Feb 26 2007
Ms. Q Is Not A Snow Bunny
Ms. Q isn’t into snow. Snow is nothing more than one big opportunity for Maximum Humiliation.
Think about it. Four-foot-ten-and-three-quarter inches of klutz. Add snow. Add a lotta snow.
Despite my years of traveling for my job, I’ve managed to escape having to drive in snowy conditions.
A couple of weeks ago I was working in Omaha, NE. I like Omaha. The last time I was there it was spring. The air was soft and warm and the people warmer still.
Two years and a couple of seasons later and the people are still as warm but the weather … one big Q-sicle.
Ms. Q lives in a snow-free zone and has no clue about snow driving.
Well, there I am in Omaha and it snows overnight. My rental car has maybe a 5 or 6 inch crown of snow on it. I start the car to warm it up as well as get the defroster going.
I get out the ice-scraper-brush. It’s about 16″ with a brush along one edge and a scraper at the end.
Imagine a four-foot-ten-and-three-quarter-inch Chinese woman weighing about 100 pounds engulfed in a red parka, her head encased in a fleece scarf. Purty. Real purty.
My rental car is a Chevy Malibu. With my arm fully extended, I brush the snow off the roof of the car, hoisting my knees to my chest as I circle its snow-heaped perimeter.
Fun. Nail-in-the-eye fun.
The car now has a snow-free frame on its roof. That’s right: I can’t reach across the roof of the car even with the 16 extra inches provided by the ice-scraper-brush thing.
Well, that’s the best I can do.
The temperature is right around freezing and the news warned about ice. Great.
I leave the hotel parking lot and slowly drive onto the main road. Traffic is backed up.
I try to recall snow-driving tips and repeat to myself: Turn into the skid. Do not break hard. Turn into the skid…
Cars creep along and I end up being the first car at the intersection waiting for the light to change. I notice that the cars turning left into the road ahead are doing so very slooowly and that they are sliding slightly to the right performing a bit of vehicular ballet.
I watch as one car shimmies from side to side and finally gives up and pulls over.
Uh-oh.
I am on a slight incline. Once I cross the intersection I will be driving on a slight decline. The light changes and I proceed with caution. As soon as I cross the intersection, the car slides to the right. I slowly correct.
The radio is off and I am in this weird hyper focused state as I slide and correct my way down the road. No other cars had followed me across the intersection. I see 3 cars pulled over to my right.
I had all 3 lanes to myself and when I looked into the rear view mirror the cars still hadn’t moved.
Do they know something I don’t? Well, at least I didn’t have to worry about hitting another car.
I make it safely to work.
As I defrosted inside, I was glad that I don’t have to drive on ice every season.
I was also glad that I hadn’t rented an SUV. I’d never have gotten the snow off of the roof.
Not a snow bunny? But, you’re just about the right size!
Why is the scene from “A Christmas Story” running through my head where they made the poor kid wear the pink bunny suit?
Hey, HMTKSteve: I’ll give you the size thing. I’m back in Omaha right now and I suck at walking on ice. I’m walking around in Timberlands and still feel wobbly. I’ve seen women stomping across ice in boots with stiletto heels. Must be genetic. Where I come from, being able to wear snow-stomping stilettos isn’t necessary for survival.
I can’t recall that particular scene (I always remember the “It’s made in Italy - the box says ‘fra-gilly”) but I do recall that the movie is chock-full of humiliation.
It was Christmas morning. The pink bunny suit was sent by an aunt.
So, who is taller, you or Kristin Chenoweth?
Who is Kristen Chenoweth? I’m usually waaaay behind the latest on music/shows/celebrities because I don’t have a TV, rarely watch it when I’m on the road.
Who is she? She played Glinda in the Broadway musical Wicked. She was part of the original cast and has since moved on to other things.
You need to Google the name
Yeah, I cudda Googled but it’s so much more fun to have you tell me who she is!
According to Celebrity Heights
Ms. Chenoweth is four-foot-eleven. So she’s taller.
She was on the View recently (my wife taped it) and she was relating a story of how she was at a rehersal and they left her up in the rafters. She tried to yell down but her voice is so quiet no one could hear her. So she had to resort to a very loud operatic cry for help.
Another funny story she told was how she was doing some sort of a fashion show and the designer sent her things that were too big for her. She settled on a skirt and shirt. Later she got a call from her agent about the designers comments on her picks.
Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Kristen: Good news.
Agent: The designer liked your creative use of her clothing.
Kristen: What is the bad news?
Agent: The skirt was a tube top.
MsQ: Please fix my bad spelling and grammar before you approve this
Very funny! I dunno if I could get away with wearing a tube top for a skirt.
Grammar? I breaks all dah rules in this blog. I don’t want to be known as the Grammar Police. Then people will start correcting MY grammar!
Why is your blog looking all messed up?
HTMKSteve - that was weird! My theme had switched to the default and I don’t recall changing it. Uh-Oh.
Hey, Sweetheart. Did you forget about the gig at [removed] in Minnesota? I suppose there was usually someone else to do the driving. And despite all the snow, they did keep the streets pretty clear.
Hey, Zane! When we were out in Minnesota, someone else had the rental car. I took a taxi in. Remember we were all on that tight budget! Ah…dah memories, dah memories. Oh dah memories of meals at The Green Swill.