Jul 28 2008
Life Is Not a Fairytale
Continuing my story about A Very Special Gift I received…
Mommy and Daddy separate and slowly, everything falls apart.
Lines are drawn.
Papers are filed.
Divorce. So much paperwork. So much pain.
I see Daddy every other weekend.
Daddy is angry and confused. In his world, he followed the rules – he worked hard, he got married, he had a child, he bought a home, and he paid all his bills.
In his world, if you follow the rules, you would become successful and you would be happy.
In Daddy’s world, doing your best is a given and there is always room for improvement.
Following the rules isn’t making Daddy happy.
Divorce is failure. Daddy did everything right so it must be all Mommy’s fault.
Daddy feels that he has lost everything. He feels that he has lost me to Mommy.
I want to be Daddy’s little girl again and I want him to be happy. I think that getting good grades will make him happy. I think that helping him around his apartment will make him happy.
I try following his rules. I get good grades, I’m considered mature for my age, I am quiet and well behaved.
I want to bask in his love and approval. Instead, I am told about the next goal, that there are higher rungs in the ladder of life.
Daddy is a Chinese immigrant. He struggles with English. Love can be expressed without words yet Daddy struggles with it as well.
By the time the battles are fought, the lawyers are paid and final judgments stamped and filed, I’m beginning high school.
He remarries. I don’t see him as often.
I wander around lost and unsure of what to do with my life.
Years go by. Some years I barely see my father. We live in the same city and I barely see him.
Despite everything, I know that he will always be there. He’s that kind of father. If I’m in trouble, he’ll be right there.
I slowly move forward with my life. I graduate college. He seems proud but all I can recall is his pointing out the next achievement.
I remember when I bought my car. My first big purchase. I handled everything: loan, down payment, and negotiation. I was pretty proud of myself.
I drive to his place. I show him my car. He doesn’t look particularly excited.
He says, “Now you can buy a house.”
More years go by. I barely see him. It was after one visit that I wondered why I always felt so sad afterwards.
I realized that I was disappointed. All these years I kept expecting him to tell me how much he loved me, how proud he was of me.
Every time I saw him I was hoping that this time, things would be different. I had no idea of this secret hope.
But now, I was tired. I was tired of trying.
So I stopped. It was time for me to move on.
As you can see, this is a very personal story.
It’s been difficult to tell not because of it being painful but because there are so many ways to tell it.
I want this to be a story about love and hope and forgiveness, not one of blame.
And so it shall be.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
And so it is…
I feel you… I feel you…
Life is so hard sometimes as a child looking for approval from your parents. You think you’re doing enough and it is never enough. You think you are going to get that hug or that pat on the back and all you get is a “what next?” or “is that all you got?”
I’m all for pushing someone to the next level but can we get a “great work” or “you’ve accomplished so much. I’m proud of you.”
I can relate to this on some levels.
Thanks for sharing such a personal part of your life. While it definitely must have been tough to go through, it seems like you’ve come to grips with it for the most part. And I’m glad for that!
Incidentally, I can’t decide if this is amazing or creepy…probably both. But all those google ad things come up with stuff like “Affordable Houston divorces” for this piece!
UT: Parents or whoever are your “primary caregivers” have such an influence in your life. I think that’s why I have no big desire for children – it’s humbling and scary to know how much of an affect you can have on someone’s life.
It’s taken me a while to learn expressing appreciation and encouragement but “looking for the good” as you say, it’s become a part of who I am. People blossom when appreciated and encouraged. Everyone needs appreciation.
Sue: Urk!
Derek: I think life is about learning and growing and that the lessons we learn are futhering our pursuit of joy. I’m sharing my story because it’s very common yet so many who share it don’t realize it. I had no idea that what I went through and how I responded is practically straight out of some psychology book on families! I’ve read a lot of books by John Bradshaw!
I am glad to have learned and “come to grips” with my history. It’s the past and in contrasting what I had then and what I have now and who I was then with who I am now…I couldn’t be who I am not without experiencing what I did then. I think I read something about how Lance Armstrong would not have changed his having cancer – it changed his life in a positive way.
I know I have yet more lessons to learn. Sometimes I get this odd sense of timelessness.
Jill (part 1): don’t worry, happy stuff is a-coming!
Jill (part 2): I gather the way the google ads work is it takes keywords (like ‘divorce’) and uses your location (based on IP address) and can target ads that way. I see some whacked ads on my own site but I can’t click on them myself. It was funny to see all these ads for “panties” when I wrote about granny panties!
This is very touching and makes me a little sad. I’m not very good with stories involving children in unhappy situations — apparently that carries over to when the child is an adult and reminiscing.
(I’ve recently heard two stories about my dad when he was little that makes me sad. He’s 73, healthy, and well adjusted at this point in his life.)
Truth: Life is messy, and trying to plan your future is futile.
What to do?? I think your “best” comes to mind. A strong locomotive with the ability to switch tracks easily.
I see a trend in your writting that gravitates to this issue, and circles around acceptance and love. I wish I had the magical words to make sunlight pierce your soul and release hurt and inhibition … alas, I may be reading them at this very moment as you delve into core emotions here at QMusings.
I think quite a bit after reading your posts – you seem to pack a lot of charge into a small space.
Also, I am guessing you have been smootching a lot !!!!!!! Any hot romantic posts in the wings??
Blowing a kiss at you as I go back to Hollydale!!
Happy weekend Ms Q
… oh, what is the source of the photo??? (jus wondren`)
delmer: I’m not very good with stories involving children in unhappy situations – I’ve been there! I heard some statistic that said it takes 7 generations to “clear” a dysfunctional upbringing – that is, if each generation works on dealing with the issue instead of passing on the pain. So if a child was raised with alcoholic parents (or enabler/codependent type of parents) the child would have to break free of the cycle by not becoming alcoholic or some offshoot of that (like hating alcohol) and so on. 7 generations seems a bit much but I think about how much effort it has taken me to work through things.
The concept of “inner child” and “wounded inner child” is a powerful one – knowing that someone, especially someone you love, has gone through something painful as a child, it IS sad. When I think of children I think of this trust they have when they come into the world, that innocence. Everyone should get the love they deserve!
Speedy (part 1) !! Life is messy? But messes can be fun! Or so I’m learning – which goes with the idea that trying to plan for your future is futile. Sure you can plan but be flexible and willing to go with the flow. Sometimes what we *think* we want and plan for isn’t what will make us happy.
Yes, love and acceptance are core to how I try to live my life these days. Sunlight has pierced my soul (beautiful image!).
“I think quite a bit after reading your posts – you seem to pack a lot of charge into a small space.”
Thanks! I’m glad that I am giving you “something to think about” which is the tagline of my blog. I also like to think of myself as packing a lot of charge in a small space
… I like to think that if I were a food, particularly if I were a candy, I’d be an Altoid. I think you recall that post or the comments I wrote about what food I’d be.
Regarding smooching…I WISH. But even if I were doing a MESS (fun!) O’ Smoochin’, I wouldn’t be writing about it in a post.
Although I can see why you might think I have been smooching a lot if you’ve read some comments I’ve left elsewhere and then there is the fact that I haven’t been posting as often as I used to. I noticed (hehehe) Jill’s posting went down a bit once she started dating The-Man-Who-Knows-A-Song-About-A-Chicken (or something like that). Gotta tease her a bit.
Thanks for the kiss – lotta whiskers! Ticklish!
Speedy (part 2) !!: The photo was taken in Venice about 9 years ago. Yes, that is me! Thanks for asking – I wondered if anyone would wonder at its “provenance.”
Yep … it was the shoes!
Great picture. It shows your journey to “everywhere” Life Avenue.
Speedy!! The shoes?! Hahaha!! Funny you should mention them as I still have those shoes (waterproof LL Bean leather ankle laceup boots) AND I am pretty sure I still have those jeans. I still FIT into those jeans – a recent feat that astounds and amazes me.
One of the many things I learned on that trip was not to take jeans on an international trip where laundry facilities may be spotty. Jeans are HEAVY and take a long time to dry.