Oct 11 2007
Stop Being So Nice
Do you consider yourself a nice person?
Nice. Good. Pleasant. Polite. Decent. Respectable. Agreeable. Pleasing. Socially acceptable. Virtuous.
I was raised to be nice.
Turned out that being nice was not that nice for me.
Do you think this is nice?
- You say yes but you want to say no.
- You remain quiet when you want to speak up.
- You deny whom you are to be liked.
Doesn’t sound that nice to me.
When I was younger, I think that the first adjective that came to mind when people met me was “She’s nice.” That’s no longer the case. I was agreeable. Passive. Sweet.
I know many nice people – meet them all the time. However, being nice isn’t their key attribute. I think this is a very good thing.
I know someone who everyone describes as nice. That’s his defining characteristic. Is he nice?
Well…he’s very agreeable. A better question would be is he happy being considered so nice?
He does many things that he doesn’t want to do. He has decade’s worth of NOs festering inside.
You want to be nice?
Be nice to yourself! Honor your wants, needs and desires. Honor yourself. Everyone else will benefit.
Would you rather be liked for being who you are or for being who you are not?
“You taught me to be nice, so that now I am so full of niceness, I have no sense of right or wrong, no sense of outrage, no passion.” – Garrison Keillor, “Lake Woebegone Days”
“Perhaps nothing is as soulless as pretending to be nice… But niceness does not mean that we agree with everyone to such a degree that there is on confrontation, no difference of opinion.” -John Bradshaw, “Creating Love”
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Oh very true. I learned long ago that it’s better to just speak up than to let the status quo stand strong. I think that goes against what a lot of people are taught to believe when growing up. A lot of people want others to just remain quiet and not make too much of a fuss.
How did this entry come about? Just thinking about those around you that are “nice.”
Derek! It’s great that you learned early to stand up for yourself. Many of us are taught “not to make waves.” It’s not necessarily our parents who teach us this, either. Sometimes we see someone getting punished for standing up for themselves from getting beat up to peer pressure (getting ostracized) to even being told by an authority figure, “Don’t talk back.”
I began this post hmm, maybe a month ago? I have a lot of ideas in the pile and this one started out as “Do you find me offensive?”
It came about when I decided to state my opinion more strongly than usual as a comment in another blog. There ended up being a bit of back-and-forth between me and another commenter. Nothing offensive occurred as in a point might be criticized but the person was not (no name calling!)
It got me thinking about what taking a stand meant and being nice and having an opinion.
Another reason behind this post was that many of the nice people I know are unassertive and have low self-esteem. I’m using “nice” in the “doesn’t know how to say no” type of meaning.
This doesn’t mean they aren’t actually nice. But they are being nice
at a cost to themselves. Sometimes nice people are so nice they have no idea who they are! Do you know anyone like that? They say, “Oh, whatever you want” or you ask them their opinion about something and they have nothing much to say.
In some ways nice people are a bit freaky. I always wonder at what is being supressed. I mean, haven’t you heard the “He was such a nice young man….” and what follows isn’t good news?
Eeee!
I’ve had people tell me NO in a nice way. I couldn’t argue it. Some people walk around thinking they are being nice. Not realizing the passiveness they are giving off. People who act this way are often considered pushovers.
I wrote about Mr. Nice Guy some time way back on my blog. Dude is no longer with us (he left for better opportunities). But he wasn’t passive at all. He just had a great demeanor.
Saying yes for the sake of being nice hasn’t been an issue of mine in some time. It gets to the point that some people consider me mean or difficult. I’d prefer that over being nice in terms of being considered a pushover.
UT: Yes, “Doormat” is another word I’ve heard for “pushover.”
I recall your Mr. Nice Guy post. Too bad he left. Those type of people can really make you feel good about the workplace.
I didn’t figure you for being “nice” as in a pushover!
Of course sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to (like a status report for work) but well, that’s part of the job and if you don’t want to do it, you can always quit.
When I was a kid, if I didn’t do something I was asked to (or told to!) was called “selfish.” That’s when you know that someone isn’t truly asking, they are expecting. There is the issue that when you’re a kid, you probably are being selfish! I read it takes a certain level of brain development to understand altruism and cooperation!
I agree with comments here. Short and sweet: Strong and Giving, not Weak and Agreeable Is there another word containing “eea”?
Eric “SpeedyCat”
Speedcat: Hmm. Meek and malleable?
I know “nice” is the kiss of death for a guy looking to win over women in the dating game but nice can also be a hazard in day to day life too. People will take advantage of it. You have to know when to dish it out and take it away. Build yourself a “nice switch” to protect yourself if it becomes an issue.
Ricardo: It does seem to be true that “nice guys finish last” when it comes to dating. I am not sure exactly why that is but think it has some primitive roots to it – like “nice” is associated with “weak” and the female hormones fire up when an alpha male is around – they want the DOER, the TAKER.
Speaking about kissing, women seem to find it sexier if the man leans in and takes a kiss on the first or early dates. I’ve spoken to men about this and successful ones (those who get dates) tell me that there is a certain window of time when you must make a move otherwise you end up as “a friend.”
The nice guys are waiting for permission and end up “befriended” as opposed to “boyfriended” or perhaps “bedded.”
I may be the “odd woman out” but most woman I’ve spoken to don’t want to make the first move. So they don’t ask for dates, they don’t kiss the guy first, they don’t call. Being pursued and fought over, that’s what makes a woman feel desired. One man told me that the key to success with women is to make them feel desired.