Jul 24 2007
The Wedding: A Day of Tears
I always cry at weddings.
I didn’t used to. When I was a kid, they were just the boring prelude to the banquet. Now I’ll watch a wedding ceremony and think of all it took to bring two people together.
When I was younger I didn’t appreciate or understand what a wedding really meant.
As a child of divorce, I was, shall we say, a bit skeptical about all this “love you ’til the end of time” stuff.
Now I attend a wedding and I see love and all this hope. It’s beautiful to see such trust in the future, to see two people who have such faith that their love for each other will remain strong.
Marriages may not always be forever but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t begin with love. Two people took a chance. I’d like to think they believed in love, that they believed in each other.
I’ve learned much about love over the years. There was a time that I thought that love was need and need was weakness and I didn’t want to be weak. I had to be strong.
I thought that strong people don’t cry, that strong people don’t show pain. I didn’t know that strong people might not show pain because they don’t feel pain and the reason they aren’t feeling pain is because they don’t feel. They can’t. They are numb.
Then I learned that love was acceptance and appreciation and allowing. I realized that I was afraid and if I wanted to feel love, I had to say no to fear. I had to be open to pain in order to be open to love.
I began to put my lessons to work and as my relationships became closer I began to believe in love.
I began to cry at weddings.
Some lessons are eye opening: We begin to see the world in a whole new way.
Some lessons are heart opening: We begin to feel in a whole new way.
It is much easier to live with the belief that you don’t need anyone. Not feeling feels so safe.
I opened my heart and love walked in.
Love is a part of life. Pain is, too.
I went to a wedding this weekend. I watched as my cousin and his bride exchanged their wedding vows.
“From this day forward
you shall not walk alone.
My heart will be your shelter
and my arms will be your home.
And with this ring I thee wed.”
When you open yourself to love, you also open yourself to pain.
Love is a part of life. Pain is, too.
I don’t want to be numb.
I’m glad I cry at weddings.
Thanks to Irisi of Ruminations for introducing me to India Arie.
I hope you enjoy “Ready For Love” by India Arie.
The lyrics seem appropriate for this post.
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I’ve been thinking
Maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I’ll say the same thing
Next: The Reception - A Night Of Laughter
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You have a thing for India Arie? I enjoy her music so much.
Weddings are amazing. Not just the ceremony but the reason and romance behind it. Not to mention the beginning stages that it represents.
I have no intention of getting married but I wish all those who make it to that point much respect.
UT: Until Irisi mentioned the “I am not my hair” song, I was only familiar with India Arie’s “Video” song:
I’m not the average girl from your video
and I ain’t built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be India Arie
When I look in the mirror the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it’s supposed to be
And I know our creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes I’m lovin’ what I see
I’ve always loved that song but never searched for other songs of hers. Now I’ve been listening to her all the time (via YouTube) especially as her music is so uplifting and I need some lifting up! I like her “It’s the Little Things” song as well.
I’ve gone back and forth on the marriage thing. When I was younger I thought I’d be married sooner or later but only met one person I thought was “forever” and that didn’t work out. I don’t want to be married just to be married.
Then I changed my mind to thinking that unless there were children, marriage wasn’t a big deal for me.
I’ve changed my mind yet again! I used to think that marriage was “just a piece of paper” and while it is, it is also a contract and the people I know who lived together for years (even decades!) said that when they actually got married, it made a difference.
Marriage ceremonies make a difference to the heart. People need ceremonies.
Someday I hope to be married. Part of me thinks that it makes me sound like some lonely, desperate middle-aged woman but then I see the happy marriages of many of my relatives and think, hey, I want a piece of THAT.
Ok…I don’t know that I’m willing to delve into all my various hang ups about marriage right at this very moment… *sigh*… but my real question is - there are really people that don’t feel pain? Are they like, related to serial killers or something? Surely there can’t be too very many of them, can there?!?!? I thought pain was pretty universal…
Jill: There are many people who have unacknowledged pain. Think of how many bad memories that are blocked. Much of the anger and rage out there is pain-based. It’s easier to be angry than to feel pain.
Usually some event will allow the hidden pain to surface - a mid-life crisis, divorce, a death. In order to deal with the pain of the “trigger event” the person ends up healing old pain.
Sometimes hidden pain is expressed as depression. A person begins to feel depressed and doesn’t know why. Maybe they take drugs or drink. It dulls the pain. Depression is the more obvious form of pain.
People do many things to escape feeling pain including doing things that give them more pain! But it’s all a distracting type of pain.
I’m thinking of people who were not valued as children. Perhaps they were abused or neglected. Who wants to feel the pain of being unloved and harmed by their own parents? Many people if they even acknowledge the abuse respond with anger and rage or they turn it against themselves and become very depressed. It takes a lot to say to yourself, “I am a good person. I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I was hurt and betrayed by the very people that should have loved and supported me.”
I’m giving the more extreme examples here. As children we are told to “toughen up” and we become cynical. We become less empathetic. We see a homeless person and instead of empathy we feel disgust.
Have you ever spoken with someone who had no idea what they were feeling? Do you know people who seem to sleepwalk through life? I sometimes wonder if they are dreamers or if they have boxed up all their feelings until nothing much is left.
Weird, a really similar conversation is going on today in a different blog I read, although from a totally & completely different angle.
I sometimes wonder if I’m “in touch with my feelings” at all. Ever. I’m definitely in touch with *other people’s feelings* though - pure empathy at homeless people, no disgust at all, probably could use a tad more fear in that department. I’m not very good at that whole, “I wonder if s/he’s mad at me” kind of thing, but if I know someone definitely *is* mad/sad/whatever, I’m right there feeling it for them…
I really couldn’t say how much of it is life circumstances and how much I just come by naturally though. One of my grandfathers was a dentist & I’ve heard my mom or my uncle say it hurt him worse to work on teeth than it hurt the patients. ;-0
marriage? They’ll never get me into that alive!
Ricardo: Even if you never marry, I hope you meet the woman who makes you say, “Yes” with all your heart.
Now that is a wonderful wish and I really appreciate that.
That’s the spirit Ricardo!!!!!! Kidding! But only sort of and I second Ms.Q’s wish for you.
Here Ms.Q,
In the spirit of the way I’ve been dragging your post, have you heard Mercy Now by Mary Gauthier? It is SOOOOOO pretty. I LOVE this song (and songs about chickens):
My father could use a little mercy now
The fruits of his labor
Fall and rot slowly on the ground
His work is almost over
It won’t be long and he won’t be around
I love my father, and he could use some mercy now
My brother could use a little mercy now
He’s a stranger to freedom
He’s shackled to his fears and doubts
The pain that he lives in is
Almost more than living will allow
I love my bother, and he could use some mercy now
My church and my country could use a little mercy now
As they sink into a poisoned pit
That’s going to take forever to climb out
They carry the weight of the faithful
Who follow them down
I love my church and country, and they could use some mercy now
Every living thing could use a little mercy now
Only the hand of grace can end the race
Towards another mushroom cloud
People in power, well
They’ll do anything to keep their crown
I love life, and life itself could use some mercy now
Yeah, we all could use a little mercy now
I know we don’t deserve it
But we need it anyhow
We hang in the balance
Dangle ‘tween hell and hallowed ground
Every single one of us could use some mercy now
Every single one of us could use some mercy now
Every single one of us could use some mercy now
Jill: Those lyrics are wonderful and heartfelt! I never heard of Mary Gauthier. You have been introducing me to new artists, that is for sure!
I love that stanza:
My brother could use a little mercy now
He’s a stranger to freedom
He’s shackled to his fears and doubts
The pain that he lives in is
Almost more than living will allow
I love my bother, and he could use some mercy now
You and Irisi (been listening to a lot of India Arie these days - her “There’s Hope” has been keeping my mood up).
I did find a YouTube of Mary singing “Mercy Now” it looks like she produced it herself.
No suprise I guess that that’s my favorite stanza too.
I love the whole song though, the whole loving country & church despite faults thing, mercy regardless of whether it’s deserved…all that.
The only line I don’t particularly care for is the one about the crown.