Apr 20 2007
A Friend In Need Needs You To Call
I’d like to pass on a bit of wisdom given to me by one of my closest friends:
When someone is in emotional pain, don’t wait for him to call you. You call him.
We’ve all offered to be there for someone.
We tell them to “call if you need me” and “call if you just want to talk.”
They may call you. But probably not. They should call but they can’t.
When people are in pain, they are alone. They feel isolated by their pain, disconnected from everyone else.
Sometimes they are trapped by their pain and can’t see a way out.
“Call if you need me.” we tell them. We don’t want to intrude.
Pain can overwhelm.
Sooner or later we will all experience an emotional wound that feels like it will never end.
We will grieve for the death of someone we love.
We will grieve over the end of a relationship.
We will grieve.
Pain isolates.
While we grieve we feel alone, disconnected, and sometimes, unworthy.
We no longer feel like everyone else. We don’t even feel like ourselves.
We have become this new person, this other, this person we wish we could escape from.
If we want to escape from ourselves, why would we want to call anyone? Why would we believe that anyone would want to speak with us?
We can’t call you because we know you won’t be able to bear a pain we can barely endure ourselves.
Pain weakens.
When we’re suffering we don’t have the strength to call anyone. We’re feeling too vulnerable, too wounded, too raw. We hurt.
We are broken.
We’ll call when we feel…a little bit better.
We won’t call until we have enough strength to call.
Don’t Wait.
I may have used, “We” but I could have used, “I”
I’ve been there. I’ve been in pain. It felt good when people called me, when people reached out to me.
Is someone you care about in pain? Don’t wait for them to call.
Pick up the phone. Call them.
Interesting post. I was just thinking about a friend who has not called me for a few weeks now. He is going through so much during the last few years. I tried text messaging a few times to see how things are going, but I never heard back, thinking that they just wanted to be alone. Maybe I should pick up the phone and call.
What you say is so true! I had a friend who called me for advice. She had a friend who just lost her 9 year old daughter to cancer. My friend asked me what she should do. I offered the same advice you offer here. I mentioned to just say, “If you need something, call me.” I advised her to help her friend in immediate ways, and without waiting to be asked.
I advised my friend to mow her friend’s lawn, to buy groceries, to clean her kitchen, to vacuum the floor. Like you say, people are sometimes too devastated to be able to ask for help. And let’s face it, when we say, “Call me if you need anything,†we are often saying it more to make ourselves feel better than to truly offer assistance.
Christian: When in doubt, call!
If anything, your friend will know you care. Sometimes people do want to be alone but perhaps it’s because so many times they feel as if they have to “put on a happy face.” There’s something about having someone take the time to call, to their reaching out to you that can makes a difference.
Even if you can’t be there in person, you can be there. I once went through a very difficult breakup and I recall just having a friend listen on the phone – not saying a word as all I could do was weep.
Jake: You are so right! We often make a very passive offer to help which is no real help at all.
Great post. A fraternity brother of mine; his older brother just passed away last week. I’ve been training with him for fight night and I didn’t know what to do.
I was talking to some friends and brothers and we all didn’t really know what to do. I think it’s true that people should just take the initiative to call themselves and help comfort the person. It seems like you’re intruding but you’re really helping out a lot.
Great Advice . . I remember when I was really down and I just needed to know someone cared . . .those phone calls are still etched in my memories!
Gregg: Your fraternity brother probably has no idea that all of you are thinking about him with such care. He may be training but he’s probably trying to distract himself. I think he’d really appreciate knowing that all of you care for him.
Some people may not feel comfortable sharing their pain but having friends gather around, stopping by, just spending time with them, that says a lot without saying a word.
Gary Lee: Yes! When we remember how we felt when someone called us when we needed them, it should make us realize that we should do the same for others.