Sep 04 2007
Let’s Change Our Tune
Remember that childhood game?
It’s simple and like what happens at the end of the game, a bit sad.
Most of us have played it. You get a daisy. You pluck off a petal. You chant, “He loves me.”
You pluck off another petal. You chant, “He loves me not.”
You keep plucking petals and chanting.
Pluck. “He loves me.”
Pluck. “He loves me not.”
You pluck and chant until there are no more petals. Just a sad, lonely center.
If you’re lucky, you end up with, “He loves me.”
Or “She loves me”, depending.
The person you’re thinking of could be anyone: You best friend. Your mom. The kid you have a crush on who doesn’t even know your name.
Lately I have been hearing the cries of Lost Children: The Wounded Inner Child of adults.
One man said, “I hate myself.”
One woman described how her self-worth is tied to her job and she’s going through a crisis because she’s certain she will be fired.
It hurt me to hear this. I have my own problems with self-acceptance but their wounds are so much deeper.
When I told the man that I say affirmations, that I tell myself, “I love myself,” he replied, “I tried affirmations. They don’t work for me. I don’t believe what I’m saying.”
As the woman described how important her job is to her because it shows her parents how successful she is, I reached out across the table and grabbed her hand in mine. Her lips pressed tightly together and she looked off to the side and then back at me.
I said, “You’re a wonderful person. You are not your job. I’ve been dealing with my own issues of esteem and here’s what I do…”
She gripped my hand tighter and tried to frown at me. “You’re not going to tell me something…something that will make me cry are you?”
I said, “This is what I say to myself.”
She looked at me and waited.
I tell myself: “I am whole, complete and perfect.”
She went still and looked at me. Tears ran down my face.
I could see that she was holding back her own.
I wish that we all loved ourselves. Loving ourselves should come easily.
I’ve been taking my mom’s advice as well as my own. I’m showing myself more love.
Last week I bought a small bouquet of flowers for myself. I put them in a place where I’d be sure to see them often. Every time I see them they remind me of how much I love myself. Their beauty reminds me of the beauty in me.
Read the following 5 sentences. Say them out loud.
- I love myself.
- I am whole, complete and perfect.
- I love and approve of myself.
- I always deserve love.
- I love and accept myself exactly as I am.
I hope you felt the truth in them – that you are whole, complete and perfect.
If you ever feel the need to pluck the petals off a daisy, I suggest you change your tune.
Pluck. “I love me.”
Pluck. “I love me a lot.”
Isn’t that better?
“I love me. I love me a lot. I love me. I love me a lot.”
In case you’re wondering where I put the flowers, I’m sure you regular readers can guess. Yup. The bathroom.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Have I ever told you how much I like how your mind thinks?
Your mother has raised a wise person. I can only imagine what your friends feel around you having the experience of first hand contact.
This entry has hit home as I am currently going through a situation as well as helping others through theirs.
Keep on Keeping On Ms. Q!
I’ll have to agree with Urban Thought here.. this is indeed a beautiful post, and you yourself come across as a beautiful and wise person!
The advice you’re giving here is probably one of the most difficult ones.. saying it and believing it.. not only for me, but I guess for a lot of (if not most) people..
And that really, truly is a shame.
One thing I hope, with all of my heart, is that I will be able raise my own children to love themselves. That all parents will be able to do that.. Not in a egoistical kind of way, but in an empowering kind of way.. That would definitely make their lives so much easier..
UT: I think you have mentioned how much you like the way I think but it’s always nice to hear again! Thank you.
With respect to how my friends feel being around me…well, I’d have to say that they just bask in the afterglow
Well, we bask in each other’s glow. I have some wonderful friends! I really am surrounded by love.
We seem to go through similar issues together. I hope you’re coping okay on your end. Just remember to take care of yourself, too! I sometimes forget to take care of myself when helping others and then end up feeling drained.
Ellen: Thank you! My initial reaction upon reading you and Urban Thought’s compliments was, “I’m NOT all that!” which is exactly what I was writing AGAINST. I should acknowledge my good parts, too. Even if our parents teach us self-love, the world generally teaches us not to “toot our own horn” and that saying, “I love myself!” is narcissistic instead of healthy.
From David Richo. who wrote, “How To Be An Adult in Relationships” and “When Love Meets Fear: How To Become Defense-less and Resource-full”:
How do we deal with neurotic fear? You fear closeness, abandonment, rejection, success, failure, what other people may think of you. These things do not really hurt you. It is False Evidence Appearing Real but nonetheless scary. Like all neurotic fear, it has to be dealt with even though your rational mind may deny its force.
We will never get over our fear until we love ourselves. When we open to our feelings, our hearts are soft and accessible to ourselves and to others. That self-accepted heart is the sanctuary of fearlessness. Fearlessness is not less fear or no fear but so much love that we go beyond fear at last.
Wow…I’ve heard so much of the exact opposite growing up that it’s nearly impossible for me to say these without laughing. I feel like Stuart Smally from that Saturday Night Live Skit back in the early 90’s.
But seriously, I really can see how if you truly believe in the power of affirmations how valuable it can be. It’s also so simple to do. You don’t need anyone else, just you and you can do it almost at any time. It’s something all your own and there is a strength in that.
Ricardo: When I first heard of affirmations they sounded very hokey. I only recently began saying them and focusing on feeling them.
Culture, family, society, it’s all a bit dysfunctional with the mixed messages! I mean, we’re told that high self esteem is good. Then we hear that speaking highly of yourself is egocentric. Unless you are shown examples or are with someone who’s grounded, self-aware and has healthy self-love, how can you know?
It’s too bad that you have the same reaction that most people when it comes to affirmations – you can’t take it seriously. I felt the same way. It’s a reflection of how we aren’t taught to take ourselves seriously, to value our true self.
I believe in affirmations. Why? Well, think how well negative beliefs work. I used to have this, “I’ll never be independent” loop in my head. The belief of friends and led to a belief in self and now…I’m independent.
I see people tell themselves negative things all day long. I do this myself. My mom will forget something. She’ll say, “I’m SO STUPID!” and I gently correct her.
I have begun saying affirmations and feeling them regularly now. It feels good to say them. It also puts me in a very loving space towards everyone else. It’s true what they say about how loving yourself allows you to love others. When I love myself, I am not looking for someone else to satisfy me.
“You can’t give what you don’t have.”
I’m not sure if affirmations would work for me right now with where I’m at. I tend towards skepticism & pesimism.
The second one (I am whole, complete and perfect.) is probably the hardest for me to accept right now. But, that might be based on where I am at in my life, recovering from depression, and wanting to change some things about myself. (and working to change them.)
interestingly enough, one of my guilty pleasures, big brother, has included the use of an interesting phrase this season – it is what it is. I used to hear that from a yoga teacher whose class I frequented. I thought it was odd to hear it from some of the folks I was hearing it from, but it does ring true all too often. It is what it is.
ack: From what I’ve been hearing, you need to have a certain level of self-love to even begin to say the affirmations, which seems to defeat the purpose!
I still struggle a bit with taking it seriously. But I’ve added the affirmations to my daily and nightly meditations and when I think about something negative, I immediately try to change it to something more positive.
I also say this, “I see beauty in everyone.”
There IS truth to the saying that loving yourself allows you to give love to others. Yesterday I was feeling very good about myself and when I went out for a walk, I smiled at everyone and finally introduced myself to this elderly woman I see every so often going to church along the way. I’d begun saying hi as I passed her by either going or coming and last night I actually stopped (lovely weather) and we had a nice chat. She invited me to visit her at the nearby retirement/care facility.
She was really cool – 85 years old (looked more like late 60s!) with 12 grown children and still walking to church! Since I tend to meet thoughtful folks wherever I go, she had a great deal of wisdom about relationships and family. I would like to visit her some day.
So you’re a Big Brother? A mentor?
I dunno about “It is what it is.” as yet. A stylist said that to me after cutting my hair and I asked if he could deal with some hair that was sticking out. He said it was a cowlick. I tried to be diplomatic. I mean, every other person who’d cut my hair at that salon had been able to deal with my cowlick. He replied, “it is what it is.”
So part of me thinks that some people use it as an excuse. Which doesn’t negate the truth to it but I’m not quite there yet with respect to acceptance of stylists with attitude.
How about this. You have a comp sci background, right?
So p->q and q->r so p->r
p = You
q = It is what it is.
r = Everyone is whole, complete and perfect.
So you is what you is and you is whole, complete and perfect.
Healthy self-love is one of the best gifts anyone can give themselves. And like the commercial (dunno which one), ‘It’s the gift that keeps on giving.”
I will never understand people who require acceptance from outside of themselves to feel alive or important. I like to get praise just as much as anyone else but I do not live my life in such a way that a lack of praise will cause me to shrivel up and die.
I have always felt that is up to you to create your own happiness. If you are looking to someone else to make you happy you will only be miserable.
I can’t make myself happy but I can’t make someone else happy if only because I am not them. I can make other people angry and mad though. I call that a skill though
MsQ: You need to watch more TV.
Big Brother is a TV show, wrapping up it’s 8th season right now. It’s one of the so-called reality shows that’s been stuffing up the airwaves of late. It’s dumb, but I get into it.
Yeah, I’ve got the comp sci background, but that’s more math. If were CS, the variables would have been “foo”, “bar”, and “baz.”
The part of me is the side that leans towards pesimism. So, I would seriously doubt ‘r’ being true. I’ve run into too many folks that ain’t whole, complete, or perfect. Of course, there’s those that seem to be under the delusion that they are perfect, and they tend to get qite annoying.
A gift that keeps on giving? Gee, that describes soo many things. Too bad most of what comes to mind isn’t appropriate for a family blog.
ack: sorry. No TV here. No wonder you wrote “guilty pleasure.”
Dunno, “baz” but yeah, p->q->r IS more math, uh, discrete mathematics!
Ahh the part of you that thinks that “too many folks ain’t “whole, complete and perfect” is the judging part of you. I’m still working on this but the person I want to be is the person that sees everyone as whole, complete and perfect.
Everything I’ve read about spiritual masters, gurus and the like, they don’t judge – they accept. An object just is. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It just .. is. You wrote, ‘It is what it is.”
There is truth to that. Like I said, I’m still working on this. I’ve seen how self-acceptance can change how you see others. The more I accept and love myself, the more understanding I am of others. People also seem more attractive to me.
Just think of the world we’d live in if we all saw the truth: that we are all whole, complete and perfect.
When I meet someone who I find irritating, I think of this. It’s me that allows myself to be irritated. I consider that they are someone who is human, they too long to feel whole, compete and perfect.
MsQ: perhaps you should read the RFC on the etymology of foo. For those unaware, I just descended into utter geekdom again. The RFC is 3092. (link: http://www.ietf.org/rfc/rfc3092.txt?number=3092)
Ah, discrete mathematics was soo long ago. I took it with someone by the name of John Kennedy. (no, not that one. another one. known to many as ‘warlock’. Or later, when he ran an empire game, Kali.)
Yeah, okay. I can see that I’m judging people, and maybe I didn’t used to do that as much. Or, I over did it to the point of keeping the hell away from them. I don’t think I’m anywhere near where I want to be in relating to other people. But i’m working on it.
Also, I’m in a spot now where my relationship with one person is partcularly strained. I had been opening up, and some things happens. Major paranoia would see a sinister plan to screw with me there, but i’ve been trying to avoid that. Then, some stuff happened between us that’s driven us a little apart. Now, I can barely get her to answer my e-mails. But, I still run into her every so often, and we’re cordial. (hi, how’s it going? maybe spend a few minutes talking.) Last time I saw her, she said that she had gotten my e-mail, but hadn’ responded, and seemed to promise to respond soon. that was tuesday after work. now, it’s friday. zed response. is on purpose? i don’t think so. does it hurt? you betcha. i’m trying not to obsess about it, but sometimes it’s hard.
So, i’m really trying to not let this hose me up, and get me to clam back up again. been there. done that. ought the drugs to get out of there. the side affects suck as you get used to them.
ack: well, I’d heard of foo and after skimming the link you sent, it all came back to me.
I’m sorry you’re having a strained relationship with someone. It’s very difficult when you’re opening up to someone and it appears that they aren’t liking what they see. The thing is, it’s hard to know.
Most people don’t like change, aren’t able to adapt to it all that well. A very good friend used this analogy with me when it came to relationships: it’s a dance. If you change your steps, your partner has to change as well to dance with you.
I remember when my mom began to feel enough self-confidence to argue with me. I was so used to being the decision maker that I became a bit bossy and annoyed. Luckily, this didn’t last long. Well, I hope not!
I then realized, hey, she’s gained enough esteem to feel confident in herself and in my support of her that she’s standing up for what she wants!
I had to change my dance.
It’s difficult not to feel rejected, especially when it’s someone you’re close to. I’m glad you’re not allowing this to stop your growth.
“Now, I can barely get her to answer my e-mails.”
That’s rough. When this has happened to me, I either stop trying or I send a heartfelt email asking what is going on. If I get no response then I stop once and for all. I let them go.
The thing is, sometimes you end up outgrowing people. You may like them, even love them but you are emotionally leaving them behind. I find it hard to let go of people but it’s a lesson I’m learning.
I’ve also learned that people will surprise you in wonderful ways. I have revealed and shared my weaknesses with people and have been welcomed.
Again, letting go of judging is something I keep working on. But benefits are wonderful – I meet more and more wonderful people. I think of judging as this negative vibe that brings out the worse in people. I know I’m not all that relaxed when I feel judged. When I feel that someone likes me? I naturally feel much warmer towards them.
As I learned to love and accept myself more (I really hold myself to a high standard – uck) I do notice that I am more accepting of others.
MsQ: The last message was of the heartfelt asking what’s going on variety. Bupkiss on the response front though. I even saw her today in the parking lot as I was driving in from running an errand and she was heading out. Drove right by her. We waved. See ya!
She coulda flagged me down and said something to me. Sure, she was on the phone, but if she really had something to say, that wouldn’t have mattered. So, I’m guessing she had nothing to say.
It’s unfortunate, and makes things somewhat complicated. Odds are, we’ll continue to run into each other, and some stuff might come up, forcing some folks to choose to not invite me to things. (They’ve known her longer, so I would be surprised if things came down to picking one, i would get picked.) Oh, well.
No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There’s always a boom tomorrow.
)
(Pop Quiz: Name that quote!
ack: Sounds like you did your part with respect to asking what’s going on and that took a lot of courage, self respect and honesty. Bravo for you!
It hurts when you feel rejected or worse, dismissed, not even a blip. Regardless of what she’s actually thinking, the fact is that she’s not responding to you. I’ve been there. It sucks. I’ve had to let go. Unfortunately, when you change you sometimes end up leaving people behind and sometimes it’s nobody’s fault at all – you just have nothing to say any longer, no intersection (using Venn).
I’ve also been in these awkward situations where I can invite one but not the other.
Give the affirmations a shot. Seriously!
I’ve been really trying to say them to myself for the past 2 weeks, something I’ve never really done before and I’ve been in a much better mood.
When I feel some “who would ever date me” type of badness I visualize myself as this light, this warm and loving light and tell myself I am beautiful and when I see myself as this light (instead of focusing on how old I am, blah-negative-blah) I can say to myself I am whole. complete and perfect and from there move on to, I deserve love.
I notice that I feel less needy, too.
I think it’s great that you send her a heartfelt message. Being vulnerable is not being weak. Being honest and open and exposed is being fearless. Many people have to become fearless in order to respond in kind.
Regarding the boom – don’t recognize it, sorry.
I’m still not sure I like those affirmations. Do I have to use them? Or can I hack on them?
As for her, the crappy part is that I think we could intersect, but I feel like I’m being pushed away. Oh, well. Time to move on.
As for the quote, that was more for other folks as it’s a TV quote. (Hint: sci fi tv series from several years ago.)
ack: I dunno about hacking those affirmations. They seem fairly straightforward and un-hackable to me. You don’t have to use them, though. Be nice if you did but…
I’m sorry you feel like you’re being pushed away. I am sorry if you’re feeling pain now.
It’s number 2, about being whole, complete and perfect. Like I said before, I know I’m not there because I don’t think I’m quite out of where I was. Or, maybe a better way to put it is that I don’t think I’m 100% ready to stay out of the depressed area I was in. So, I’m not complete. I still have issues with making friends. (It’s that whole getting close to folks thing.) And then this whole junk that’s gone on recently with her can easily be taken as negative reinforcement. I have to keep working at it to not let that happen.
Pain? Oh, yeah. We’re old friends.
I almost let the beast out last weekend. He wants to, but I’m not sure how much good he’ll do.
It’ll fade, I’m sure. Hopefully the message I sent yesterday will serve as a good letting go for me. The true test will be later, when we run into each other again, and how that feels. We shall see if it’s like opening the same wound all over again, or if it’s different. (I’m hoping for diminished, but time will tell.)
Ready for the punch line? The day after I sent the message, I ran into her. We said hello from a distance, and then she came up to me to tell me that she’s okay – she just sucks at responding to e-mail right now.
Okay. I might have been a little cold, but it’s how I really did feel. We spoke a little about things and stuff. She went her way, I went mine. I have my answer to both questions I had for her. One explictly (she’s okay), and the other implicitly (no response means …).
So, we’re ready to move on. Still, it strikes me as completely odd that she read the message within a day, and didn’t respond.
No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There’s always a boom tomorrow.
– Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5.
ack: It does say something when you send a hearfelt message and you learn that the person read it soon after and didn’t find the time to respond. When I’ve sent out “My life is really not going great right now” messages to friends…most who read it will at least respond with a quick, “I wish I had time to write, I have an insane deadline but I’m thinking of you!!” type of thing.
With regard to making friends – hhmm…. I’m thinking about the people I know who have very few friends – like none or 1. I am not sure if “loner” fits all but that may be how it appears to the outside world. One guy I knew was incredibly angry. Angry all the time. Judgmental, argued with everyone. I was his friend, wanted to remain his friend but he figured out a way to get rid of me, too. It wasn’t until later when I saw that he managed to push every person who might care about him out of his life.
Another guy was paranoid. Someone else I knew “didn’t have the time.” He was constantly criticizing everyone and expecting them to live up to what, I don’t know.
Hmm. I don’t recall any women who didn’t have friends. Anyway, the theme seems to be that all the people (men) I have known who had 1 or zero friends (with me being the possible 1 friend) were highly critical, and incredibly judgmental of others (really harsh).
Speaking of punchlines, I think you can guess what’s next… I think at their core, all these men were depressed and they were depressed because they did not like themselves. When you don’t feel worthy of love, you don’t allow people to love you.
You write, no boom today, boom tomorrow. How about, no love today, love tomorrow. Amazingly, there is love out there. A lot of freakin’ love. You have to believe in it to be able to feel it.