Jul 01 2007
All the Lonely People
All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?
-”Eleanor Rigby” by the Beatles
I’ve been thinking a lot about loneliness and being alone.
Between my own life, my talks with friends, and exchanges with fellow bloggers, I know that there are many lonely people out there.
One friend of mine was telling me about a conversation he was having with a single woman about my age.
She was telling him about how she’d like to be dating someone but it’s just so difficult. It’s so difficult that really, it was much easier to forget about dating or finding a companion. She decided that it was much easier to stay at home reading, working in her garden and hanging out with her friends every so often.
He said that she was a very nice woman. He said that her words made him wonder at how many other women were out there who had just said, “Forget it” to dating.
It’s not just the women who have given up. I know a few men, really nice men, who have tossed in the towel when it comes to dating.
So many people who’ve given up.
Are all these people who have given up on the idea of ever meeting a life mate lonely?
Some are and some aren’t.
I realize that being alone doesn’t mean you feel lonely. Not everyone desires company.
Except for work, I am generally alone. I tend to like solo activities: reading, running, and writing.
I am comfortable with solitude. At times I crave it.
Sometimes I feel lonely.
Sometimes the thought of never holding hands, never waking up next to someone, never caring for someone and being cared for makes me want to cry.
Sometimes I do cry.
I used to associate loneliness with neediness. Let’s just say that I think I’ve gone overboard in proving to myself that I am not needy.
I’m human. With a very human need for closeness.
I think about my single friends who would really like to be with someone. These are terrific people, nice people, good people.
Unfortunately, they don’t have the energy to socialize with dating in mind. I certainly don’t want to join some group or find some hobby just to meet men. The idea of “creating dating opportunities” is tiring.
So we’re home. Alone.
I have an online dating profile. Sometimes I’m a subscriber but usually I am not. As I look through all the profiles I think about how many of them seem like very nice people who just want to be with someone.
We have found so many new ways to interact with people, from blogs to emails to instant and text messaging to MySpace.
We have even expanded or been more open about the types of relationships we can form from monogamy to polyamory to open to friends-with-benefits.
We have so many more relationship options.
Yet I get the sense that there are a lot of lonely people out there.
There certainly are in my little corner of the world.
Where are all the lonely people?
All around us.
Across the street. On the bus. Next door.
There are so many people who long to love someone and be loved in return.
I’m one of them.
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You must have been in the car with me and my friends yesterday. We had a conversation about being single in NYC. It is crazy knowing that all these single people are out there searching and seeking companionship but cannot find anyone.
Single doesn’t equal lonely. I’ve been in a relationship, once, and felt lonely in it. I had to let that situation go. I’m better off single. However, I would appreciate being with someone. But I won’t settle.
Dating is fun but being single is an adventure.
UT: I began thinking about loneliness after re-reading Orange Phoenix’s post on your blog about finding love in the big city. I also thought about how Jill (we’ve exchanged several comments here!) created a personal ad.
I realize that single doesn’t mean you’re lonely. I’ve had several long term relationships (2+ years) as well as gone years without a relationship.
I’ve done my share of dating and know enough not to settle. I don’t think “settling” is fair to anyone. You’re reminding me of yet another early post about relationships and settling!
I’ve been going through a lot of changes this year and I realized that I have gotten so good at taking care of myself that I don’t ask for help nor do I really allow people to help. Then I began to feel that gee, it’d sure would be nice to have someone to lean on occasionally – it sure would be nice to be there for someone else.
I just get lonely sometimes.
I know where you are coming from. I haven’t been in a relationship in over six years. At times I’d like to share my time with someone but it isn’t easy finding someone you’ll actually enjoy spending your time with. Friends are great but the romance is not there.
Only time will tell how it all works out in the long run. I have moments of loneliness. But then it passes like gas.
I was married for TWELVE years and I can honestly, honestly say that I was ****way**** more lonely when I was married than I have EVER been single. I did not initiate the divorce, would have stayed married until the day I died just out of a misplaced sense of obligation or whatever. But I am SOOOOOO much less lonely now, I guess because when I *do* get lonely now, I call a girlfriend and go do something instead of puttering around ever the good housewife. I *do* like alone time too – if I’m really working on something art/craft-wise I can’t even be bothered to eat, much less take a phone call. But it’s WAY better to have friends.
I’m sooooooooooo tired from staying out until last call & then staying up another couple hours once I got home and then waking up before 8:00 am two nights in a row that I totally forget where I’m going with this…just…what? I try & force myself out of the house even if I don’t feel like it. That helps. And…the dating thing…I dunno. I’ll have to think about that when I’ve had more than 8 hours sleep over the past two nights put together…Sorry – making no sense here ’cause I can barely keep my eyes open but more later when I can think.
Incidentally, on the “low key” dating thing – it’s so low key that 99 percent of the guys that have sent me messages are all from TURKEY! That would be the COUNTRY, not the bird. What on Earth kind of good is that? I mean, it’s GREAT if I didn’t actually want to go on a date…which I sort of maybe don’t…
UT: “passes like gas” hahahah! Six years, huh? I’m heading towards year six on my latest “dry run” and I know people who have been out of a relationship for even longer.
Life sure would be easier if there were some mutual attraction with one of my single male friends. I know some great guys. I have one friend and we get along so well. Unfortunately, like brother and sister!
I wasn’t so sure I really wanted to be in a relationship until recently. Now I believe that I will not only more fully experience life if I’m in a loving relationship, I believe that I will grow as a person. I’ve been in committed relationships in the past but I’ve never lived with any of them nor have I been married. I think there is a lot to be gained in dealing with the give and take of marriage and the intimacy of day to day living.
Jill! It sounds like you made some great friends! Friends allow you to be who you are as well as safely encourage you to grow. It’s great you are learning to ask for help and knowing that it gives an opportunity for a friend to be a friend. Showing vulnerability can also strengthen a friendship. With regard to how appearing needing to a friend being a price to pay – time to drop-kick the ole ego and step forward into the hug.
I was sorry to read that you were lonelier being married than single. That must have been rough. I hear too many stories about people who say, “He/She just didn’t get me.”
That’s what I think intimacy is – you both “get” each other.
I can’t believe you’re commenting here after so little sleep! However, I do know what is is like to have been up all night (and into the next day) and needing some time to unwind.
Do you really need to force yourself out of the house if you don’t feel up for it? In some cases I can see it being healthy but is this the case with you? I dunno. I admit to being on the alert for all signs of depression – I know too many people who suffer or have suffered from it!
I try to get out of my home, too. In my case I go for runs and try to get together with a friend.
Your description of the low key dating site is funny. You gotta write about it. I mean – men from Turkey?
This is leaving several humorous openings none of which I will take. I will leave it up to you on your blog!
ACK! ACK!!! ACK!!!! One (& only one!) of the guys from the 99% Turkish dating service is actually from near here & suggested meeting. He’d only emailed once & I emailed back & it turned out that he came into town YESTERDAY!!!! Lucky for me because I never logged back into the service until JUST NOW. ACK! Anyway, off to email some apologies for not replying in a timely manner & explain that I didn’t actually WANT dates when I signed up for the dating service… ACK! :-0 :-0 :-0
Ok, here’s something a little strange – I was actually AT the location where he said he was going to be at the time when his email said he’d be there (for work)!!!! That’s kind of weird, a little. I wonder if I saw him or he saw me?
Jill: Well, when it comes to online dating, if someone expects you to:
1) be online ready to respond then they don’t have a realistic expectation OR you really have no life.
2) be available for some last minute date and isn’t asking nicely then again with the unrealistic expectations
In general, when it comes to online dating, all bets seem to be off with respect to being polite. Really, the idea is that you don’t owe anyone anything so if someone emails you, you can either be polite and respond yea or nay or do nothing. At least that has been my experience.
What I do try to do is email something if the guy took the time to write and his writing showed that he actually read my profile. If he used some ‘you look cute!’ basic thing, uh, I have to admit, I would prefer a little more thought put into the writing.
I have sent out a few emails and very few men respond at all. Not even the built-in “sorry charlie” type response.
What does get me is having 2 dates that go really well and without any prodding on my part, the man says, “Wow. I really would like to see you again.” and…nothing. Falls off the face of the earth.
So, don’t be surprised. Not to discourage you or anything!
Overall, if someone contacts you and you “aren’t that into him.” right off the get-go, I don’t think you have to go into the big song and dance about you not really wanting to go out on any real dates – he probably isn’t interested in all that, all he hears is “no.”
So tell him something along the lines of you don’t think you’re all that compatible and you hope he finds someone.
Regarding your “part 2″ – that IS weird that you were at the location around the time he said he’d be at that location.
Guess it wasn’t meant to be since you didn’t meet.
Oops well…I did everything backwards. Read his messages backwards too bec. I’m not that familiar with the site. I would have been more interested if I had read the first message first, but it wouldn’t have mattered because I saw it too late anyway!
If he HAD seen me up front yesterday (I wouldn’t been looking for him not having read his message & assuming *all* the men were Turks! :-0 ) he would have seen me talking to a man for the entire time anyway. I had met a friend there to exchange kids – his daughter had spent the night at our house. So maybe he *did* see me but didn’t interrupt. I wonder.
Jill: hmmm…so how many beers had you had prior to reading his message?
OK, or how many hours since you’d last slept?
When it comes to online dating, you do have to have a bit of an “oh, well” attitude. You also can’t think/overthink it. I tend to overthink myself and have to rein in my runaway thoughts telling myself, “fuhgettaboutit!”
i miss the days of arranged marriages . . . . . . oh wait . . i never went through those days . . but damn, those days sounded so stress free!
Gary: I would think that arranged marriages would have their own kind of stress – all the background checking, the matchmaking rules the families eyeballing you.
I heard that they do end up working and that couples can fall in love over time. I’ve always thought that if I were married to someone I barely knew and he was a decent enough guy, it’d be in our own best interest to look for all the good in each other and fall in love. We’d both be happier, that’s for sure.