Mar 12 2007
Have You Outgrown Your Parents?
One of the most difficult relationships is that between parent and child.
My parents are in their 60’s and luckily they are in reasonably good health. They have slowed down and when I visit or call them, sooner or later I’ll hear about which of their physical systems are failing, the extent of the failure and what methods they are using to deal with the failure.
Good thing my parents are divorced or I’d end up hearing this in stereo.
As annoying as my parents can be, I love them. I see how the weight of their years has bowed them and I know that they will be gone from my life before I know it.
Most of my friends are in a similar situation: wondering about how much longer their parents will be in their lives and sometimes, what kind of care they will have to provide.
If you had a normal childhood then you were probably raised feeling inadequate and disempowered in some way. I’m not writing that as a joke: most people I have met have had less than loving parents who lowered, not raised their children and who created fearful or sad or angry adults.
I had a normal childhood, which means I Have Issues. They are a bit like the game of Whack-a-Mole: I think I’ve knocked one down and another one pops up somewhere else.
When I get together with my parents (separately, of course) I see that I am still clinging to old desires and yearnings for the Perfect Parent. I notice that while I can be accepting of others I have difficulty with practicing acceptance and allowing with my parents.
Some may ask, “Is it worth it?”
I know people who are estranged from their parents. They have chosen to walk away because it’s healthier for them. Some people walk away from their parents because it’s easier.
Loving my parents is not easy. I keep at it because I think that if I can change my relationship with them for the better, I will have better relationships with everyone. I have to accept them for who they are and not keep relating to them from the stance of who I wish they were.
I have to “grow up”: I have to become an adult in my relationship with my parents and not relate to them as their child. This means I don’t look to them for approval, I don’t look to them to provide me with unconditional love and support.
It sounds a bit sad. It is sad. Except for our parents, siblings and partners, how often do we expect unconditional love and support from people?
The more I’ve let go of my expectation of how I’d like my parents to be, the better I relate to them.
What if you can’t relate to them at all?
Some people stick to their parents out of guilt or a sense of obligation when the best thing for them may be to let them go.
When I hear about parents who are just plain not nice people and never have been, I ask, would you support, visit them, call them, if they weren’t your parents?
Sometimes the answer is no. In this case you may have outgrown your parents and you have to move on, let them go. If you stick around, they’ll drag you down with them.
Steve Pavlina writes about Understanding Family Relationship Problems:
“What I’m suggesting is that in order to solve family relationship problems, which exist at one level of awareness, you may need to pop your consciousness up a level and take a deeper look at your values, beliefs, and your definitions of terms like loyalty and family. Once you resolve those issues at the higher level, the low level relationship problems will tend to take care of themselves. Either you’ll transcend the problems and find a new way to continue your relationship without conflict, or you’ll accept that you’ve outgrown the relationship in its current form and give yourself permission to move on to a new definition of family.”
Erek Ostrowski writes about looking at relationships as a one way street:
“Every one of us can relate to the frustration of feeling judged and assessed by others who we believe don’t or can’t really understand our point of view. The closer we are in relationship to these people, the more frustrating and disappointing it can be. Eventually, when we’ve tried over and over again to get our point across or to convince someone of our point of view, this disappointment gives way to resignation. No relationship can thrive when resignation is lurking in the background.”
“Viewing relationship as a one way street allows us to shed our resignation and take sole authorship of our relationships with others.”
The article is laced with modern day bunk. This article describes the exact opposite of God’s Biblical design.
Fred: I admit to not knowing much about the Bible so I cannot comment on “God’s Biblical design.”
What I have heard is that it preaches love and forgiveness.
How sad for you.
My mother is in her 80’s and I have never felt that way nor have my 3 siblings. We can’t imagine her not being with us nor can our children. Unfortunatly we lost our father when he was only 52 and still miss the man that he was not being in our lives.
My 3 children also tell me how much they love me and relate stories from growing up that make them thankful for the mother they had and the direction they had been giving during their growing years.
What goes around comes around. My parents were giving of themselves and I like to believe that I was as well. My job was to raise the best human beings I could. People that care about others and to be independent adults. Which they are.
E: Thanks for your comments and I’m happy that you were raised with loving parents. It’s wonderful that your children tell you how much they love you! That is terrific! It sounds like have raised your children to believe in themselves and to believe in your love and acceptance of them.
Growing up with the knowledge that your parents love and accept you is one of the most precious things that a parent can give a child.
Fred: God did not intend for parents to be abusive towards their children. “Honour thy father and thy mother” does not mean “Let thy father and thy mother walk all over you, yell at you, demean you, and reduce you to tears by their hostility.”
I am 75 years old and not a day goes by that i don’t wish i had told my parents how much i loved them . I was lucky to have the best in parents that is available
. They both died young. Dad at 68,,mother at 58.
What gives Fred the right to critize his parents ? They did the best they knew at the time .
smitty: I don’t think Fred was criticizing his parents. He was criticizing my post. I’m sorry your parents died so young and that you regret not telling them how much you cared.
Parents are thought of a sacrosanct. That is, we feel thy are due our automatic love and loyalty. As children we look to our parents to provide emotional as well as physical sustenance. We give our parents chance after chance to lift us up, to truly raise us.
Parents are still people. People can have problems: alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, rages. Those problems don’t disappear when they have children.
People who turn away from their parents are thought of as unforgiving, unloving, hard. My point is that if someone has an unhealthy relationship with a parent, why should they maintain it more than any other relationship?
Not all relationships are healthy. I wouldn’t stay in a friendship or a marriage with someone who treated me the way my parents did. Nor would I encourage anyone else to .
Some relationships are not meant to be forever. It takes courage to walk away. The decision does not come lightly, but sometimes it is the only option.
In order to heal wounds, one must stop submitting themselves to the thing that causes them pain.
HM: Its sounds like you have some hard-earned wisdom. I like your point that it takes courage to walk away. It’s not always fear that makes a person leave.
I completely understand what you mean. I love my mom and I can’t even imagine not having her around my life, but the older I get, I realize that I need to really grow up and let go. I need to live my life, not for my mother but for me. It’s hard at times when you are close and grew up in a culture of family and dependency. But I believe that in order to better ourselves we all need to learn how to fish and stop giving each other fishes. I hope that makes sense?:)
chesg:I love that “stop giving each other fishes!” If you’ve been raised with family-first-you-last it’s very difficult to let go - all those who depend on you will cling to you for dear life!
They’ll also use every trick in the book: guilt, manipulation, drama, and threats. It’s difficult to “grow up” but well worth it - I hope you have lots of supports from your friends and maybe even other family members as you live your own life.