Jun 29 2007
SNL + IHOP = ?
Remember those old Saturday Night Live “Land Shark” skits?
OK. So maybe you don’t and I’m showing every one of my 42 years.
The premise of those skits was that this “Land Shark” would knock on the doors of single women.
He was a “cunning urban predator” who would knock on doors and pretend to be a deliveryman, repairman, anything, to get the woman to open the door.
He’d even try “candygram!”
[Scene: Ms. Q in her apartment - doorbell rings]
Ms. Q: [looking through peephole which is somehow blocked] Who is it?
Voice: (mumbling) Mrs. Shwangggh?
Ms. Q: [standing on her toes, trying to see who it is] What? Who are you looking for?
Voice: (mumbling) Miss Mwuhssner?
Ms. Q: I think you have the wrong apartment.
Voice: [pause] I have a delivery.
Ms. Q: I’m not expecting anything. From whom?
Voice: Fire inspector
Ms. Q: No one called me. I didn’t see any notices.
Voice: [pause] Candygram
Ms. Q: I don’t think so. I think you have the wrong unit.
Voice: [pause]: Mammogram.
Ms. Q: WHAT? I don’t need no mammogram!
Voice: Ma’am, all women over the age of 40 should get a mammogram. That’s why they call it a mammogram.
Why did I put you through this torture? Because I’m having a mammogram today.
At age 35 my doctor made me take a “baseline” mammogram. Once I turned forty I need to get a yearly mammogram.
Ah, the maintenance.
I’m Chinese. Asians aren’t known for the bodaciousness of their ta-tas.
When men speak to me, they LOOK ME IN THE EYES.
What’s a mammogram? It’s an X-Ray exam of the breast.
From The American Cancer Society:
“For a mammogram, the breast is squeezed between 2 plastic plates attached to the mammogram machine unit in order to spread the tissue apart. This squeezing or compression ensures that there will be very little movement, that the image is sharper, and that the exam can be done with a lower x-ray dose. Although this compression causes some discomfort, it only lasts for a few seconds and is needed to produce a good mammogram. The entire procedure for a mammogram takes about 20 minutes.”
What isn’t described is that the breast is flattened both horizontally AND vertically.
As I mentioned earlier, I’m Chinese. Men look me in the eyes.
I am not bodacious.
Think International House Of Pancakes.
Ponder the phrase, “Flatter than a pancake.”
What’s flatter than a pancake?
Ponder…pondering…pondered.
You got it…Ms. Q during a mammogram!
In case you didn’t put 2 and 2 together: SNL + IHOP = Mammogram
Here’s a blast from Ms. Q’s past:
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Oh man that was funny! My son (9) was cracking up at the video too…I’m of the right age to remember that, but wasn’t allowed to stay up that late except very rarely.
I just finished commenting back on my blog last night (I didn’t actually realize I was supposed to & haven’t gotten good/timely at it yet ’cause I always went to scrapbooking/crafting blogs before this & no one ever answers the comments on those things, I don’t think) that 42 is ************so************ way too young for inertia!!!!!!!!!!!! Least I hope…not long for 42 myself here in a couple/few years… What was my point? Oh yeah, go ahead & show the 42 years - it’s nuttin’ I tell ‘ya, nuttin! Least I’m gonna tell myself (& you) that…
Good luck having your boobies squished. I’ve heard it’s very very not fun & have personally ducked out of the threatening phone calls from the mammogram place so as not to personally find out. :-0 :-0 :-0 Yeah I KNOW!!!! I WEAR a helmet when I rollerblade & a seatbelt ALL THE TIME!!! Isn’t that good enough?!?!?
Oh yeah & be careful! If you keep talking about boobies on your blog, I bet you’ll ruin that G for Good rating!!!!!!!!!!!
:-) 
Hey, Jill: Ah, so THAT’s why you haven’t left replies to the comments! I remember that Irisi felt odd about commenting on her own blog when really, it’s just replying to your readers! I figured you were busy, what with working, crafting and hanging out in bars.
Who knows if mentioning “ta-tas” will get me out of my G-rating. I have no idea if the raters scan comments! I have mentioned “spanking” and that I guess is rated G.
Eh, this will be my oh, 4th squishin’. They’ve only been uncomfortable for me. But, I have heard it being painful for some women. In my case, I don’t have much to squish (I wonder if it’s better to have more in this case) and what hurts is having the side of the mammogram machine dig into my ribs. I mean, they really need to get what little I have flattened out which means that I have to really press the side of my body to the machine as they crank down those plates.
Oh, it also depends on the testing place - I’ve heard that some places have different machines and the personnel are better with it. SO ask around when the time comes.
Glad you and your son enjoyed the video!
I remember those skits on SNL because I too am 42. I received my reminder notice just this week to get my mammogram.
This post reminds me of the “dream” job many young men have of being a gynecologist. They have that dream until one of their friends reminds them that they will likely not be working in the Hills of Beverly working on celebrity what-nots. Nope, odds are they will be stuck in a metro area with “average” people coming in. you know, the 99% of us that are not fit to be on the cover of a magazine?
Good for you for getting the mammogram done, mam
This post also reminds me of a recent offer on one of the “paid blogging” websites. They were looking for people to blog about a female reconstructive service that works between the legs. The site had before and after pics (just like the breast augmentation sites do). The thing that got me is that I can see some woman being obsessed by breast size (as I guy, we don’t care, as long as they are there and we can touch them we don’t care how big/small they are) but I don’t understand an obsession with the other parts. If it works don’t fix it, right?
marsha: Yeah, those old SNL days were fun. I haven’t really watched it since the end of the Chase-Belushi-Ackroyd era. Not that I could watch it as I haven’t had a TV in years.
You’re 42 as well? So you also are having an increase in “routine maintenance”! Hope you’re mammogram is painfree and normal!
HMTKSteve: “whatnots” - hahaha!
I’ve heard about born-again-virgins (via surgery) but other than needing reconstruction for health reason, am not sure why anyone would want to mess around there cutting and snipping. Eeeee.
I dunno about men not caring about breast size. I admit that most men I know may have a preference but in general don’t care with regards to their GFs and wives - it’s the being able to touch ‘em that is the big deal. Of course, the men I know usually go for the “natural” look - not a lot of makeup, not a lot of primping, more healthy-looking than artificial.
I do hear about men who like the uber-feminine look though: pushed out glands, glossy pouting lips, doe-eyes.
I don’t care for those “high-maintanence” types of woman.
Do you remember the old episode of the HoneyMooners where Ralph and Alice go and have dinner over at Raplh’s boss’ place? Alice gets nervous because Ralph keeps eyeing and commenting on his Bosses hot wife.
By the end of the show we find out that his “hot” wife does nothing around the house and spends all her time (and his money) at the beauty salon all day!
Ralph explains to Alice (in that old stlye of male/female roles) that he would never want a woman like that because he would constantly be stressed out and overworked trying to afford her. He admits that, even though she is easy on the eyes, she is a pain in the ass to live with!
HMTKSteve: Never did watch “Honeymooners” but I somewhat familiar with the series premise and the characters.
I think some men like the high-maintenance woman, especially if they were raised with it. That is, maybe their mom was always made up for their dad.
I also see a few men on the dating sites requesting “feminine” women and they mention things like long hair, makeup and liking to wear heels.
I was talking to a guy in his early 50s who said that the whole makeup and hair thing was never a big deal for him to be attracted to a woman. What he found surprising was that now that he’s single again and dating, he finds some lipstick and even high heels appealing and sexy. He had no idea and is a bit flabbergasted by his change in taste.
I said that hey, the occasional change of pace can be a lot of fun. I may be a jeans-and-fleece jacket type but I do enjoy “being a girl” now and again and it IS nice to see a guy’s face light up when he notices the difference.
I am sure your eyes light up when your wife cranks it up a notch or four.
LOL!!! I remember the land shark watching SNL reruns growing up. Classic.
“I’m Chinese. Asians aren’t known for the bodaciousness of their ta-tas.”
I’ve seen some that speak to the contrary in my day MsQ. These are truly mother nature’s greatest gifts.
Glad that you are playing it safe and getting checked out.
Ricardo: Thanks for using “SNL reruns” - ah, the difference a DECADE makes!
While Asians women aren’t known for bodaciousness, I have seen a few that are. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed the sight of nature’s bounty.
Ms. Q is all about planning, saving, organizing, anticipating and Being Prepared. Playing it safe? But of course! Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t have fun. You can have a lot more fun when you’re not worried!
Agreed!
Ms. Q now that you mention this I may need to talk to my mother about getting one. I don’t think she has every mentioned it and it may be about that time.
As for the ta-tas… Ricardo is right… I’ve seen Asian females with some nice ta-tas. Now I’m not sure if all of them were natural but they had them. What I haven’t seen are those with a booty that will make you want to smack your momma. Once I see that I think I’ll have to stop and take notice and then get back up again and make my way over.
I’m glad you’re taking the time to handle your business. From the teeth to the breast… the best healthcare is selfcare.
The term “mammogram” always makes me think I should put my boob in an envelope and mail it to someone.
I have to agree with Ricardo that I have seen some asian women at school with huge bombers.
The thought of your boobs squishing makes mine empathetically hurt for you. >.
UT: Yup, you gotta get after your momma about the mammogram - see if or when she’s due for one! Sometimes parents gotta be nagged a bit. Weird how roles can change.
Now you have me wondering what “nice ta-tas” are for Asians. 34B+?? Or more? I know it’s all about CUP SIZE.
Asians (woman AND men) don’t have much back. At some point I will have to write my thoughts on booties (backsides not children’s shoes). It’s actually in my list of potential posts.
That’s funny, “make you want to smack your momma” - I can just feel the “juice” even though I’m not a guy!
In case you’re not aware, women look at male booty, yes indeedy! Men who keep up on the squats - yow!
I wrote about male booty once…back when I first started writing - really writing. Interesting to reread old stuff. Have you found that your writing has changed since you first began blogging?
I hadn’t quite thought of all the upkeep I’ve been posting about! Yep, I do try to have the regular checkups. I just scheduled my physical but that’s a couple of months away.
You said it, the best healthcare is selfcare!
Irisi: I agree with you about about mammogram and telegram! In my case I connected it to “candygram” and I always hear “candygram” in that weird “Land Shark” voice!
Are.those Asian women with huge bombers “home grown”? That is, an “ABC”?
I think the imports don’t generally have the depth and heft. Must be the extra protein in the America diet. Just a guess.
Thanks for the empathy! It wasn’t bad at all.
Yes, most of the asian women I meet with large boobies and slightly heavier frames are “home grown.” I think it does have to do with diet, as well.
“Candygram! Mammogram! Candygram!”
Ms. Q… I was looking at my site just today thinking that I’ve come a long way in terms of writing. I’ve never considered myself a writer but I’ve improved and hope to be called one some day.
UT: I wondered if you had noticed an improvement! I have noticed some changes to your blog since I first began reading it - I think you’re finding your “voice” and it’s true - the more you write, the better a writer you become.
It’s great to have the external validation - that is, to have others call you a writer or think that you write well. I really gain a great deal of satisfaction when someone tells me that my writing touched them in some way.
However, there came a point when I realized that I was a writer. No one had to tell me. I may never get published or write a book or be recognized on any grand scale as a writer but I know that I am a writer. That point came to me when I was maybe 3 months into this blog and I began to THINK IN STORIES.
You may be a writer or you may not. If you discover that you are, don’t let anyone tell you any differently.