy told me, I am a banana.

I’ll let you ponder that for a moment or six.

But back to topic: Americanizing Chinese food.

The Chinese restaurant chain, P.F. Chang’s, is Totally Americanized Chinese Food. If you compare any of its dishes to the authentic one, I can guarantee it will have used on of my 5 easy steps. Its favorite 2 steps are adding more sugar and more sauce.

Mexican food: I’ve eaten at a few family-owned restaurants and a burrito there is nothing like what’s served at Chevy’s or Taco Bell.

Still not sure what to do?

If it’s a salty dish: add ketchup.

If it’s a dessert: add butter.

If it’s sweet: add more fat. If unsure which type of fat, add cheese.

8 responses so far

8 Responses to “5 Easy Steps To Americanize Any Foreign Dish”

  1. # dietrologiaon 20 Mar 2007 at 2:42 pm

    Bravo! This may be my favorite post of yours so far. I’m still pondering the “I am a banana” line. I think I’m close to a revelation though.

  2. # MsQon 20 Mar 2007 at 3:00 pm

    Hi, dietrologia – Glad you enjoyed this one so much. I hope “all will become clear” in the near future.

  3. # dietrologiaon 20 Mar 2007 at 5:38 pm

    Okay, I admitted defeat and had a co-worker explain the “banana” reference to me. Never heard the term (in this context) before.

  4. # MsQon 20 Mar 2007 at 7:36 pm

    dietrologia: It took me a few beats to figure it out what my being a banana meant. I managed to figure it out because Oreos came to mind. The things people come up with, huh?

  5. # Sewellon 20 Mar 2007 at 7:58 pm

    I like the term “Twinkie” better than banana.

    You shouldn’t knock the chicken feet until you try it. It isn’t too bad. I like it more for the texture as there isn’t much meat on the feet. Last time I was in China, I sampled a variety of exotic food including dog, mountain goat, horse, drunken live shrimp and scorpions. In some cases, the way the meat is cooked, you would have thought you were eating beef. There is a stigma of consuming certain foods…

    And since I’m in NY right now, I think I’m going to have a nice slice of NY pizza now.. Yummm…

  6. # MsQon 20 Mar 2007 at 8:16 pm

    Sewell: I’d rather be a banana than a Twinkie. Ms. Q is loath to be though of as having a cream filling. Eeeeww.

    Plus, according to the UrbanDictionary, the term is a bit derogatory:

    “Man, that Asian is supposed to be smart,what a twinkie.”

    Granted the same can be said for a banana but at least it’s not an empty calorie.

    I have eaten a chicken foot. Or maybe it was a duck foot. It may not be bad but WHY BOTHER? Plus, it’s A FOOT! With a TOENAIL!

  7. # Irision 19 Jul 2007 at 7:06 pm

    I feel your pain with americanized greek food.

    A peice of me dies inside everytime a waitress offers me a “guy-row with yogurt dressing.”

  8. # MsQon 20 Jul 2007 at 3:03 pm

    Irisi: OUCH! But whuddya gonna do, huh? I guess be happy that you can even order a guy-row!

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