Aug 29 2007
Girls’ Day Out: Mom Speaks, Ms. Q Listens (and Hears)
My mom has her own special way of seeing, even her own language.
Her mom, my Granny was not your typical Chinese woman. Not even close.
If you’re lucky, I may write about my saucy, sauce-loving, Scotch-sipping Granny. She had a copper streak in her hair. She smoked cigarettes. She could blow smoke rings. She passed away several years ago.
When I see photos of Granny in her youth, she reminds me of an actress from her generation, Anna May Wong.
Granny was playful and fun.
In her day, men found her a lethal mix of childish self-interest and free-spirited fun.
Mom will tell me, every so often, “It runs in the Maternal Line.”
Mom will say this when she’s doing what I would consider an activity akin to riding a motorcycle naked.
Not that she’d ever do this. She might catch a cold.
If she did, she’d say, “I wasn’t naked. I was wearing a helmet.”
Mom likes to bring up The Maternal Line when she wants me to encourage me. She would like me to be more free-spirited. She would like me to take more risks. She would like me to have more fun.
My childhood was a bit chaotic. The result is I am highly organized, risk-averse and not prone to spontaneous acts.
A few weeks ago I began writing about the day I spent with my mom. The plan was to have lunch near the park and then I’d take a bunch of full-length photos of my mom.
My mom is ready to date again and signed up for Match.com. Before we left she modeled several outfits for me. She mentioned the ways that Match.com recommended for her to look “slim.”
I was busy trying to set up something on her computer and I’d hear her ask behind me, “What about this?”
I’d turn to look at the latest outfit. It was a bit much for me to think about my 66-year old mom (who looks 10 years younger) trying to look…sexy. I mean, I’d seen her look sexy in the past but that was a long time ago. Which was exactly my mom’s point. It’s been too dang long!
We finally decide on an outfit that has good “boodah-reducing properties” meaning her belly is shrouded in mystery.
We’re finally off to lunch. Mom was hoping for “the ducky” that she had enjoyed so much the last time we were at this restaurant but it was no longer featured on the menu. She ended up with some type of tender rib dish and I devoured a spinach salad. I was glad for the hunk of sourdough bread that came with it. So far I don’t have a boodah to reduce.
The day is overcast and quite cool. A bit too cold for the outfit she is wearing but great lighting for a photo shoot. We walk over to the botanical gardens and there’s a plant sale going on near the entrance. I’m enchanted by the display of dwarf bamboo. They all look so serene.
I don’t really need one, though. In fact, I’m thinking that the shelf near my window is looking a little too cluttered with my collection of cacti, succulents, and the stones from the beaches of South Africa.
Mom is looking at a book display, opening a book on local birds and trying to find “this little brown bird” she sees in her yard. It’s getting a bit late and I noticed that the vendors are packing up. I look at the dwarf bamboos. They really don’t cost all that much. I ask the woman behind the table about how to care for the bamboo and she tells me.
She begins to pack up. She says, “If you want to buy one, I’m willing to take some money off - it’ll save me from having to pack it.”
Mom is now next to me, watching me pick up one delicately veined bamboo plant and then another.
“They do look nice,” she says.
“Yes. They really do.” I end up buying two different types of dwarf bamboo. On sale. Nine bucks.
As mom and I walk into the gardens looking for a good location to take photos, she says, “I’m glad you bought something for yourself.”
I am not thinking too much about my purchase other than the fact that my 2 plants are in awkward plastic bags and have already spilled out some soil.
I take photo after photo of mom. It’s great to have a digital camera! She’s telling me that the best angle, the most slimming is this three-quarter angled view. I do my best.
She turns, looks over her shoulder at me and says, “Does this make my butt look good?”
Uhh….
She looks very pretty and playful.
I look at her and think I wish she would find that special man - someone who would cherish her uniqueness, who would take care of her but also encourage her to grow.
Mom struggles. She has many difficulties yet she continues to struggle. She’s 66 years old but she’s still growing.
At times, she catches me off-guard with her insight. I know, Ms. Q is supposed to be the Insightful One!
As I’m carefully placing my plants on the floor of the back seats, she again mentions how happy she is that I purchased the bamboo plants.
“Yeah, they are nice, aren’t they,” I respond.
When I drop her off at home, she says to me yet again, “I’m glad you bought those plants for yourself.”
“Me, too.” I say, wondering why she’s mentioned my purchase so many times.
She looks at me. She says, “You rarely buy yourself anything.” She looked a little sad.
Oh.
She was right. I rarely buy things for pleasure. I ask myself, “Is this a want or a need?” and most items are wants.
I needed that bamboo.
For many years I was the mother.
It’s nice to be a daughter again.
Thought you might enjoy seeing one of the photos from the shoot!
Despite a certain family resemblance, I don’t really look like my mom. Mom looks like her mom and the blood of “The Maternal Line” runs hot in her veins.
Mom is right. The blood of The Maternal Line courses through me as well.
I need to tap into some of that passion, that zest for life.
Life isn’t all planning and feeling guilty about pleasures.
Life is for living.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Beautifully written! I have to admit, I normally kind of wonder of when stories are getting longer, but I loved every bit of this one!
Love the sweet way you’re describing that ’special man’ you wish your mother will find, is a beautiful description that would fit all of us, right?
And an excellent, though extremely hard advice for me too, at the end.. LIVE your life, find a way to tap into that passion again. Instead of always taking care of others, making sure everything is under control..
Thanks!!
Hi, Ellen: I’m glad you enjoyed this post so much. I enjoyed writing it.
As you know, I’ve been dealing with my fears. I keep visualizing the “later me” the fearless me. I know she’s in me. It sounds like you are going through changes as well. You’re probably feeling what I’m feeling, or sensing what I’m sensing - that the joy is out there, out there for us to take if we an only let go of the fear we are holding onto. We can’t take hold of joy if we’re clinging to our fears!
I’ve been doing a lot of journaling and personal development reading and I just wanted to write for fun. Sometimes I doubt (but not too much) that writing is my passion. Then I turn to it and it gives me so much pleasure that I know I have to take it as far as I can.
As much as I write for myself, I do want readers, I do want to connect to people and I do want validation. The thing about wanting validation is it’s difficult to show my flaws or what I perceive others may think as flaws. Sounds like your working on this issue with respect to your blog, too - allow more of yourself to show. The more “self” we reveal, the scarier it feels!
I remind myself of this quote:
“Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” -
Marianne Williamson
I definitely think that it’s easy to fall into the trap of simply living one’s life as matter-of-factly as possible. Well that’s probably true for some people while others deal with living too in the moment. It’s never easy to have that happy medium, but that is where we all want to be, isn’t it?
It’s good that you can find moment where you can try to find the middle ground. Living at the middle ground seems like a whole lot more work than a lot of people are willing to put into it, though.
Oh that motorcycle comment made me laugh!
Your grandmother comment reminds me of my grandmother too. In the couple years before she died, she started having little mini strokes. So one time she’s about to leave with her next door neighbor. She’s still in her easy chair, but reaching for her purse to go. But she can’t move her right hand in order to grab her purse, because she’s started having a mini stroke & her neighbor starts to panic and call out to her about how wrong it all is. “There’s nothing wrong with me,” my grandmother says back slowly, matter of fact. “My purse is on the wrong side.”
I am just getting where I buy something for myself now and again. I have this one friend who never, ever buys herself anything either. We were in Target together one time though and realized we were in trouble, because though I wasn’t willing to buy anything for ***myself***, buying something for HER was a whole different ball game & vice versa! Luckily for our checking accounts, we happen to live a few hundred miles from each other. It does make the things I actually *do* buy for myself seem special though, different from the the cast offs and second hand stuff and gifts and otherwise happened by stuff that inhabits most of my home.
Keep the stories coming. This is like my daily escape.
It isn’t surprising that Match.com would tell you ‘how to look slim’ in a picture. But at the same time I find it disturbing about the weight issue, even if it is just a little tummy. (This man over here likes curves. As long as they aren’t sloppy looking.)
I feel you on that want need issue. I get on people all the time about things they buy themselves that they really shouldn’t get because they have rent to think about. But who am I tell them what to do and how to live?
Just the other day I spoke to my mom about my sneaker issue. I will purchase a pair of sneakers in a heart beat. I treat myself all the time. I don’t need 40 pairs of sneakers but I want them, I’m able so I get it. You only live once.
Take the time to treat yourself. No one can treat you better than you can (in some cases).
BTW… Great shot of mom.
Derek: Yes, it IS a balancing act between control /letting go and planning /spontaneity. I am not sure if people are more one way or another at least in general. In my own case, I know that it took me a long time to get out of being an “observer” - I had a hard time really having fun and letting go. I admit that I actually have to WORK at letting go and living in the moment. That’s why I try to challenge myself with doing unplanned things and just…seeing what happens. Like when I went to see The Big Buddha.
One of my most enjoyable days was one I spent with a friend. If I had planned all the things we ended up doing, it would have seemed a bit much. Instead I was in this mood and I said, Hey, what about going here? and we did. Then I said, “I know this great spot for lunch in another town..” and off we went.
Jill: Both my mom and I have ridden a motorcyle (although behind someone) but always with a helmet. She’s never said what I wrote but it’s something I could imagine her saying.
Good for you that you’re buying things for yourself now and again, especially if you generally don’t. Target is a pretty good place for the Cheap Treat. I tend not to buy what I consider frivolous items. I spend time researching most of the items I purchase. Then again, I don’t really mind researching since I learn more about what options are out there (like when I purchased my digital camera). I am probably a bit too practical with my clothes so tend to wear very basic classic stuff. Recently I decided to buy some form-fitting tank tops - with a pattern! Yep, not your basic black and really just for fun. YES, they were both on sale. Win-win. I purchased them after the “bamboo incident” - a way to show myself some love. I also did it because I wanted to prove that yes, I still “have it goin’ on” - that this 42 year old woman can look right tasty when she puts her mind to it.
UT: Daily escape? Wow! What a compliment! I’m sorry I can’t manage a daily post. I probably could but for right now, it’s better for me to manage my energy.
With respect to the weight issue, I was also wondering about what Match was saying (I haven’t looked) based on my mom saying, “Match says to do this…”
Most women have a tummy. One man told me that he finds a woman’s belly very sexy - he called it their “Sweet Spot”. The female celebrities out there don’t seem to have a sweet spot which gives all us regular women the wrong idea!
Was your mom asking you to stop buying sneakers or were you encouraging her to treat herself?
I am so used to not wanting things that I don’t think of it all that much. I think I have to regain my sense of pleasure which is different than what most people do! I also suspect that I don’t love myself enough; that I don’t believe I deserve treats. Whew! Working…working….
Glad you like the photo. Mom was pretty fun taking those shots and it was chilly! She is easily distracted (ADHD) so there are some funny shots of her looking off to the side because of the many squirrels that were running around.
She looks lovely in the picture Ms.Q and she sounds like a wonderful woman. I hope she finds that special someone.
Spoil yourself once and a bit and take a chance. Just don’t do anything too crazy.
When I was 14, a motorcycle was my passion. It gave me freedom. It gave me wings. It instilled adventure. So many memories from this time in my life bring a smile to my face.
I now live day to day with little or no adventure, and long to go back to a time where the new and unseen was common.
Your love for your Mother is very evident as you describe your day with her. I found it heartwarming and sweet.
Great post, as usual Ms Q! - Eric
Ricardo: Thanks! My mom is wonderful. What’s great is that she just keeps working on herself and trying. There is a lot to be said for not giving up.
I am trying to spoil myself and take more chances!
Define crazy. My guess is my “crazy” is your “boring” because I’m guessing you’re better at taking risks than I am.
Speedcat: what’s preventing you from bringing the new and unseen back into your life?
I’m glad you enjoyed the post and yeah, I love my mom and it’s great that she’s coming into her own these days and blossoming again. Mom and dating…ROUND TWO.