“I think if you were to ask that mom if she really wanted her daughter to feel badly about herself, that mom would say no.”

I agree with you. However, as someone who has unfortunately given subtle digs to people (eewww) with a sense of self righteous (and very nasty) self-satisfaction, I know that we can really fool ourselves into thinking that we “have the best” in mind for someone. I know someone who is incredibly passive-aggressive. He never does this to me but I’ll hear a recounting of the nasty and invalidating things he says. He has no idea. He really thinks he is a nice guy. What is interesting is that he only does it to people he knows he can get away with it with – who don’t fight back or who don’t know enough to call him on it. All they know is they feel badly about themselves after speaking with him.

I had no idea he was this way because he never did this to me. When I tried to bring up his passive-aggressive behavior (being very careful about it) he really has no idea, is totally aghast, denies that hurting anyone is his intention. Which is why I think that a mother may not really desire to make her children feel badly about themselves but that is what may happen anyway.

Which does match into what you say that she may only be repeating the words she heard as a child herself.

I have heard mothers complain about how judgmental other people and parents can be. I have also seen how sneering some women can be of “breeders.” It was a bit freaky to see one of my neighbors (I wrote about “Blondie” in one post) want to have “adult only” type parties using our apartment complex’s meeting room. Uh..the meeting room is for everyone and everyone includes families. I get a bit overwhelmed by kids running around and screaming but I’m not against them. Blondie seems to despise children and the women who have them. But I digress.

I have also read how mothers feel like they have to be apologetic about their children – like they can’t bring them anywhere. I dunno. I have to admit, if I’m in a restaurant and sitting next to a stranger’s child and that child is banging the back of his chair against mine or screaming, I wince. If I see the parent trying his best, OK. If I see the parent ignoring their child, it bugs me. I may not be a parent but I don’t think that taking care of children is easy. Kids cry, they get upset and I remember running around a store as a child myself. I get upset with parents when I see them endangering their kid or setting a bad example (like allowing them to litter or even littering themselves). What’s endangering?

I get very paranoid when I’m driving in a supermarket parking lot. I back out and I can’t see anything below my trunk – like a child. I’ve sometimes walked towards my car and see parents or adults chatting with each other and their child is off running around the parking lot! EEEk! One guy I know was parallel parked on the street and was backing up to get out and some mother had allowed her kid to get behind his car! She was angry WITH HIM! He saw the kid before she did. Freaky.

Overall, I look at parenting as a “people do the best they can with what they have” type of thing. What else can we do? I never had children and I think that if I had, I’d be worried the entire time that I’d eff ‘em up. Which I’m told is probably the sign that I’d be a great parent!

My parents were young when they had me and far from perfect. Do I have Issues? Yep. But they also gave me values (honesty, respect, morals). They did the best they could. The rest was up to me. Blame is a losing game and the one that loses is the blamer.

Ellen: Glad you are interested in the books I’ve mentioned. Both authors were recommended to me! The “How To Be Adult” book was a recent recommendation which led me to his “Love meets fear” book. I love Richo’s “Five As” – Attentive, Accepting, Appreciation, Affection and Allowing. I remind myself of them on regular basis when it comes to my relationships. Especially Allowing and Appreciation – my weak areas! How loving it is to allow someone to be who they are and to appreciate them for who they are. That seems so beautiful to me.

Thanks for passing on Oprah’s quote: “Every child needs at least one person in their life whose eyes light up when they enter the room”

It makes me think of something mentioned in the book, “Vital Friends” by Tom Rath. He recounts how one runaway teenager’s life was changed by someone who believed in her. He asked the woman, “Who expects you to be somebody” and she said ‘Jessica’ the name of her friend.

That’s something – to have someone in your life who believes iin you. They help you to believe in yourself.