May 20 2007
A Pause For Reflection
I’ve been sad and contemplative since my return overseas.
At first I thought it was just jet lag and post-vacation letdown but as the days have passed I realize that it is more than that.
I started this blog in September 2006 and have been riding a bit of a high, as life seemed to come together for me. Intention, Attraction, and Manifesting – life was inspiring and positive and I felt inspired and positive.
My return trip to South Africa was a giant pause button: My “real” life was on hold. I thought I would return with greater enthusiasm, refreshed and ready to continue on my path of positivity and inspiration.
Instead I found I had little desire to write, had doubts on many levels and overall, felt lost.
I wondered whether I would even share this all with you.
Then I thought that you might find what I’m going through helpful and allow you to see that as much as I strive to be positive and accepting and focused, I have bad times.
I like to figure things out and have been working on what Intentions I have been sending out, what thoughts have I been having that have made this sad time my reality?
I have been meditating (or trying to) to regain my center.
What I have been constantly reminding myself this entire time is that NO MATTER WHAT, I AM A WRITER. I may not feel like a writer right now but it took me a long time to discover and acknowledge my purpose and I can’t forget it.
I am starting to believe that for whatever reason, I need to go through this time of sadness and re-evaluation. My time overseas was a real vacation – I let go of all my concerns and was very much in the present moment. I put the worries aside and let them go. I also did a lot of listening. I listened to the fears and worries and doubts of my friends. I’ve heard others’ stories of hardship, rejection and prejudice. I’ve seen profound emotional pain.
Now I am back home and all my worries and concerns are my own. There is no running away or putting things aside. I feel that I am going through this difficult time because some unresolved issue needs to be worked through. I know I have them, they are forever lurking, and I just never know when they are going to finally come out of hiding.
I call resolving an issue a “Growth Spurt” and they are nail-in-the-eye fun. I may be four-foot-ten-and-three-quarter inches short but I’ve gone through many painful growth spurts in my life.
I went through some difficult times in order to get me to the place where I acknowledged that I am a writer. That is why I am not letting myself forget it, no matter how uninspired I currently feel.
I know that I will be stronger and more focused once I figure out why I am so sad. As I’ve said, I’ve gone through these growth spurts before and while they are not fun, I know that I will find myself in a better place.
I use “sad” instead of “depressed” because the ache I feel feels like sorrow. I have to discover what is crying inside me.
I know that I am feeling better because I am writing this. I think more clearly when I write and it helps me to work through the muddle of emotions when I try to explain what I am going through to someone else.
In the meantime, I will continue to write because that is who I am.
I once wrote about staying motivated. I may not feel inspired and motivated right now but I recall how much joy writing gives me and I hold that truth. I may not write as frequently because I don’t want to just “go through the motions” when it comes to my writing.
I want to write from my heart.
You can’t give up now, there are still toilets out there that you have not shared with us!
HMTKSteve: hahahaha! I knew I could depend on you!
Yes, I do have quite a few photos of toilets which shows the devotion I have for my readers who need their toilet fix.
But seriously, I know I can’t give up on writing. I have been shifting my thoughts to what I have in order to bring the power of intention and law of attraction my way and have already seen some guideposts of the path I need to take.
I’ve gone through times like this before and in many ways I’m lucky to have this internal barometer that forces me to work on myself. It doesn’t let me ignore my problems, that is for sure.
It’s great that you can express yourself like this! I’ve learned that it helps with the emotions when I write about things that bother me.
You can’t forget that there are many people, millions of people, who feel exactly as you do. It’s natural to feel uninspired, but you can’t let yourself get down. You’ve got to fight the pain and keep trucking along. Eventually you’ll figure out what’s bothering you and be able to look back onto it in the future and laugh it off…
Keep writing with your heart..let your true emotions flow
-Gregg
Hi, Gregg: thanks for the encouragement! I realize that many people feel uninspired and worse. I know that I have within me the power to change and regain my inspiration and I’m grateful for the support I’ve received from friends, family and fellow bloggers.
Whatever is bother me is Serious as I actually have no desire to drink! I usually like a glass of red wine with dinner and tonight it held no appeal. Weird. I’m obviously not going to drown my sorrows in alcohol!
Maybe you just need a good “booty call”?
I know it always works for my wife and I.
HMTKSteve: You are definitely an example of that statistic that men think about sex a whole heck of a lot:
http://kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html
“54% of men think about sex everyday or several times a day, 43% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 4% less than once a month”
On a serious note, no, a booty call is not gonna resolve what is going on with me. I have spent the weekend really thinking through things and meditating and I am gaining some understanding of what is going on with me and what I need to do.
Thanks for the chuckle, though and you’re lucky to have a booty to call!
Just because a lot of men think that way does not mean it is untrue.
Speaking of Booty Calls… Did you see that one of the networks is putting out a TV show next season about a bachelor who has to pick between two groups of woman.
Group A is 20-somethings and group B is 40+. I know which group I would go for.
HMTKSteve: I haven’t watched TV or even seen the online entertainment stuff in months. I think I’ve mentioned that I don’t have a TV somewhere in here.
What group you would go for? Tthe 40+ group? I believe you said your wife is older than you so I am assuming you like older women?
These comments are getting way off the topic of my post, that is for sure!
Keep your chin up Q . . . i’ve gone through a similar lack in motivation lately, but know in my heart that it’ll be over sooner than later . . . all you have to do is have faith and you’ll be good to go . . .
Gary: Thanks for the support. I’m very grateful for the well wishes from my readers and have been feeling the love. You have been going through a similar lack of motivation? I feel for you, too.
I know that it’ll be over. It may take time but I have worked through worse and each time I have become more fearless and I believe, a better person.
I know you will come out of this funk stronger than ever. It’s just cyclic and it will pass. You will have a better definition of the writer that embodies the four-foot-ten-and-three-quarter inches.
esofthub: Thanks for the belief in me and the laugh! I believe that I will come out stronger than ever as well.
I am defining stronger as more focused with a greater belief in myself and my purpose. I am defining stronger as becoming a more accepting, generous, loving, compassionate and kind person – not just to others but to myself!
I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the kind words and support I have been receiving here.
Yes, Growth spurts are “nail in the eye” kind of fun! I love the way you put that!
But you are firm in your conviction that “you are a writer”.
As I read your blog I see that you are a wonderful writer, very eloquent, you communicate exceptionally well! You are a writer.
Peace and Light are always there for you; you just need to allow it in and let it happen. I know, my own life has told me that sometimes (let me rephrase that-oftentimes) that is easier said than done. But it is true that the stuff that is beating us up in the stream of life (the “Flow” if you will) is our own resistance, from our own thoughts and our own minds.
The flow of life is doing what we love and trusting that everything will work out. I’m working on that trust now myself.
It looks as if you live in an exquisitely beautiful place. That is something to be grateful for. Remember Gratitude.
Karen: your comment has come exactly when I needed it! Thank you so much! I have begun to feel some doubt about my writing – not so much about the fact that I am a writer but whether I am a good one!
We were “sisters in tears” on Tuesday – it was a bad day for me as well. I am glad that you have regained your inspiration – it gives me inspiration. I have reread your post a few times to motivate me that yes, others have doubts but we do get through and past them.
I have working on discovering what is making me resistant as well as letting go and trusting Intention. Thank you for the reminder that Peace and Light are always there for me.
As a side note, the photo included in this post was taken in Melkbosstrand, South Africa almost 3 weeks ago. I was visiting friends and walked along that path most mornings. I am back home and yes, it is also a beautiful place. I am even luckier in that I have a spiritual home with my friends in South Africa.
Hi Ms. Q,
I’ve been wanting to comment on this post for awhile, but haven’t had the time-I’ve just moved to Japan (as you know) and as things haven’t really gone to plan, I’ve been going through a fair amount of extra suffering too. I’m not new to suffering, there has been a history of depression in my family-and it has rarely not touched each of us. It’s interesting how you look at your sadness as a form of growth; I’m sure you’re right, but when you’re in the middle of it, this knowledge only helps a little bit.
I hope you’re feel better now (I haven’t read your latest posts, but as you’ve been writing at all I assume you’re feeling better. I hope I feel better too…I’m lonely, my new job isn’t what I was anticipating, and Japan is sooo incredibly different to my usual familiar surrounds. I knew some things would be tough-but not this tough.
Jesse: I’m sorry that your move to Japan has been so challenging for you and that you’re suffering. Depression runs in my family as well and I know many people who have gone through it. I have been depressed myself but luckily wasn’t debilitated by it. I have had had to deal with suicide attempts and threats of suicide. Depression is insidious, isolating and it physically hurts. I’m amazed that you have the emotional energy to think of my pain while enduring yours. Thank you for your well wishes.
I have been feeling better and the fact that I am writing is a sign of it. I knew things were bad when I had no desire to write – and writing is my passion!
I viewed my sadness as growth because I didn’t have anything to be particularly sad about – that is, I wasn’t grieving for a person or relationship, I was sad for myself over something as yet unknown. As the unknown becomes known, so I grow. I am less sad now because I have figured out why I felt sad.
I have had friends tell me of how isolated and weird they felt when they had to spend just several weeks (not a year!) in Asia and they had no knowledge of the language and were going alone. They had been excited about going overseas and then wham! they could not connect…to anything. They couldn’t read the signs, they had nothing familiar around them, they were surprised at how lonely they felt. If they felt that way after only a short stay, I can’t even guess at your feelings and can only send you kind thoughts. You may want to seek counseling to help you adjust or find others who have experienced what you are going through so you know that you’re not alone in your experience.