Sep 28 2007
Finding Myself In the Slow Lane
My dad was very excited.
I had signed up for this free investment seminar and invited him to join me.
My dad is very Chinese. This means he “came over” and has a difficult time with concepts like, “finding your purpose.”
As an eldest son, he pretty much thinks that your purpose is obvious:
- Got to school.
- Get good grades. Actually, “good” is not mentioned. “Get A’s” is the directive.
- Go to college.
- Get a degree. Preferably in a high-paying discipline.
- Get a job.
- Get married.
- Have children, preferably one boy and one girl.
My dad loves me. He’s very old school so hugs and VEAs (Verbal Expressions of Affection) are a bit of a hit and run.
A very Chinese characteristic is an interest in anything to do with capitalism. So he’s had a small business. If you’re looking for life insurance, a realtor, or a mortgage broker, he can help you!
People tell me he has a great sense of humor. In Chinese. I do see many of my relatives laughing when when he’s around.
I’ve never been as interested in investing and business as he which has been a bit of a bummer for him. He likes to think I take after him.
He’ll say, “You’re more like me than your mom.”
I certainly look more like him and his sisters. Unlike him, I am not naturally good at math nor do I have a weakness for any offers that “include a set of steak knives.”
But back to his excitement. I had signed up for this free investment seminar and then realized that I hadn’t seen my dad in a while and an investment seminar was right up his Chinese alley. He’s always saying, “Education is important, it’s never a waste.”
He picks me up since I’m on the way to the seminar. We had both printed out directions. I’m navigating and I as we approach one exit, I say, “Now there will be a fork…stay to the left.”
My dad slows down and hesitates.
I repeat: “Stay to the left.”
He seems unsure.
I finally state: “Take the left lane, Dad.”
I thought I was clear and wasn’t quite sure at my dad’s hesitation. My dad is only 66, not even retired. The directions have us then get into the right lane and take this freeway overpass.
My dad says, “We have to go over an overpass.”
I say, “Yep. So get into the far right lane.”
He hesitates. I see the “overpass” sign.
I repeat: “We need to get into the right lane.”
Dad is thinking and then he finally gets over.
We register for the seminar which turned out pretty interesting. It’s main thrust was to encourage us to purchase (special discount if you sign up tonight!) a 3-day training course.
As we drive home I see signs for the freeway and point them out. He is sure we should head down the road a bit. I look at the signs and say, “I think you need to get over to the far left lane.” He looks and says, “I don’t think that’s it. Besides, I’m too far over.”
I try not to stress over driving and I certainly don’t want to stress out a driver so I let dad find his way.
We go down the road a bit more and I say, “This doesn’t look familiar.”
Dad looks around and says, “Hmm, maybe not.”
I say, “We better turn back.”
So we do and we see the freeway onramp that we had passed earlier. We’re finally back on the freeway and he tells me a bit about his health. We talk cholesterol and blood pressure.
I notice that we’re in the slow lane. We’re not only in the slow lane, we’re moving at about 10 miles slower than the posted speed limit. Cars are passing us.
Dad is looking forward, focusing. I notice how his jawline has softened, how his face has sagged. He still has what I think of as his “Superman Curl” – this wave in the front of his hair – and his hair is even thicker looking now that it’s turn gray. He looks older than my mom.
We’re both comfortable as we’re familiar with the way back. I look over at the speedometer. Dad is going 50 miles per hour in a 65 mile per hour zone.
He drops me off at home and I lean over the handbrake and give him a hug. He smells a bit like garlic.
“I’m glad you could join me,” I tell him.
“I’m happy you’re interested in investing. That’s good,” he replies.
I say goodbye and he drives off. I told myself I have to see him more often.
It was nice seeing him. I have a photo of him holding me up as a toddler. He’s in his undershirt, his hair standing on end and he’s laughing as he holds me up for the camera, a hand gripping me firmly under each arm.
I’m not smiling. My bare legs are dangling straight down and my 2-year old face is one of pudgy seriousness. I have lipstick smeared across my lips and most of the surrounding area.
My dad was maybe 24 years old at the time.
Now he drives in the slow lane.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I love how you have portrayed your Dad both presently and in the past. I do not know him, but I get a good sense of what kind of a person he is by your words.
It is difficult to see our parents age – you know that from reading my blog as well. Even though I know it happens, it is kind of strange to see it. A great post…
That was beautiful.
My dad also drives below the speed limit, only he drives in the fast lane (actually, in the middle of the two fast lanes. He thinks he’s Pacman). I used to get mad at him for that when I was a teenager. It was so embarrassing, with everyone passing us and yelling at us. Now I just sit there and enjoy myself. I wish I could be with him in the car more often.
I’ve noticed that the same thing happens with people around me that get older! It’s so interesting to see what happens with people as they age. Even though I don’t think that I grew up in a similarly very Chinese capitalistic environment, I can understand what you mean based on those that I’ve known. I can even see it in some of my relatives!
In any case, like Sue, it was nice to get to know your dad just from a short post. Thanks for sharing!
What an experience. I see my mother often but rarely do we go out and do anything together. Which is sad considering my cousin takes my mother out every chance she gets.
You’re dad seems like a cool kat who is reserved and only speaks when necessary. Traditional isn’t such a bad thing when you know what you are dealing with. Hope to hear about more outings with your father.
Wow! Thanks for all the comments. It seems that this post has touched a lot of you in different ways.
Sue: Yes, seeing him so tentative and slow-to-react now made me remember how energetic he used to be.I had this Past-Present image in my head which is why I wrote the post the way I did.
Beth: Yeah, it is difficult to see our parents age and I know you’ve been grappling with it! It’s interesting how many of us don’t want to give up our role as child to a parent : emotionally we want our parents to “kiss it and make it better” even if they may have never done this all that much or are able to do it now. I wonder if parents sometimes feel like “Gee, I wish my (45-year old) kid would GROW UP.”
PITS: Wow, your dad is one up on mine with driving slow in the fast lane! From what I’ve heard your reaction time goes down as you age so you want to drive slower. You also lose your peripheral vision and night vision. I also think that as you slow down, everything else seems faster so you THINK you are bopping along at a nice clip but really, you’re going 30 MPH in a 65 MPH zone. But dang! You’re really moving! Or so it feels like.
Derek: A few of my relatives have their own businesses – both sides of the family. But that’s the “first generation.” Interestingly, my grandparents and their children opened up businesses to put their children through school and no one in my generation (that I can think of) has opened up their own business. We get jobs. Which is actually more risky! I’m becoming “more Chinese” in my thinking.
Does this mean you’re a 3rd or 4th generation Chinese? I’m 2nd on my dad’s side, 3rd on my mom’s!
Glad you enjoyed getting a snapshot of my father.
UT: Sounds like you must visit her then. It’s nice that your cousin takes your mom out. My father is more difficult to write about when compared to my mom because he IS so “cool” My mom stories practically write themselves!
He actually is just Really Chinese. Compared to his siblings, he’s a bit stiff. Probably because of being an older son. My uncles and aunts seem much more relaxed about stuff and my younger cousins seem much more lighthearted than yours truly!
I realize that I see my mom more because she “needs” me more – her side of the family doesn’t get together that often and aren’t good with the closeness stuff. Which is kinda funny because my father, as stiff as he is has a very close family!
I can also see that as he’s aging, he does express himself more and I can tell by the little he DOES say, he would like to see me more often.
Wow. Very touching.
I’m only 37, and I drive in the slow lane. I wonder what that means. And regarding thanksgiving spaghetti, my wife and I just celebrated our anniversary with a takeout pizza.
No I’m actually not 3rd or 4th generation Chinese. My mom actually came over and my dad was born here so whatever that makes me is less than 3rd or 4th generation. I was just blessed to have parents that were much more understanding and supportive than is par for Chinese parents.
Does that mean that you’re thinking of opening your own business? Now that would definitely be a series (where it follows you from nothing to a company) that I’d follow with much interest!
Jake: Glad you liked it.
the frogster: I would think it all depends on how slowly you’re driving in the slow lane! Does it have any meaning? Only to you, I’ am sure. The lane I chose just depends on how I feel. Sometimes I’m tired and don’t feel like the higher state of alertness that I think the fast lane requires so I stay in the slow lane. Other times everyone is merging into the slow lane so I stay over to the left.
You’ve been reading my archives! I can see takeout pizza being a nice anniversary dinner and really, it’s not about the food. Some people give such meaning to the food and forget about the feelings!
Didja have a nice anniversary??
Thanks for visiting – is this BEFORE or AFTER coffee??
Derek: I know, the “typical” Chinese parents are thought to be pretty strict – nice to know you had understanding parents.
I am definitely looking into ways to earn more income. If I did begin a business, I am not sure if I would write about it here. As you can probably tell, I try not to give too many identify facts about myself.
Well your dad has it all figured out. If only we could map our lives out so perfectly and easily. Many people who are old school think just like this and do not express affection or feelings much. It was a different time, I guess. My grandfather was very much like this too so when you did see these things coming out it was very rare and you remembered it. You knew it was for real. Still he has really formed quite the network MsQ. Sounds like he’s got his hand in everything. I still think he’s a bit too young to be stuck in the slow lane. I’ll take him out drinking and snap him out of it. How’s that for a scary thought. LOL!
You know, my mind meandered all over on this one – from passenger seat to driver’s seat preferences to relationships with parents, to how torturous I would have found the seminar :-0…so much so that I really, truly had trouble commenting. Then all of a sudden the PERFECT comment came to me: WHILE I was driving in the dark on Friday night. I do write and drive on occasion, but generally not in the dark…
In any case, I’ve been trying to remember it and can’t and now you’ve got a new post up!!!! (Which I can’t wait to read after work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I did like this one though!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jill
Ricardo: Yeah, it’s nice (or it can be nice) if you have a plan, a “map of our life” as you put it, to follow. Usually the map is something someone else has given us though! I think that the fewer options you *think* you have, the simpler your map and the more you think you have one.
My dad’s isn’t that expressive although compared to his father (my grandfather died when I was maybe 3 or 4, I don’t recall him) he might be as emotive as a soap opera star. As you say, when he IS expressive, it’s so rare I remember it.
I was a bit surprised by him being in the slow lane. He’s never been all that speedy but now that I think about it, I wonder if it’s because of his wife – she’s the nervous type (points to someone halfway down the block), “Be careful of that person walking over there!”
YOU taking him out drinking?? That IS a scary thought! I can kinda see it, though. I have seen my dad laughing and yukking it up a bit and he gets pretty flushed with a little bit of alcohol.
Jill: Wow..you think about commenting on my blog WHILE DRIVING? Dang…. I’m flattered! I would think there would be SO MANY other things you’d be thinking about.
Six months ago I would have found an investment seminar nail-in-the-eye fun. Now…it’s all kinds of interesting!
Glad you liked this post. I read your latest last night and was too tired to comment. I like to ‘do ‘em justice’ iffen you know what I mean. I look forward to your comment here whenever you recall it.
Write and drive? I don’t do that. Sometimes I wish I had some little recorder though.
“I would think there would be SO MANY other things you’d be thinking about.” Well, y’know we talked about my ADD tendencies – most of my driving is so routine that my mind flits all over the place!
I could NOT sit through an investment seminar. I know the capability of understanding is in my brain somewhere (I actually have a business degree!), but my mind blocks it all out. Actually, I could sit there. I’d just be thinking up comments for your blog the entire time.
Writing and driving – I try & wait for the stop lights. Really. And when I forget, Cassie usually pipes up about it being dangerous.
Jill: I know what you mean about tuning stuff out when it comes to investments. I had the brain-shutdown about investing in the past. Now it’s interesting so I’m able to absorb it better.
The presenter was pretty interesting – more about what investing had done to improve his life and the life of his family (gotta connect to the audience, right?) and overview of real estate investing terms. He ran it pretty well and kept us alert. Unfortunately, we were a bit of a low-key crowd.