Oct 27 2008
Lies, Damn Lies And Online Dating
Speak to a few married folks and many will say that they are afraid to date, that the idea of having to date, find dates, anything to do with dating, is enough to keep them married.
Huh.
What really freaks ‘em out is the idea of online dating.
They are affwaid.
Vewwy vewwy afwaid.
They have a right to be afraid.
Here are 2 cautionary tales.
Tale One: You’re Too Short
I’m logged into the dating site and the Chat window pops up. It takes a while to load so I can’t tell who’s trying to initiate a chat with me.
When I finally see who’s trying to contact me and quickly check out his profile, I realize that hmm, not my type.
46 years old and not too active looking.
Actually, not too 46-year-old looking.
Chat Guy: Hi
Ms. Q: Uh…hi. [Yes, I do write ums and uhs in chat windows]
Chat Guy: Good evening.
Ms. Q [a bit dumbfounded, this is my first chat thing]: Hi.
[Pause..pause..pause]
Chat Guy: Hello?
Ms. Q [thinking of just closing the window and logging off] Umm.. I’m sorry but I don’t think we’re a match.
Chat Guy: [pause] You’re right.
Ms. Q: [finding this funny and starting to type]
Chat Guy: [pause] You’re too short.
Ms. Q: [at this point I'm still finding this funny, kinda like a fish - too small]
Chat Guy: My ex-wife was short and I didn’t like her.
Ms. Q: [Ewwwww! Closes window]
Tale Two: Next Year We’ll be the Same Age
I had a few very hopeful dates with someone over the summer. But hope died a-borning.
I recently checked out Mr. Summer of No Love and saw that he hadn’t logged on in a couple of weeks.
Hmm. No, I’m not a stalker type but I AM curious.
Then I looked at his age – 46 years old.
Weird. I cudda sworn he was 5 years older than I, making him 48.
I knew he recently had a birthday which would make him 49.
I had a copy of his profile and sure enough, he was 48 when we went out.
At this rate, we’ll be the same age at his next birthday.
Which all goes back to some conversation I had with a friend.
I had expressed surprise at how, well, how much older the men online looked when compared to my friends of the same age.
The friend said, “They are lying about their age.”
I felt so ignorant!
Men have told me that women will lie about their age on dating sites. I had no idea that men would feel the need, too.
Age. People say, “It’s only a number.”
Some people divide that number by 7. Others subtract by 3.
Ricardo: I know you’re thinking about Online Dating. If anything, this stuff pretty much writes itself!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I’ve seen people online who look a lot older than people I know of the same age. It never occurred to me they’d lie about their ages — I just assumed too much sun, a rough life, or perhaps they were pro wrestlers before settling down.
Lying makes more sense.
But what is the point? There is a time when the real age will have to come out.
And “too short?” At least he qualified it with “my wife was short and I didn’t like her.” Had he considered his wife was a woman … as are you. I mean, if we’re going to make oddball comparisons, let’s go all the way (the Raspberries would want you to).
I type “um” and “ah” in chats as well … and on my blog.
(BTW, I’ve also seen pics of people I graduated that have left me wondering, “what the hell happened to you … do I look that old?”
delmer: I thought the same as you – that the older-looking people were “rode hard and put away wet.” Always liked that expression.
I also got the aha! when told that people were lying.
Even if you looked younger, why lie?
The Chat Guy pretty much responded with a “nyah-nyah-nyah” He looked about 53 years old and acted about 6. Yeesh.
I can’t tell how old I look anymore. I pretty much think I look my age but every so often and in good lighting, too I’ll get the “Oh! I thought you were like, 33-35..”
Then I wonder if I look older than my age what with how few men my age are contacting me. I’ve read some great profiles, though – one guy, 47 wrote something about “if you’re under 30, please don’t contact me. I’m flattered but…”
Haha I guess you never run out of interesting stories to tell about online dating, huh? It sounds like a world of interesting characters.
Anyways, I’m reminded of my age being just a number post.
One of my former friends would lie about his age all the time. He said the people that he felt attracted to would not want him because he was older. He looks ten years younger than his actual age but you know how people feel about older people. They shy away from them. So he would lie about it. I told him there is no point in telling tales about your age because at some point its going to come out.
But yes, men are insecure about their age as well.
Now for the too short… I don’t see how a woman can be too short for any man. But of course, this is coming from a tall dude. Everyone is some kinda short compared to me.
Dude needs to get over himself though.
U- Oh.
Is this what I really have to look forward too?
Please tell me a funny story dating or HAPPY dating story soon!
Derek: I read your post and tried to comment but got an error. Sigh! But yeah, online dating stories, heck, any dating stories are pretty much “easy pickings” when it comes to stories!
UT: I know one guy who also lies about his age by 10 years. Yes, he does look 10 years younger but I feel that lying takes the decision away from the the other person. One man outside my age range contacted me. 12 years older. He was really wonderful and in great shape for his age but the reality was that for me, he was just too old.
I have come to learn that men do feel insecure about their age and some get angry about it! I’m not sure but I’m guessing that these same men might see nothing wrong with not dating a woman because she was “too old.”
The too short thing? The guy was 5′8″ which is considered short by colorless standards. I’ve dated tall men 6′2″ at the tallest and dang, that is just too tall for me. I’m OK with it but 5′9-6′ is probably optimal and for “don’t they look cute together” – 5′7″
The dude was immature.
Meleah: I’m not sure if you have this to look forward to. We’re in different demographics. However, I suspect that stuff like this comes with the territory.
I don’t have plans to write about any of my actual dates except maybe at some point to tell you all that The Search Is Over!! By the time I get to an actual date, usually we both have a nice time. May not lead anywhere but usually we like each other as people.
I don’t have many dates but quality is much better than quantity.
This online pre-date whackiness insures that there will be no date and no time or money wasted!
For me, lying under any circumstances is a deal breaker.
I gotta tell you that I am so entertained by your posts about these online dating experiences…it takes me back to when I did it. I had many of the same kinds of crazy experiences. It’s scary out there.
Oh well. I think after the holiday I am going to give it a shot anyway.
Ginger: I’m not sure if any lying would be a deal breaker but I can’t think of anything (a lie I’d be OK with) right off the top of my head.
I do think lying about age, height, and marital status are deal-breakers.
Lying about age and height shows a lack of self-acceptance that I’d rather avoid. One guy emailed me and his stated height was 5′4″ – that’s pretty darn short for a guy. But he seemed very relaxed, spiritual and accepting. Now THAT is attractive to me!
Some “lies” are more like delusions or perhaps justifications – some men will put their body type as “athletic” but their photos show some extra poundage. But, they may actually be athletic just not look it. So..I dunno. But I think of athletic as someone who’s both fit and skilled at some sport or activity. So I think these men aren’t trying to lie per se – their photos show the truth so my guess is that they have a different idea of what athletic is than I do.
I’m glad you’re enjoying my posts about dating. I hadn’t planned to write much about it but some of the stuff is so whacky! Online dating exaggerates or perhaps, makes whacky behaviour more obvious in people. Like that “Too Short” guy – I mean, if I met him in person, it may have taken me a while to figure out he had ex-wife ISSUES.
meleah: good for you! It’s funnier to write about these whacky episodes but I have had very pleasant dates with very nice men and it ended with an “Oh well” on both sides.
What I have noticed is that I get along with men who are comfortable with writing and they seem more thoughtful and self-aware and kind and patient. When I get the basic quick notes it seems to reflect the type of communication the man does in real life. Not that all men have to be able to write – everyone has their preferred way to communicate (some men are better with talking). But in my case, I seem to connect with men who can write.
SO…you may end up having several long emails and if you decide to meet, you’ll have a decent idea of how it will go.
I’m thinking back to all my dates with cut-to-the-chase type of men and hmmm…no connection either way when we finally did meet.
You’re a wonderful person. You deserve to have a wonderful partner!! It can be difficult to keep up the esteem and be positive – I get bummed at times. But I try not to email or respond to men from a “needy” emotional state.
Wait! I’m confused! I thought I posted a comment to this one?
Jill: yes you did comment! But I moved my blog to a new server and I made a backup 2 weeks ago so everyone’s comments since then are not here.
I’m just now coming back to this now that I see that you’re back up and running. You mentioned that you tried to leave a comment but you received an error. I actually think that it just went into the moderation queue because the post had comments timed out (a spam-preventive measure). Sorry about that!
I don’t need no stinking online dating. LOL!
Derek: you have timeout set on your comments? Huh. Well..now I know!
Ricardo: hehehehe!