Mar 13 2008
Ask the Right Question
If you loved me you would…
- Quit smoking.
- Stop drinking.
- Lose weight.
- Exercise.
- Stop hitting me.
- Spend more time with me.
- Do the dishes.
- Rub my feet.
- Stop cheating on me.
- Let me do things that I enjoy.
- Tell me I am beautiful.
Change the question.
If you loved yourself you would…
- Quit smoking.
- Stop drinking.
- Lose weight.
- Exercise.
- Stop hitting me.
- Spend more time with me.
- Stop cheating on me.
- Let me do things that I enjoy.
Change the question again.
If I loved myself I would…
- Stop believing I deserve to be hit.
- Spend more time with me.
- Stop cheating on me.
- Let me do things that I enjoy.
- Tell myself I am beautiful.
………………………………………….
It is funny how a matter or perspective can totally change something. A negative snide comment could very well have been a constructive one with a few changes. That definitely makes me want to take a few seconds to construct my phrases to say them in a way that I want them to be perceived.
Get out of my head.
That is beautiful. I was on the treadmill and bench pressing yesterday focused on those exact thoughts.
I like how you hit it from three angles. It’s great to see the contrast/perspectives laid out.
Derek: Yes! Perspective (via empathy) is a good way to figure out how to comment on something.
UT: Dang! We’ve had this happen so often we must have some type of connection! This idea came to me while *I* was on the treadmill this morning!
Most of us ask from others what we can only ask from ourselves. People make demands of others that are either impossible to satisfy or unfair. So many times the underlying request is, “Make me happy, make me feel loved.”
No one can truly make someone else happy or make them feel loved. Both come from within. Yet people look outside themselves over and over and over again.
Yes, a big chunk of turning 40 has been, “I’m going to stop trying to get people to act the way I wish they would, and I’m going to start doing stuff I like to do, just because I like to.”
And it has been a good thing, so far, although not without struggles.
No Need To Add … That Was Perfect!
Christine: Ah…it’s such a cliche because it’s so true..this “Turning 40 Thing” this “Mid-life Crisis Thing!”
Not that your comment sounds like a crisis – more like, “I’m too old to be doing this” or “I’m old enough to try this..” “Old” being your spiritual age.
Which is all my roundabout way of saying bravo to you for taking care of yourself and showing yourself some love! It can be a struggle – I love myself more and more but I don’t totally accept myself or others! I still judge and judging is so tiring…working on it..working on it. And yeah, I keep doing those affirmations!
Eric: Thanks!!!!!!
You know, I was thinking something similar recently about a friend. I always think that thing people always say about having to love yourself before you can love someone else is a bunch of baloney.
Because in reality, how many people really, truly love themselves in the way that that particular saying implies? So if you have to love yourself first and barely anyone loves themselves, then more or less no one is allowed to love anyone.
BUT I realized, in a way it is sort of a little bit true. Because a person that maybe doesn’t totally love themselves, but at least is fairly accepting of him or herself and at least doesn’t DISLIKE him or herself would describe themselves according to their strengths & then maybe get to a weakness or two. And that *must* be more attractive to a potential love interest.
I’m going to try out the turning forty thing in August. I hope there’s no midlife crisis involved!!!!!!!! Surely I must be over the midlife crisis part of turning 40 by now???????????????
Ms.Q who is slapping you around and getting fat on you? I’ll slap them silly. But seriously, you bring up a good point. All of these things stem from a hatred or disregard for oneself. Well put.
BTW…..
I’M BACK BABY!!!!
Jill: I think you can love others without loving yourself all that much but that love ends up being bound up with needs and expectations.
I’ve had people say they love me and they do love me. But some love feels warm and nice and some love feels needy. I have also loved people but my love was wrapped up in my own needs and expectations. Personally, the more I have become to love myself, the more loving and open I have become with others. I think when you love yourself, have some self-esteem and worth, you are less fearful to love others.
When it comes to strengths and weaknesses and self-love, yes, having someone acknowledge their weaknesses is very human and can be very attractive, especially if they aren’t beating themselves up about it.
Birthday in August?? Are you a Leo then??
I have had several emotional crises in my life and they weren’t fun but I’m glad that I went through them. If I had just curled up into a ball and hoped for rescue, I’d have missed out on many of the joys I have experienced.
Which is my way of saying that a mid-life crisis isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Ricardo: hahahaha! Thanks for wanting to protect me! I’ve never been involved with anyone who hit me or now that I think about it, gained weight while we were dating!
Glad to learn that you are back! Wheeee!
Ricardo – Too funny! And also glad you’re back!
Ms.Q – I’m a Virgo but close to the cusp and occasionally a Leo depending on where the date gets divided. I think I’ve had all the mid life crises I can tolerate. I used to chalk my divorce up to my ex husband having a midlife crisis and say I’d never date anyone who hadn’t already had one (bec. who wants to go through all THAT again?!?!?!). But then I dated the Christian who was younger and right before and after that a guy who was almost fifty and I’m not sure I could tell one from the other as far as likelihood to get a sudden urge to restructure their entire lives. Then again restructuring a life wouldn’t necessarily HAVE to be a death sentence for a relationship I suppose. What were we talking about again?!?!?!