Nov 20 2008
Players
“I’m not a player, ” he writes.
I hadn’t even thought about this, not really, not as it pertained to my heart.
But it did get me thinking about “players” and who they are in the world of dating.
Players. A term I’ve only heard associated with men. I’m sure there are women players but there’s probably another word and it’s probably derogatory. Not that player is all that great a term but it does have a bit of bad-boy heart breaker allure to it.
Players. Men who just want to play, play with your body, toy with your heart and in the end, it’s usually the woman who isn’t having any fun.
But what about men who are up front, honest about what they want, state in their online dating profile that they’re looking for some…action.
Are they players?
I don’t think so. In my mind, they aren’t playing – they aren’t playing games. They aren’t saying they are available, they aren’t promising that there is anything more that mutual physical pleasure, they aren’t lying.
They state what they want and what they are willing to give and they leave it up to the woman to decide.
I’ve heard that such men receive angry emails. I don’t see wasting my time sending them (or anyone) some angry email.
Save your anger for the man who takes off his wedding ring and asks you out.
Sure it may feel insulting to be asked for nothing but sex but no one is leading anyone anywhere. You can simply walk away.
So no, I don’t think men who state that all they want is to play…players. They aren’t playing with a woman’s heart. It’s up to her to decide if she’s in the game.
Now, a woman may play her own (mind) games, convincing herself that she may be the woman to change the man’s heart.
Uh..huh.
My advice would be save some time: skip the heartbreak, buy a pint or 3 of your favorite ice cream and eat it directly out of the carton until nothing is left.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Yeah, my brother used to call one guy I dated “the straight shooter” because really, he was totally straightforward about what he wanted. I mean, I still ended up feeling sort of stupid in the end, but not anywhere NEAR as stupid as when I felt tricked/led to believe there might be more.
Jill: I can see feeling stupid when it comes to dating. Stupid and dating usually go together. But I’d rather feel stupid about my choices than TRICKED. Luckily, I’m not generally a player-magnet. I’ll get the straightup approach.
I have recently become friends with a couple straight shooters–and I have to say that I respect them for their honesty and self-awareness, and they seem to attract women who are interested in what they have to offer.
Definitely beats the hell out of guys who swear they want more than they do, and then act shocked when you hold them to their word.
I have learned in my own experience anyone who says they are NOT a player? IS most definitely a player.
Uh..huh, indeed. Certainly we all know that these types of scenarios can be a bit more complicated than they appears on the surface. No relationship–even a casual sex situation is ever just cut and dry.
For instance, if a guy tells you up front he is not up for anything more than a fling, but then things get a little more involved than either of you had anticipated. The guy perceives that things are status quo, while the girl perceives things have gotten deeper (because from all appearances the guy seems to be heading that way). This leads to each party having different expectations from each other.
That’s when things can get a bit hairy to put it mildly. That’s also why if you find yourself in such a situation it is so incredibly important to continue to keep the dialog open…that will help to avoid miscommunication and misunderstanding…then you won’t find yourself feeling like you’ve been played and he won’t feel like he’s been falsely accused of being a player…and all will be well with the world.
Or…I like your idea…have a few pints of Ben & Jerry’s and call it a day.
Christine: Being honest about what you want sure helps with keeping everyone in a relationship happy! And yeah, there are women who “just want some fun.”
I respect people’s choices.
Meleah: I admit that reading, “I am not a player” made me think..yeah, right. But this came after a lot of emails. I didn’t get the impression that he was one but then maybe he was a very good player!
But over all, he didn’t seem like one and as business owner and part-time parent, I can’t see when he’d have much time to play.
Ginger: Yes, expectations can change when the situation changes and some people are great with being totally present (such is their charisma) when with you but when you’re out of sight…out of mind (and heart). So it’s best to really keep in mind the original “deal” whatever it is.
…some people are great with being totally present (such is their charisma) when with you but when you’re out of site…out of mind (and heart). So it’s best to really keep in mind the original “deal” whatever it is.
MsQ, I call “Bingo!”
Excellent point. Something I have pledged to keep in mind in the unlikely event I ever allow a man more than a passing glance again.
I think the “key” is whether someone is looking for marriage not. The term relationship is just to un-fixated.
For instance, when I was younger, I wanted to date … meet new women, enjoy doing things together. It had NOTHING to do with a quick one night escapade. The difference was where my future goals were directed. I was in a serious “relationship” … there is that word again, when I was 18 – 21. After finding that our personalities were not close enough for a lifetime commitment, I just wanted to be free for a while.
My thoughts after hearing the experiences of others that use on line dating are that most profiles are loaded in a way that drops a mirage of true identity. Not surprising really.
Do they have dating sites that have a group of “looking for marriage” people?
Maybe that sounds too bold as an introduction, but at least it serves intention.
On the flip side of this issue … I have seen countless women that claim to be happy in marriage, and in life, go all “ga ga” over a good looking guy with money, and just throw themselves at them. Women that I could never imagine doing such a thing!
The highway of love is a dangerous place to travel. Better to take a Sunday drive in a small town.
I am oddly different. I always have started right off the bat explaining my flaws, and letting my inner personality show through my outer skin. I think many sugar coat in the early stages of a “relationship” by putting their best foot forward, and masking who they really are in the name of attraction.
Example: You meet someone for breakfast that claims be up at 5:00 AM every day and ready to take on the world; go running, biking, and / or social events, etc etc …
After a month goes by, you realize they are still rummaging around the house at 10:00 AM on all their days off, and have no plans what-so-ever of doing all the things that you do.
Players? I don’t think they are a “kind” of person. I think they are just liers.
BTW … the correct term is playa ((ha haaaaa!!!!))
This topic would make a great post question.
“If you were describe yourself for a dating site profile, what words would you use?”
Here’s mine
Hard working blog addict with alcoholic past has metamorphasized into new, positive, happy, and light hearted hugger. Grizzly outside, jelly-like inside. Friends with everyone until given a reason not to be. Painfully honest .. even when you do not want to hear the truth. Realist with optimism, and also an understanding that life is never a merry go round of laughter 24 hours a day. Player
Just kiding on the last part … (laughing)
Did you know the King of Hearts is also known as the “King of Snee”?? I learned that from a Bob Newheart Show. He had a great “relationship” with Carol. Use that in your next poker game! Do you play?
Many card games I have been in ended up with, “We are never inviting you again”. I make up rediculous games when I am the dealer, and usually win. Poker players that take the game seriously hate that !!!!!!!!!
If I was a card, I would be the 2 of clubs.
I wish you would junk the comment moderation too … I don’t like it!
J/K
Going kilt shopping tonight … wanna come along???
Eric: I hadn’t heard about the “King of Snee”, but did you know that’s also the Suicide King? (It’s from him seeming stabbing himself in the head with his sword.)
MsQ: Interesting choice of picture there with the Suicide King. Was that serendipity? Or did you know about the Suicide King? If you’re in a mind for poker references, I would have thought one-eyed jacks (since they get called as wild often enough) would have been appropriate as well.
And what of the women who mask their player intentions by saying they are out for something “serious” and “meaningful” so they can get around the “slut” designation? The situation sucks for women to be players. but they are out there. Trust me.
I have always found it fascinating that women want honesty from a man and when these men are clearly transparent with their needs, they are attacked. This is why I no longer get into my intentions or what I want from a woman because no matter what, it’s the wrong answer. So my answer is no answer. I have nothing to say on the issue unless I know her well enough and can trust her. But she is usually just a friend at that point and nothing will likely happen between us.
Whatever the case I can’t be bothered with the brain damage.
Speedy!! (part 1) Thanks for such a great comment and for correcting my on the term. You’re right – it’s “Playa” hahahahaha! I’d totall forgotten that.
I like how you define the “key” to a relationship as whether our not someone is looking for marriage. There is a difference! I know a few men who are looking for a long-term relationship but not marriage. These aren’t playas at all, just don’t want marriage!
I think there are dating site specifically for people who are looking to get married. Heck there are probably dating sites that cover every combination. I’ve seen ads flash by and there is something for everyone (or so it seems).
Dating sites do allow people to come up with a facade or mirage as you call it. Much easier when you have the time to come up (and possible photoshop) with a good profile or photos from high school. Not that many people go to any significant lengths to put together a good profile.
Regarding the “happily married” woman who goes gaga. Huh. People always have a bit of the “grass is greener” thing going on and women seems to fall prey to the idea to romantic images (money, looks, being ’swept away’). “Regular guys” can’t compete with these fantasies – the good looking guy with money may indeed be good looking and have money but the “relationship’ is probably built on fantasy.
Yes you are oddly different! Which makes you so chock full o’ beard goodness!! Had to use that here somewhere.
I like your “profile”! I’m sure you’d get many a date or email if you were looking fer love.
I had no idea on the King of Hearts being the King of Snee. Gotta google. I play poker but not much at all. I don’t play any games, not much into them.
Speedy!! (part 2): Sorry on the comment moderation. Gotta have it. Sorry I missed out on kilt shopping. That wudda been tons of fun, ’specially if Olga came along!! Olga in a kilt! hehehehe!
ack: I’d heard of “Suicide King” but forgotten it. I was thinking of card games (players) and “King of Hearts” not so much one-eyed jacks but I can see how that would work, too.
Ricardo: Slut sounds more derogatory than “playa” (to use Speedy’s update) although there is the sexier sounding “cougar” for woman who “prey” on younger men and only want to play. But in the cougar case, the idea seems to be that the younger men are most willing prey. So..no false advertising. I’ll take your word that there are female playas out there. I’m sure there are!
Yeah, men do get penalized/shot down/raked over the coals/excoriated for being honest about their intentions. I’ve heard from a few men that as soon as they open themselves up, the women go for the kill. By opening up, I mean being honest. Even, “I think I”m falling in love with you.” and put a target on a man. But unfortunately, you know all about the brain damage!
“I think I”m falling in love with you.”
You will never hear me say something that stupid. EVER! It will get you killed. LOL!
Ricardo: Yep. Pert much “dead man walking.” Which is too bad. I’m the type of gal who hears the stories from nice men (granted it’s there side of the story) and some of the responses that women have to things …eeek!
The better wording for me is…
“I am succumbing to her poisons ” as opposed to “I think I’m falling in love”
Ricardo: eeeek! but kinda poetic.
I think it’s quality stuff and dramatic.
Ricardo: I agree. I was “eeeking” about the belief behind it and admiring the yes, dramatic imagery.