Jul 12 2007
12 Ways To Look Older and Feel Like Cr*p
Not everyone wants to look young.
Are you one of them?
Perhaps you want to look older so people will take you more seriously.
Maybe you’re tired of getting carded.
Perhaps you’re fed up with all this focus on youth and beauty and looking older is your way to protest the profit-driven, diet-and-cosmetic industry’s marketing machine?
Well, here are a dozen ways to accelerate the aging process with the added benefit of making you feel like crap!
- Don’t exercise. Conserve your energy. Move as little as possible.
- Start smoking. If you already smoke, increase your number of daily cigarettes. A pack a day should be your target minimum.
- Do not eat fresh fruit or vegetables.
- Do not eat whole grains.
- Eat simple carbohydrates with little nutritional value like candy bars, donuts, and potato chips.
- Increase fat intake. Concentrate on saturated fats. Deep fried foods are a good way to get both your simple carbohydrates and your fats.
- Start drinking alcoholic beverages. The higher the alcohol content, the better. If you’re not a drinker, begin with beer or wine or fruity beginner drinks like a pina colada. One benefit to the sweet tropical drinks like a strawberry daiquiri is they are high in sugar (more simple carbohydrates!) and calories.
- Increase cholesterol intake. Eat more beef, shrimp, eggs, and bacon.
- Increase salt intake.
- Tan often. Don’t use sunscreen.
- Gain excess weight. This shouldn’t be hard to if you follow the dietary recommendations. Excess weight adds stress to the major organs, increasing fatigue and overall feeling of crapitude.
- Have a high-stress job that you hate.
Note: You can easily manage the dietary steps 3-9 by eating primarily at fast food restaurants.
Hot tip: Start hanging out at bars. Bars are not only a great way to gain drinking experience but many drinkers are smokers.
Be responsible: Don’t drink and drive! The idea is to accelerate your aging process, not get into a car accident possibly hurting others and leaving behind your youthful looking corpse.
Disclaimer: Individual results may vary
If you’d like to get an idea of how the aging program might work, take a look at this video:
Thanks to David Taylor’s post in Where’s the Sausage? which linked me to the 2 videos you have seen here recently.
If you’re interested in branding, check out his blog.
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Sounds like this is the wrong way to go, indeed!
I think I’ve seen that on tv before! I think I like looking young
When I turn 21, I’m guessing I’ll be carded A LOT.
-Gregg
I think this is the diet my old supervisor was on. He would smoke two and a half packs a day, no lie. We weren’t allowed to smoke in the office but he found a way to get around it. He had an office with a Terrace so as long as the door to the terrace was open he did his thing. Yeah, he looks mighty old.
I’m going to stick to my excercise and no cig diet. I’d love to eat what I want but I can continue to do that as long as I keep it moving. Here is to getting carded.
Derek: Yep, I took my own advice
Gregg: Since you’re Asian you’ll probably get carded into your 30s. Unless you never drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or enter places like bars and strip clubs.
UT: 2.5 packs of smokes a day? Yow. My granny smoked until almost the end. She died at 92. The walls of her apartment were yellow and sticky and everything in there just reeked of smoke. She also drank hard liquor until about age 60. Unbelievable. In her case, people mistook her for a decade or more younger!
Smoking really ages the skin and yow! on those smoker’s lips!
Sounds like you’re still under 30. I had to change my diet in my 30s – exercise just wasn’t enough to keep down the poundage.
I’m all set on number 3 and 7, and I’ve got half of #10 down, though I do wear a hat on the playground…
I should be granny material in no time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KIDDING! The veggies are IN my fridge…now if I could just get myself to EAT them!!!!!
You know, there’s one I think you forgot on that list – sleep. I’m not a good sleeper & whenever I only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep (Like I did last night – did I have to wake up for any reason today? NO!), it feels like I’m barreling toward old age just by virtue of having stayed awake for all those extra hours. If this doesn’t make any sense…that would be because I’m tired.
Jill: yeah, I did think of putting “don’t get enough sleep” but used “high stress job you hate” instead!
You’re not eating you veggies? What kinda example are you setting for your kids? Don’t tell me it’s all ice cream for you?! Yeah, it’s organic ice cream but still…
Sorry you’re tired. I haven’t been sleeping well myself and being tired sucks. I’m used to having lots of energy. It’s a good thing I exercise and eat healthily. I can’t imagine being tired and feeling like crap on top of it. Glad you read you don’t smoke. Smoking is like sucking your own life out of yourself.
I actually belong to a veggie co-op & *****try***** and eat what I get…I even have an as of yet unposted blog entry about it that just needs some revision. But yeah, since the kids left for summer camp I’ve been sort of substituting ice cream or beer for meals a little too frequently…that will change when I visit my brother here soon…
Never have smoked, though just like with the food thing, since the kids have been at camp I’ve probably spent enough time in smoky bars so my lungs wouldn’t know the difference. :-0
Ok MsQ!!!!!!! I’m going to go out on a limb & say you probably love a good deed as much as I do, so I HAD to tell you: You’ve done yours for the day. Because of your post, NOT ONLY did I cut up some of those veggies for dinner, BUT when I ran out to buy beer while they were cooking I WORE SUNSCREEN!!!!!!!!!!
Jill: Haha! Glad you’re having veggies (are you gonna deep fry ‘em and/or douse ‘em in butter? ) and you wore sunscreen! I’m not sure if beer cancels out the sunscreen though.
GIRL: You take good care of yourself because you are SO WORTH IT. Remember that. I’ll be hoisting a glass of antioxidants for you – to your health!
Thanks MsQ!!!!!
I don’t deep fry…actually I don’t even shallow fry…sautéed is about as close as I get.
But I did one better on the butter douse – buttered, egged & cheesed! :-0 :-0 :-0 I couldn’t help it though – I’ve never really had butternut squash before & I was kind of scared of it. It really was okay though – probably even without the soufflé on top! I usually do either/or with the butter & the egg when I’m using a familiar veggie. It was all *organic* butter & cheese though, if that counts for anything, & free range egg…
Jill: I loves butternut squash! I usually steam it with chicken broth along with some other veggies like cauliflower, broccoli, whatever. Lately I’ve cooked them with canned organic diced tomatoes instead of the broth, added some marinara sauce to thicken (also adding any other veggies at hand) and eaten the whole thing over brown rice.
It’s also FANTASTIC roasted.
Preheat oven to 350 F:
Yum. You can even eat the leftover roasted veggies cold. I cube up (about 1/2- 3/4″) zucchini, butternut squash, bell peppers, yams, slice in half whole mushrooms and brussels sprouts. I make this huge pile of veggies. You can also use onion and potatoes.
Then I mix:
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil,
about 2 TBSP balsamic vinegar,
crumble I dunno,
2 big pinches of basil and
2 big pinches of thyme
and blend everything with a fork.
I pour this over my big bowl of raw veggies, toss. Grind salt and pepper liberally and toss and grind and toss. The veggies are just lightly coated.
The actual recipe uses fresh chopped rosemary and thyme (MUCH BETTER) but really, any herbs would probably do.
Anyway, I put the veggies in a standard metal 13″X9″X2″ pan and bake in the middle rack for 45 min stirring every 15 min.
I don’t bother to have the veggies all in a single layer which most recipes recommend.
Sounds yummy now that I know I’m okay with the squash!
Incidentally, I threw out all that warrior poet stuff tonight. Apparently if a guy can play Townes Van Zandt on the guitar, that’s about all I require. KIDDING!!!!! But only sort of.
Unfortunately (or fortunately), this particular guy is dating my friend. Now if only she would hurry up & MARRY HIM we could hang around her house singing ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!! Kidding! Actually, no. I’m serious about that one. I wish she would marry this guy & that his guitar would never leave his hands whenever I visit.
Ok, please pardon the fact that I am totally stalking your blog by this point in the comments! This particular bit needs to find it’s way onto MY blog one of these days too but it SO fits with this post AND ties my last comment back in with your original post:
Apparently the beers DID cancel out the sunscreen, because guitar-guy asked me tonight if I was sure I was age 38 and not age 138!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him that didn’t sound exactly like a compliment, but he claimed it was just because I know so many songs from the 1930s & 40s and later and way earlier…
Jill: You threw out the warrior-poet? Huh. Well, that’s always felt more my type than your type! You’ve been telling me you like musician-authors or perhaps author-musicians.
I guess I prefer the sword and you prefer the pen! In my case, I have my own pen, not too great with the sword. Also not that great with poetry so warrior-poet would make a nice complement.
OUCH on guitar-guy asking if you were 138 instead of 38! OK, he did clarify but still.
Yeah, you need to start cutting and pasting your whacky comments into your own blog. Hehehehe. Not that I mind your comments at all. Only those “in the know” would think to learn more Interesting Facts About Jill in a tiny corner of QMusings.
LOL! That’s funny. I don’ really want to look at billboards like that. Lets face it, we all like attractive things. We want our eyes to be pleased, not damaged. I can see the point of this video but also see the point that the other way around can be taken too far with eating disorders and such. There is a happy medium.
Ricardo: Of course I’d rather look at beauty than ugliness but I would hope that advertising could have a balance. We are so used to looking AT perfection in advertising we look FOR perfection in everything.
Of course, marketing is about creating desire and since perfection is well, unattainable because of its very indefiniteness, we will always desire and therefore purchase, any product that sells perfection.
When I was overseas, I watched a little TV (there was some South African version of “dance with the stars”) and it was interesting to compare the production values (I think that’s what it’s called) of the shows there and in the US. The makeup, lighting, all that were much harsher in South Africa – that is, people looked good but not as good as in the US!
I also think that people look more normal on the shows in the UK, at least based on the snippets I’ve seen of that detective show that Helen Mirren starred in and the old “All Creatures” series. In the UK people on television look gray and tired and blotchy and in US, television stars look buffed and polished.
It’s no wonder we don’t recognize stars if we bump into them in the streets. It’s also sad that celebrities have paparazzi dogging them and taking photos of them looking normal just so the average Joes and Janes can gasp and make fun at how human these stars are.
Yes sites like TMZ.com (and many, many more) make their bread and butter with paparazzi shots of stars looking normal. Where is the crime in this? There’s something wrong there. Some are making fools of themselves however and I can understand laughing at that. I have BBC America and there is a more down to earth beauty about some of the women on those shows in the UK. But don’t be fooled, they have showes where the women are too perfect for their own good as well with very high production value. Not that I’m complaining or anything……..
Ricardo: Shots of stars looking normal? No crime in that! What gets me is that we are so fascinated with the lives of celebrities.
In some ways it’s probably good for people to see that it takes a lot to make celebrities look the way they do. Usually. I mean, good looking is good looking but makeup, clothes, a great haircut and incredible tone make people look a LOT better.
Thanks for update that BBC America also features shows with impossibly perfect people. I realize that television and movies are escapism and fantasy so why not have impossibly perfect people? I loved how great Angeline Jolie looked the Lara Croft movies (she looks fantastic even when she’s picking up her latest adoptee of the week) she was freaky-perfect all bodaciousness, curves AND muscular cuts. Eeeee. Uber-female.
Then there’s Brad Pitt. Not my type but very nice to look at.
Jolie is the rare exception to the rule. It would take a lot to ruin her. She sweats sensuality. Truly amazing.
I dunno, Christian/C is at least as much warrior as musician (very, very into martial arts, talked about men being protective of women they were out with even if they weren’t dating) …and he wrapped me around his finger right from the start by inventing a clever word and making jokes about alliteration…
Still, I’m apparently willing to overlook a whole heck of a lot when a guy can play Townes Van Zandt…. :-0 :-0 :-0 Gotta figure out a way that my friend will marry this guy.
Ricardo: “Sweats sensuality” – yep!
Jill: Hmm. Sounds like C/C is quite the deadly combination at least for your tastes AND he is alliterative.
I had to look up TVZ – had no idea who he was! I was brought up with Nat King Cole, Dean Martin that era (which was actually my mom’s era) and still like those ole songbook days. I have since branched out and am generally willing to listen to anything once!
I read that: “Townes Van Zandt struggled with alcoholism throughout his adult life” and was “diagnosed manic-depressive.”
Hopefully being a manic-depressed alcoholic is not a requirement to being able to play his music!
Drat! Typed in a whole thing that the computer ate…
Nah…I’d play the part of the manic-depressed alcoholic way better than my friend’s future husband…he barely even drinks…
You should read some of his lyrics, ’cause he’d qualify for the poet part, maybe warrior too I dunno. I think Pancho & Lefty is his best known, but I like To Live To Fly best. Flying Shoes & No Place to Fall…they read just like poetry. If I Needed You he wrote in his sleep. Here, go look, then you can be in love with a warrior poet dead guy too.
You have to scroll a little to pass up the ads: [TVZ Lyrics]
Jill: too bad about your computer eating your earlier comment!
That’s kinda cool that your friend’s future husband barely drinks. He’ll probably play better guitar that way!
I did read in the TVZ “wiki” that he was a poet, too and there was something about him being in MENSA or a genius. I did read the songs you mentioned. Yes, they read like poetry, quite beautiful.
Sweet! I’ll use this as my new diet and excercise program once I finish recovering from surgery