Oct 07 2007
You Got Questions, Ms. Q Got Answers
Are you ready for another podcast are you still recovering from the last one?
I really had to think about how to answer the question posed by Urban Thought and in order not to sound stilted, I wrote some notes and am including it as a “transcript” below.
It’s not word-for-word of my podcast but it’s pretty close.
[transcript]
Hello. This is Ms. Q on an early Sunday afternoon. If you were paying attention, in my 2nd podcast I offered to answer – or attempt to answer – any questions left for me by my readers. Could be serious, could be silly, I’d give it my best shot with either a serious or possibly silly response.
This time around I’m not drinking wine. Surprise, surprise, huh? I don’t always…drink wine.
I’ve had my cups off coffee and am ready to answer one of the questions left by my readers. This question was submitted by Urban Thought who has a blog called Urban Observation.
His question: How can you love someone you don’t know?
His question is based on the fact that at the end of a 5-year relationship, the person told him that they didn’t know him yet during the entire relationship, they had told them they loved him.
I would certainly be confused but probably not as confused as the person who said this to him.
Answer:
The quick answer to his question is that all these years, the person who told him they loved him was loving the image they had of you. As you know, everything we see is an interpretation. We give an event its meaning. Everyone interprets their world differently. Our history, our upbringing, our past affects how we interpret any given event or person.
For example, lets say I am dating someone who doesn’t express himself that well. I may interpret this as his being “reserved” and that he’s “sensitive and deep.” I may see him as this cool, deep, sensitive guy.
Perhaps the reality is that he has nothing to say and is totally out of touch with his feelings.
In Urban Thought’s case, the answer may be that the person who said they loved him loved their projection of him.
When he didn’t live up to that expectation, when he didn’t match it, they “no longer knew him.”
Let’s look further into this love-of-image, this love of a projection.
In John Bradshaw’s book, “Creating Love” he speaks about being “mystified.”
What is mystification? This is what happens to children who are not loved for who the are – they are only loved when they are not being themselves.
Mystified children become mystified adults. Many times mystified adults are attracted to partners or even people who are similar to their Primary Caregiver (mother or father) or perhaps has the opposite personality. I am sure a few of you have heard how someone “married their mother” or is “Dating their father.”
What is happening is that they are subconsciously trying to recreate the family dynamic.
Mystified people tend to enter trance states. A sign of someone being in a trance is overreaction. For example, you’re out with your girlfriend and you’re discussing where to go for dinner. She wants Chinese, you want Italian. You’re OK with Chinese but she wants to go to this specific one but you think about traffic and time and everything and suggest some place more convenient and suddenly she become angry and says, “You never let me have what I want! It’s always what YOU want!”
What is happening is that many people don’t know who THEY are and when you don’t know yourself, it’s very difficult to have a true, that is, real adult-to-adult relationship. Sometimes if you have 2 mystified adults, no one is really interacting with their true partner, you have each other’s projections having a relationship! Pretty darn freaky, don’t you think?
Another answer to his question is that he may have indeed changed. Five years is a long time – many things can happen. It also depends on what time of life he had this relationship. Most people experience a lot of growth and change or at least ‘figuring things out’ in their 20s. Maybe he changed.
How about looking at it from the other side? Have you ever loved someone or thought you loved someone and realized, gee, they are not who I thought they were at all. Perhaps they were hiding something or perhaps you were hiding something from yourself.
Overall, the more self-aware you are, the more you are in touch with who YOU are, the better the relationships you will create. I am not sure how well this answered Urban Thought’s question but I hope it helps and gives the rest of you something to think about.
Two other readers left questions (one serious, one goofy) and I hope to get to them at some point! I am still unsure if I want to continue doing podcasts as I have to be well, “in the mood” and relatively alert!
Are you liking these podcasts? Again, please leave any questions you want to ask of me in the comments section.
Doesn’t have to be serious. For example…Speedcat Hollydale asked me, “If I had a cigar in the house…would that be wrong?”
My answer to Speedcat: You have to be more specific about the cigar. You say it’s in the house….what’s it doing in the house? What are you doing to the cigar? I mean, are you smoking it? Or is it just well, hanging out? What type of cigar is it?
I could go Freudian: Do you think it’s wrong to have a cigar in the house?
It all goes back to interpretation – the filter I mentioned earlier. Perhaps when Speedcat was merely Speedkitten, he accidentally burnt down Mr. and Mrs. Lego’s Lincoln Logs house when he substituted a lit cigar for one of the “logs.”
Speedcat now interprets a cigar as possibly “bad” or cigar + house = WRONG.
In my case I have no negative association with cigars. A cigar is … just a cigar.
Well, that wraps up this podcast. I hope you enjoyed it and again, leave your questions in the comments!
I hope you have a fantastic day and remember, you are whole, complete and perfect!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
When I started reading this page, I noticed a smart, special person behind the writing. I think blogs that share personal thoughts and opinions like “Q Musings” provoke self evaluation and awarness. A mix of candor with a splash of humor… sometimes a title wave!
I busted a gut here reading this post. I indeed had an incident with wild spreading fire in my folks back yard when I was 12. The horor of this memory prevents me from elaborating further…
Cigars hold a mystic and sureal quality to me. I like reading about them, love collecting them, and adore smoking a “thoroughbred” – so to speak. I own literally hundreds of of them from all corners of the globe. Usually the best are created in Cuba. This love is countered by a social stigma that cigars are horrid, stinky, and killers. Do you see my quandry? To make an example: You love a certain brilliant chef at a fine resturant. As a favor, he sends you an exclusive reservation. When you ask others to partake, they scoff and give you a lecture on how saturated fat killed their brother.
As this is running long (sorry) I will just say that, “I like your interpretation better!”
Ms. Q ROCKS!!!!!!! / Speedy
I listened to the first one, I think. Yeah.. I did! (I had to check)
I recently got ‘voted’ to put a voice only entry on my blog.. I guess this is a podcast. I am 27 and behind on technology, that’s not right.
I fully agree with your perception answer to Mr. Urban Guy Person, for that is right on the money. People see what they want to see, and not always what is there to see.
As for the cigar… hehehe. It is always just a cigar.
Speedcat! (always gotta add that exclamation – seems like it suits): Thank you for all the compliments! Whew! Plus great use of metaphor!
I’m glad you found the bit about the cigar funny. It’s weird but I did have the idea that you may have started a fire or been involved with one as a child. When that “vision” came up I wrote up the Lincoln Log bit.
My real “vision” involved those rockets boys can shoot off in the yard – I know a few men who did that as a child – boys do seem to like to see things explode and make loud noises. But that didn’t fit in with the house idea, what with being in the yard.
Hmm. I can see having a fascination and love of cigars if I think of them as wine lover. From what I’ve heard about the cigar rolling process and the various ways they can be cured and dried and flavored, it’s like what, the tobacco equivalence of wine? So I can appreciate your appreciation.
Unfortunately, I’m in the “wow, you enjoy eating cholesterol?” camp when it comes to your example about the fine restaurant. That’s a bit of my knee-jerk reaction to rich foods.
However, I would hope to not try to take away your enjoyment! It’s difficult to “keep your mouth shut” when it comes to seeing people do unhealthy things. But it’s also very judgmental and critical – like you said, a bit of a quandary! It all comes down to moderation – I just downed all sorts of cholesterol-rich meats yesterday at a friend’s annual BBQ. I look forward to eating all that and give myself permission to stuff myself. Whuf. I am still recovering. It is always soooo gooood. I rarely eat like that – either the types of food or the amount!
Anyway, if it’s your home and your kingdom (so to speak) I would think you should be able to clip (?) your cigar and smoke it, too!
Sue: I look forward to hearing your podcast. When it comes to technology, most people are behind on it! I only get up on it when I have to.
Sounds like you’ve had some experience with mis-perceptions!
Thank you Ms. Q.
I read your answer twice. Once when I was at home and the other now that I’m at work. You’ve answered my question with much depth. It will help me understand a some things.
As for Speedcats’s Cigar question: LOL… Wasn’t sure where you would go with it. But I like what came out of it.
UT: You gave me a serious question and I wanted to give you a serious answer. I do hope it helps you gain more understanding about relationships. I can’t say I am/have not been mystified!
I’m still trying to figure out why “I do the things I do”.
Speedcat is a pretty cool cat – under all his goofiness is one nice, thoughtful man! His blog is VERY whacky, lighthearted and fun. He’ll sneak in a more personal post every so often. Hidden gems!
I have a question for you:
Is it better to be honest when asked a question or should you just coach your answer so as not to hurt the asker’s feelings?
HMTKSteve: aaah…thanks for the multi-faceted difficult question! It’s on the list. It’s a good one. Will take some pondering.
I enjoy these podcasts and enjoyed your thoughts on the whole relationship, projection/image quagmire that many people have fallen victim to including myself. I was the one not living up to the “image.” The key is to realize it has nothing to do with you per se and it’s all about the other persons internal turmoil and their inability to deal with reality. It’s sad, really. I’m glad I’m not in that anymore and don’t want to be in it again. It was draining and aggravating.
Ricardo: I’m glad you’re enjoying my podcasts.
It’s great you recognized what was going on. Some people try to become the image due to a partner’s urgings (changing jobs, wearing different clothes, etc.)
It is very frustrating not to be “seen.” Frustrating, sad, and very invalidating.
….if the cigar does not need to be clipped , you are smoking the “wine equivelant” of BOONES FARM. So yes – I clip indeed.
Speedy @ Msq’s: {Comment reply section.
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PODCAST GOOD…..DO MORE!
Eric/Speedcat: thanks for my cigar education! I had no idea what all clipping was to a cigar. I always associate what I think of as “finger guillotines” with uh, “The Mob” although I think there are not only those little guillotines but special fat-bladed cigar clippers?
What little I know about cigars is from reading or perhaps chatting with cigar smokers. I did read one novel where the female protagonist is tracking down a clue and the clue is a cigar and the cigar is so rare that only one or 2 stores in this city would sell it and then she ends up finding this cigar shop with a smokers club and so I gain all manner (temporarily) of cigar factoids. The club is run by this older, outre ex-madame.
Glad you enjoyed the podcast! I will try to do more. Do you have any more questions??