QMusings

Let’s discuss…mens’ butts.

I need a new research project. As you know, all my research projects begin with a glass of red wine.

You may also recall that my research is not based on fact. My research is based on a teetering pile of anecdotes, false memories and the occasional fact.

I have many research methods. I will describe 2: Extrapolation and Positing.

Extrapolation requires a cabernet.

Positing requires a Shiraz. Or is that syrah. I always get those 2 confused.

I am highly methodical. I will first posit.

Posit: to propose as an explanation: SUGGEST

I will first posit the reasoning behind Really Old Guys’ decisions to Cinch.

I will then extrapolate as to Why They Hitch.

Extrapolate: to project, extend, or expand (known data or experience) into an area not known or experienced so as to arrive at a usually conjectural knowledge of the unknown area

I will then conclude as to why the back pockets of mens’ pants get emptier over time. It’s a linear progression, or regression as the case may be.

You are welcome to posit or extrapolate with me.

My research started a very long time ago. Back when I was a little girl. Misty memories and all that.

I’d see the backsides of my grandpa (A Really Old Guy) or men in their 40s (Old Guys) and wonder at how their back pockets could look so empty. Course the Old Guys don’t seem that old now.

But back..to backsides. You have a different perspective when you’re maybe 5 years old and have sightline around 45 inches.

Kids wonder about a lot of things. Sometimes with frightening intensity.

When it comes to pants, Really Old Guys are presented with 2 choices: The Cinch or The Hitch.

I posit that the decision to cinch is ego-based. A cincher wants to state that he still wears the same sized pants. This implies that that he has not gained weight. This implication may be true. Perhaps the poundage is distributed differently. If false, you may not actually see the front of the waistband as it is probably buried under the fatty overhang.

Hence my term “The Cinch”. Cinch: 1 : a girth for a pack or saddle 2 : a tight grip

I now move onto my extrapolation. Good timing as I am sipping the last of my Shiraz.

We’ve all seen The Old Man’s Hitch. This may be redundant as I don’t really recall seeing The Hitch on any man under the age of 60, maybe even 65. The Hitch is when the top of the pants is ABOVE the waist. Men wear pants at the hip. When they wear pants at the waist, it looks a bit off. When they wear pants above the waist, it looks even more off.

Ms. Q Extrapolations:

* Hitchers no longer care what other people think of them. This is based on the fact that the older I get, the less I care about what other people think of me. I know that I am neither male nor really old, but I think my reasoning is sound.

* Fixed income. They cannot afford new pants so hitch-and-belt at the location where the pants can stay up. This is generally above the belly.

* Convenience. They’d rather just Live The Hitch instead of buckling under the belly and having to physically hitch up their pants throughout the day. Personally, I’d rather have The Hitch than The Buttcrack.

* They believe that The Hitch is visually slimming; all that material is lengthening.

* Comfort. It feels better to have the pants above the belly than to be digging INTO the belly.

So ends the extrapolation portion of the research. I can now Form A Conclusion.

Conclusions require a more fortified beverage. Since I’m on the topic of mens’ buttocks, I think a port is appropriate.

Conclude: 1: to bring to an end especially in a particular way or with a particular action 2: to reach as a logically necessary end by reasoning 3: to form a final judgment

I conclude that the reason why the back pockets on the pants of OGs and ROGs look so empty is atrophy.

Atrophy: decrease in size or wasting away of a body part or tissue

Where once the bottom of back pockets might curve softly around the buttocks, there is nothing. That is, the buttock, or the muscle that use to comprise the buttock, is no longer. The pocket, and any wallet that resides therein, is forced to hang. Loosely.

How is my conclusion in any way tied to my positations and extrapolations? Tenuously.

Tenuous: having little substance or strength

After all my research, my grip is a bit…tenuous.

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