Nov 04 2007
Love: It’s Not About Doing, It’s About Allowing
I haven’t seen my mom in a while. Between spending more time with my dad and the trips to Seattle and needing some time for myself, it’d been several weeks.
Mom does try to push the ole guilt button but we both are able to laugh about it.
I needed to run an errand near her place and decided to drop by. She wasn’t home.
Hmm. I thought she might be out for a walk – the weather was warm, almost hot and I know she likes her daily walk.
I decided to wash my car. It needed it, especially after sitting outside in an offsite airport parking lot. I can’t wash my car at my complex so it’s either the carwash or mom’s!
An hour goes by. No mom.
Hmmm.
I wondered if she had gone out on a Match.com date without leaving me a message. I asked her to always tell me who, what, when and where when it came to online dating!
Mom is a critter of habit and she doesn’t like being alone when it gets dark. It was almost 5pm.
I check emails on her computer while waiting. She has this 19″ monitor and everything is configured for her extreme nearsightedness, which means that everything looks like I’m seeing things through a magnifying glass. I should be sitting about 3 feet away but then I couldn’t use the mouse.
Tick-tick-tick.
I’m getting hungry. I’m thinking that I may have to pack up and go but then the doorbell rings.
That’s my mom for you! She had seen my car in the driveway and rang her own doorbell.
She had this box of pizza and her gardening gloves. She didn’t look dressed for a date that was for sure.
Turned out she was out gallivanting at the neighborhood elementary school! They had posted flyers asking for help to plant trees and were offering pizza to the volunteers. Mom likes free food and she likes gardening…win-win!
She was only going to help out for an hour or so but then they offered muffins. She ended up staying several hours – until the very end. She took home something like 7 slices of pepperoni pizza and a muffin! She looked pretty happy.
She saw me and said, “Oh! If I’d known you were coming, I’d have come home earlier.”
I explained it was a last-minute decision and everything worked out for the best: She had fun, I washed my car and it was “all good.” Everything worked out.
Mom tends to regret and second-guess things and worries about “missing out” and I try to encourage her to believe that there is no missing out – there are always more good things coming and they don’t run out.
She thought about this and said, “Yeah! It all worked out!”
Mom looked very happy. She was wearing a floppy sunhat and had dirt under her nails. She had notes about the different types of trees they planted and she took lots of photos. I was very happy that she was getting out.
I asked her if she wants to go out to dinner and she’s up for that. She rarely turns down food! Plus, I am her “dear darling daughter” whom she wants to spend as much time with as possible. My granny used to call mom her “dear darling daughter.” The legacy continues.
We walked to our favorite Chinese restaurant and we both felt very relaxed. Gorgeous day, no stress, life was very good and it doesn’t take much to make it good.
We’re enjoying our dinner and Mom said, “Only 2 more weeks until my Match.com membership expires. I can hardly wait!”
Seems like she could use a break. Her last date wasn’t the best and the guy didn’t sound the nicest what with wanting her to have a drink and she doesn’t drink. He seemed a bit pushy about it.
Mom said, “I’ve learned to watch what they DO, instead of believing what they SAY.”
Good lesson to learn! Way to go, Mom!
She continued, “Dating is tiring. It’ll be good to go back to hibernating during the winter!”
Hibernating. That’s what mom calls the times when she’s not working on her personal development. Mom has her self-described “alphabet soup” of problems: OCD, ADHD, and learning Vista on her PC.
Mom and I are learning from each other. It’s inspiring to see her willing to face her fears. Each person’s fear is their own and to be respected. Facing a fear is to be applauded. Mom is very afraid.
I am, too. I just have different fears.
I watched her eating and just being…herself. She looked so happy I was happy.
I reached across the table and to hold her hands in mind. Her nails were still grimy with soil.
“I love you mom,” I said.
“Oh!” she said. “What did I do? What did I say?”
I released her hands and she placed one of her hands over her heart and rubbed.
I said to her, “Mom, you didn’t do anything, I just wanted to tell you I love you.”
She continued to rub the area over her heart. “I feel…warm here…it’s nice.”
I am the product of my parenting and I feel tenderness for her as well as myself. My mom believes that she has to do something, be something, has to follow a formula and maybe, just maybe, she’ll be loved. She doesn’t believe that she can be loved for just being herself.
I have a bit of a problem with this myself.
But I know that unconditional love and forgiveness of others heals me as well as lights my little corner of the universe.
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Hi MsQ,
thanks for sharing this.. I really, really love your stories about your mom. They are inspiring, in the life lessons that they contain, and heartwarming at the same time. It is beautiful to sense the love you feel for your mom from the way you write about her..
And yes.. so very true that most of us keep dreaming of that unconditional love.. and at the same time feel that it is not something that we deserve for just who we are…
Bless you for being able to explicitly state that to your mom!!!
Ellen
Awh. I love how you two interact and love each other, it’s precious! My mother never had a name for me, I was just always Susie. My dad, however, called me Butterball. I never asked why.
Ellen: I’m glad you’re enjoying the stories about my mom. My issues were a product of her issues and we’re both learning from each other. Forgiveness and acceptance for each other and ourselves are the lessons we must learn and are trying hard to! I hope she forgives herself.
I’ve read that it is people we find difficult to love are the ones who teach us and cause us to grow for usually they represent what we don’t accept in ourselves. My hope is that my mom blossoms and believes she is deserving of love and gains self-worth. I’d like her to be happy on that level and not look to others to “make” her happy.
Sue: I am actually a bit freaked at being called her “dear darling daughter” as she only started calling me that after her mom died. It’s like she began channeling my grandmother! She also began using all her father’s catchphrases after HE died. I am not a nickname type of person. No “sweetpea” or “pumpkin” or “peanut” or “halfpint” or “squirt” for me!
But yeah, my mom and I can have some good times and more these days than before now that she’s not so emotionally dependent on me. She’s becoming more of a mom, which is nice.
I am not so sure about “Butterball” – the 2 associations I have for that aren’t that great. So I don’t blame you for not asking!
I can never get enough of stories about your mother.
She sounds like most people I know when it comes to food. It has always been a great motivator for me (as long as it is something I can eat).
That dating thing is a crazy beast. I thought Match.com was the service that said if you don’t find someone in the first six months they will give you an extra six months. You think she take them up on their offer if they let her continue after hibernation?
“You are only ready to give love when you allow yourself to receive love.” Something someone once told me. You’ve just brought this full circle for me.
I *****L*****O*****V******E******** your mom!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, I think I might actually BE your mom…except I’d have to swap out gardening for drinking… And except for the online dating thing. I’m not very concerned about when the subscription runs out since I more or less only got on there long enough to give out my phone number to two guys. I can see where it would be ***TOTALLY EXHAUSTING*** to use it for more than short increments. Very sweet story! I call my kids sweet pea and woobey-berry, although both kids have requested that pumpkin pie be subbed for woobey-berry. Actually, my son sort of hates being called woobey berry. Or more to the point, hates it in public. Yeah. Can’t figure out why an almost ten year old would hate that! :-0 :-0 :-0 I rarely slip up though.
UT: I’m so happy you enjoy my posts about my mom! My mom is unique and now that I think about it, HER mom was pretty unique as well. My grandmother was a “doll doctor” and used to give porcelain dolls a “facelift” by repainting them and she was a whiz at sewing.
My mom likes to say that the artistic/creative side comes from her side of the family!
Yes, food is a great motivator. Mom loves sweets and anything that’s bad for you: pizza, cakes, cookies, high fat and high sugar are her faves. I’m not like her in this area, that’s for sure. But she does try to balance this with eating lots of fresh fruit, canned salmon and veggies.
One thing is that as much as mom loves food, she doesn’t have expensive food tastes. She’ll enjoy pricey food but it’s not about price. In fact she probably likes cheap food more than pricey food!
I forgot about the 6 months free offer that Match. com had. I dunno if I want to remind my mom about it as she’s tuckered out!
I know it is true about being ready to give love when you allow yourself to receive love. I love…but only to a point. I am working on the unconditional love and acceptance thing.
But there is another component to receiving love – you must love yourself first and know, KNOW that you are worthy and deserving of love. Then you will allow the love to flow to you and accept the love. From there you can love others so much more.
Jill: I’ll tell my mom that you love her! I’m sure she’ll appreciate it especially when she sees that you are a creative soul as well!
I don’t think you’re my mom. You’re more like my granny who liked young and um…edgy men. Granny smoke and drank and was actually an alcoholic. Not that I think you’re an alcoholic. Granny stopped drinking “cold turkey” around age 60.
“Woobey-berry”? Uhhhhhnnnggg. I can see why your son might not be too up on that nickname. Then again, I am not much up on nicknames!
Hey! I’m dating a guy who THINKS he’s old now!!!!!! He’s really only 6 years older than me (45), but I told him he “likes old people stuff”, ’cause his hairbrush looks like my grandfathers…
My brother says he “meets my high standards: He calls every day and he isn’t in jail.”
But later followed that up with, “You’re dating a SWEET guy?!?!? That’s what I always wanted for you, remember?!?!?!?”
I always love your mom when you post about her, even if I can’t meet her.
Jill: Ooooh. So is this guy officially your “boyfriend”?
He has a hairbrush? Huh. Very few men I’ve dated have even USED hairbrushes! Most have been comb-and-go and don’t even use a hairdryer. If anything, it was the facial hair (shaving) that took most of their time. My big thing is flossing. Good dental hygiene!
So he thinks he’s OLD? I’ve noticed that men do feel their age around 45. Unfortunately, there does seem to be a bit of age discrimination when it comes to work and I’ve been surprised at how sensitive men are about their age when they cross 45. Men seem less accepting of aging than women! That’s only been my experience.
Glad to know the guy you’re dating is sweet.
That is so sweet of YOU to write about loving my mom!
Y’know, I’ve resisted using those “boyfriend, girlfriend” words, perhaps bec. Laurie assured me that saying them pretty much resigns a person to heartbreak. But both our hearts seem to get shredded quite thoroughly regardless of semantics, so I’m thinking I can work my way there…
He on the other hand has been brandishing those words about without fear, as in “I watched my girlfriend down four beers last night while I nursed one…” (Well, I *had* to try out binge drinking in front of him just to make sure. He forgot to add 4 beers AND a cape cod.
) And, I guess that *is* what you call it when you’ve been seeing a guy three or four times a week for month…
I pawed through his wallet the other day and swooned at the library card I knew would be there, then had to explain our library card discussion…
Jill: That sounds all too familiar. When someone starts calling me boyfriend the whole dynamic of the relationship changes. Downhill from here is what I see. I’m not sure if it’s me putting those thoughts out in the universe or just the expectations and responsibility that come with the title.
Jill: yeah, the boyfriend/girlfriend thing has a lot of fears and longings and ISSUES wrapped up in them. Such loaded words!
It’s too bad that many people associated it with ownership or being owned or heartbreak or losing their identity.
Maybe you’re “IntiMates”? hahahaha! But I like the “friend” part so who knows. Your BOYFRIEND sounds very nice and accepting what with him teasing you (with what sounds like pride) in your beer-quaffing ability.
What is a cape cod?
Yeah, library card. Aaaaahmm, feeling a bit faint, yes indeedy. Does he have sculpted shoulders???
UT: Ouch! Sounds like you have been burned on the boyfriend front! I wish we didn’t have to dance around expressing affection or love.
Yes, the dynamic changes and I don’t think that it’s a bad thing. When I’m in a relationship when we do that “boyfriend-girlfriend” thing, I think it’s nice to be able to “take it for granted” that we’ll be there for each other or that we have a standing “date”
I’m not saying that we take each other for granted but it’s a level of trust – you know that person will be there for you.
I do think if we expect the bad, we’ll get it.
Now, can I ask you a very personal question? Do you have a library card???
I don’t like the terms “boyfriend/girlfriend.” So I shy away from it using it. I’ll call her my friend and if you cannot understand the context then it isn’t for you, is how I feel about it (speaking of the general public).
I had a library card. If I had to find it I can probably locate it a trunk with my high school stuff.
I don’t think we even have a library in my neighborhood.
UT: I thought you might have a library card ! You seem well read to me. Too bad if you don’t have a library near your home but I would think that you’d have a library near your work. I have a librarian friend and he has library cards from all over (surrounding towns AND out of state).
My library system is fantastic – I can put holds on books online and have them delivered to the branch of my choice. They email when the books arrive, it’s great.
Regarding the BF/GF thing – context is the thing! I have many male friends so saying ‘my friend’ isn’t always clear and not all couples are obviously coupled! Usually the issue is moot as no one is attracted to anyone. Usually someone will make it clear (either the man or the woman) by joking, “Oh, we’re only friends” or something.
In the city things are different. I’m walking distance from several libraries, one being the oldest in the city.
I live in a low income neighborhood. So they shut down what they feel people don’t use. Let me point out that they have cut funding each year. Changing the schedule of the libraries so much no one can keep up. Also, they don’t furnish them with updated book selections.
UT: Libraries in low-income areas are probably caught in a catch-22 situation – few people go and the ones that might can’t count on them and the funding is probably based on usage.
I also wonder if even using the library in a low-income/project/ghetto area is discouraged by the residents. I’ve heard how kids who study and want to improve their life tend to get dragged down by their peers.
Yeah well, he might as well be teasing me since I tease him mercilessly about the fact that he lives 10-15 miles out toward the suburbs. “I’m in hate with the suburbs,” I tell him. The other day I sent a postcard with a picture of the city on it joking about him needing a connecting flight…
A cape cod is like vodka & cranberry…don’t think there’s anything else, but I can never remember. I like to say it’s a great drink because you can ruin your liver & improve your urinary tract health all that the same time.
Here, you can decide for yourself on the shoulder thing…well, maybe you can’t because he’s not wearing the right kind of clothing. I’m not sure about sculpted, but he’s all kinds of cute, don’t you think?
Not sure if that will work or not.
Jill: whoops – been so busy I didn’t get back to responding! So he lives in the ‘burbs? Nothing wrong with the ‘burbs. I’m not a suburbanite but I heard the burbs are great for raising kids what with cul-de-sacs and suchlike.
Thanks for the Cape Cod description. It kinda sounds like a cosmopolitan which I used to drink but now pretty much stay away from the “hard stuff” like vodka or tequila or rum.
If you had inserted a link to his sculpted shoulders, it didn’t work….but I’m sure he’s all kinds of cute!
Thanks for sharing, you give insight to your own heart.
Speedy: you’re welcome. I do think that love is the ultimate balm, the cure for all the wounds of the world. If we loved ourselves, we could love others and we would feel worthy of love and when people feel worthy they don’t need to look for their self-worth in others or want to take (ego) their self worth by demeaning others.
My mom teaches me things.
Jill: I did tell my mom you loved her!! I also told her how much my readers loved stories about her. She said that that was nice and unlike “some people” she didn’t mind being written about or even having her photo posted.