Oct 02 2006
Learning How To Say No
One of the most difficult lessons I learned was how to say “No.”
As a child, when I didn’t want to do something, I was told that I was “selfish” and I had to “think of others.”
Granted, children are by their very natures The Center Of The Universe. For their first few years of life, all attention is focused on them.
At some point, parents must teach their children the joys of sharing and cooperation.
Unfortunately, when it came to learning about sharing and cooperation, I only got it half right.
I wanted to be liked and you have to be nice to be liked and being nice was saying Yes.
Can you say, “Low Self Esteem?”
Then I started to feel guilty if I put myself first.
Luckily, I had friends that cared and gave me a few metaphorical slaps upside the head and I learned how to say NO.
When asked for a favor, a request, whatever, ask yourself:
- Do I really want to do this?
- Is the request reasonable?
- Is the person asking me respectful? That is, does the person value my time as much as I value it?
- Did the request start out with, “It’s just…”
- Will I feel good if I do this?
- Is the person attempting emotional blackmail? (”I won’t like you if you don’t do this for me.”)
- Do I really want to do this?
The last question is a repeat as it really boils down to: Do you really want to do whatever is being asked?
Yes, I still do things that I don’t really want to do, but I never feel USED. Sometimes doing things you don’t want to do, like helping someone move, is something you would never want to do, EVEN FOR YOURSELF. But you just do it. You’re doing it because you know how difficult it would be if you were in the same situation and needed help. You’re doing it because you care.
When you learn how to say no, you are respecting yourself. Your needs are just as important as someone else’s. As soon as some prefaces a request with, “It’s only” or “It’s just,” BEWARE. They are not valuing your time. It’s not up to them to define what is ONLY or JUST for you. Only you can define it.
When you say no you are also respecting the other person. You aren’t begrudging. You are willing.
It took me a long time to learn to say no. People were used to my saying yes. I gained more respect from the people that cared for me. The rest? They either stopped asking for help or they just drifted out of my life.
When I learned to say No, I was saying Yes to myself.