Dec 28 2007
Beggars Can’t Be Choosers
I went to my local unemployment office yesterday. It was interesting. I had a 9:30am appointment and showed up an hour early and either I beat the rush or there weren’t very many newly unemployed people. One woman had worked for Morgan Stanley. She was a real estate analyst of some sort. The recent subprime lending problems ended up being her problem. Like me, she hadn’t been unemployed in years.
One man was married with 2 kids and a wife who didn’t work. His former employer, a small roto-rootering business had canceled half of the employees’ health insurance without telling them. He was the only one who spoke up. Things went from bad to worse and now the guy was out of a job. But it seems that his former employer was refusing to pay for his unemployment because this man’s claim was denied.
I got the name of the roto-rootering business because I don’t want to do business with people who don’t treat their employees well.
I was seen to early since there was no one else waiting. The woman who looked at my forms said that I needed to apply for more jobs. She said that these days, claims were looked at much more closely. She looked at my former rate of pay and what I was getting from unemployment. She understood that what I was getting from unemployment wasn’t exactly a big incentive to go out and party like it’s 1999.
I am not sure but my guess is that unemployment offices around the US are always in some funky area. Just like pawn shops and bail bondsmen are around courthouses and county jails.
As I headed back towards my car, a young black woman approached me. It was pretty cold and she was wearing a knit cap under her padded hooded jacket. In one gloved hand she carried a plastic grocery bag. She came up to me and said, “Hey, uh, can I have a dollar?”
She sounded like she wasn’t used to using her tongue - like she was trying to form words using only her throat. She was looking at me but I could tell she wasn’t seeing me.
I said, “What will you use the dollar for?”
She said, “Food…I need…something to eat.” She gripped that plastic bag a bit and leaned towards me. I could see that what looked to be freckles dusting her checks were tiny black moles.
I said, “What are you going to eat? Maybe we could go to the store and I’ll buy it for you.”
She said, “Can I have 2 dollars?”
I said, “Two dollars? OK. But why don’t I go to the store with you. - I’ll buy you some food.”
She said, “There’s this liquor store…I can get some soda and a bag of chips…”
I am a middle-aged and middle-class ABC (American Born Chinese) and soda and a bag of chips…uh…better than drugs but…liquor store?
I said, “OK. Let’s go to this store together and I’ll buy this for you. How far is it?”
Her eyes shift. She said, “It’s like 3 blocks away and I need 5 bucks…”
I said, “First 1 dollar and now 2 dollars and now 5 bucks…I’m offering to buy you food…so…why don’t you want to go?”
She said, “YOU don’t understand, see, with your money I can add it to my money, ” and here she puts a hand in a pocket and shakes it so I can hear the change jingle, “and then I can get me something.”
I do realize that I’m dealing with what is probably some form of “junkie” or “street” logic. In the past I would have just passed her on by. But begging - that seems hard and it was cold and what’s a few bucks.
I again offer to buy her some food and by this point I am not particularly interested now in walking a few blocks out of my way to buy her anything but I figure, if she really wants something to eat, she’ll take my offer.
She then says, “Well, I don’t know how to ask for 2 dollars. I really wanted 2 dollars but it’s easier to ask for a dollar…”
I gave up. I said, “I’m sorry. I can’t give you 2 dollars but I want to help you so I’m giving you one.”
I would rather have purchased 10 bucks worth of food for her instead of giving her a dollar.
Beggars can’t be choosers and helpers can’t help those who refuse it.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Have you ever seen Scary Movie? In he beginning of the film two of the main characters pass by a homeless dude. He asks them for money. Instead of giving money Cindy hands the man a sandwich and then walks off. The homeless guy looks at the sandwich and through it at her, it hit the back of her head. He then responded, “I asked for money b*tch, not a sandwich.”
I come across homeless people often. What they really want is what they ask for. Food isn’t an option if they don’t ask for it. It is easier for her to take your money than you purchase food. Why? because she was hungry but not for the type of food she could have you purchase for her. You know what I mean?
Beggars can’t be choosers but they are a picky bunch.
UT: I most of one of the “Scary Movie” (there were several, right?) and they were funny. I can’t recall that particular scene you mentioned but I can imagine it!
Yes, I figure they want what they ask for and it’s easy for them to say, “food” when you ask them what they are using it for instead of drugs or alcohol or whatever need they have.
I usually just say no to all beggars - a long time ago I gave some some money to a couple who gave me their “out of gas” story and I said, “OK. If they pay me back, I will keep my trust in humanity. If they don’t from then on all beggars seeking money from me will receive nothing.”
They didn’t pay me back and it’s only been recently where I have reopened my heart. Well, she got her dollar which is what she asked for.
Scary Movie spauned three sequals. I’m speaking of the first one though. Tried to find a clip online but had no success.
I was on the train one time when I man asked the homeless guy what he was going to use the money. The homeless man told him straight up, alcohol. He then replied, “That is the same thing I plan on spending it on.” So he never gave him the cash. Why support someone else’s good time when he could support his own? LOL
I couldn’t help but smirk at the whole exchange.
Shame on them for not paying you back. I know how that is. Took me ten years to open my heart to folk too. Sad that people can have that type of affect on us.
I know how you feel - I know it is not for me to judge others - and who knows? Maybe they chose this life to teach us some lesson. I just can’t seem to get past the obsession they have - whether it be alcohol, drugs or not working. Maybe someday I will get it…
I once gave a guy $20 as I felt he needed it more than I did. It was a lot of money for me at the time, but I knew I’d get more Friday. At the time I was pretty young and didn’t realize he was likely to buy booze.
A couple of years later, when I was out of work, I gave a guy everything I had in my pocket, which was about 70 cents. He’d been working me with a story that I knew was BS (by this time I’d spent some time volunteering in a homeless shelter and was familiar with stories some people might tell). The guy looked at the 70 cents, then at me, then at the change and then back at me with a WTF expression. I told him that was the best I could do and that I was going to walk 6 miles home as I didn’t have enough for bus fare.
And then I did.
UT: I like your story! That was pretty funny - like, “I’m not gonna give up my vice for your vice.”
At the time I was making maybe 7 dollars an hour and I gave them 5 dollars. I was hmm, maybe around 21 years old? They were maybe just a few years older. Yeah, it was a shame that they took advantage of me and probably many others. It was a shame that it hardened my heart for so many years. It’s amazing the power of a single event, bad or good. I’d like to think that a kind word or kindness in general can cause a chain reaction for more good.
Beth: I read that we choose our particular life to learn something - we chose our parents, our circumstances all that to move forward in our soul’s journey. When it comes to meeting those who are in some form of deep need, I feel that maybe the lesson we have to learn is compassion, non-judgment, and perhaps just allowing them to follow their path be it one of salvation or destruction. Like you, I don’t quite get it as yet. I just feel that love has something to do with it.
I certainly did not want to judge that young woman. I felt a bit disconnected when I spoke with her. Part of me felt totally safe and at ease - more just remote curiosity. Another part of me (very quiet) was saying, “GIRL, I canNOT believe you are talking to this here probably drug-addict out in the street.” I wasn’t feeling particularly compassionate - I just have been more open to helping people if they ask for it these days.
I usually want to get to know someone, get a sense of who they are and their story. Now that I think about it, this young woman felt very … blank. This is probably why I didn’t feel all that compassionate - she was so dull - on autopilot. How can you connect to someone on autopilot?
Based on what I have seen with obsessions or obsessive thoughts and addictions, all these are ways to not feel. Obsessions overwhelm all real emotion with their intensity. Or they make a person feel safe via rituals. The more I study about happiness and being happy the more I believe that fear and lack of self-love are what prevent people from being happy.
delmer: You gave 20 bucks to someone with a sob story? Wow. The most I gave was 5 bucks. Your 70 cents story is touching. It’s interesting how some people will not take a gift in the spirit it was given. If you don’t have much but you give it away - that’s more generous than having a lot and giving a little away. It’s also interesting how the man thought so little of your 70 cents. He’s got 70 more cents than he used to! I now pick up pennies and tend to find them all the time. For a little while there I was finding dimes, too.
I do not want to make light of anyones misfortune, and have deep sympathy for a person or family in need. But…there seems to be an after affect of “free money” on society as a whole. So many abuse the system, and abuse substances as well. I believe that able people are just that - able. Able to work and become self sufficient, productive citizens. Most pan handlers are “professional” pan handlers!
I gave 5 dollars to a man once asking for enough money for a bowl of chili. He looked cold and hungry, and as any human would, I felt pity and granted him the cash in my pocket. I saw him later downtown a block away drinking and having a fun night at the bar. This hurt me not because I was mislead, but because it takes away from the family that has indeed fallen on hard times. Things can happen in life so fast - medical problems, bad investments, and so many other misfortunate occurances.
I agree with your resolution to help those in need, and not those needing a bump! How interesting that this person did not want the food you offered. It saddens me to hear stories of this nature. If only I could show the world what it’s like to free yourself of addiction, these situations could be a thing of the past.
It was nice of you to offer…and in the end you did the right thing.
I give money to people less fortunate than me when I can. I too have volunteered and I too have bought food for people who then got belligerent when I didn’t give them money on top of the food. I also remember a panhandler telling me that some cheapskate only gave him ten cents. I said at least he gave you something. He nodded.
I guess I feel that if I give someone something out of real charity it doesn’t matter what they are going to use it for. And, certainly, I don’t always feel this way, so I don’t always give. I’d love to say otherwise, but I can’t.
I just feel fortunate that I am sitting in a warm office typing on my very own computer about panhandlers rather than out in the cold panhandling.
Happy new year, MsQ.