Jan 15 2008
The World According To Dad
I’ve been spending more time with my dad and we’re both happy with the change.
We’ve both mellowed as well as given up on a few of our expectations. I have let go of my idea of a “perfect” father (kind, understanding, supportive, totally accepting) and he’s given up his idea of a “perfect” daughter (agreeable, married, producing 100% Chinese grandchildren).
Actually, I have no real idea of who he wanted me to be - I spent most of my life thinking that I wasn’t good enough. My Dad “came over” and I’ve always had the vague idea that he’s want me to be more “Chinese” as opposed to “American.”
Despite this, I knew that he loved me and wanted me to be happy.
I found that in letting go of my expectations and meeting my father as if for the first time, I was reacting to who he is now, not to emotional echoes. Because I was no longer reacting defensively, the dynamics of our relationship changed and luckily, it’s changed for the better.
We’ve been enjoying each other’s company and I’m glad to be reconnecting with my father.
We got together on Christmas and ended up searching for a place for dinner. He suggested going out for “American Food” thinking that this was something I’d like.
I figured most “American” restaurants would be closed and the ones that weren’t would probably require a reservation. I said I was fine with Chinese food and he said, “Chinese restaurants are always opened on holidays.”
As he drove to a restaurant he knows, I said, “I’d like to get married some day. I used to wasn’t so into it but now…I think I’m ready for it.”
Dad said, “All women want to get married.”
I said, “ALL women? I wanted to get married when I was young and thought it was the thing to do but once I had a career and became independent, marriage lost its appeal.”
Dad said, “OK. Well, 99% of women want to get married.”
I said, “Huh. I guess I know the other 1% or something, ” and I go on to say that many of the women I know have no desire to get married.
Dad said, “I think that all women, in their hearts, want to get married.”
I said, “I’m telling ya, I don’t think so.”
Dad: “99%”
Me: “Guess I know the other 1% or something…”
Dad: [driving]
Dad said, “Women are so aggressive these days.”
He described how Jay, the Chinese son of someone he knows was helping this older Chinese woman with her groceries. The son didn’t know this woman but had noticed that she was having difficulties carrying her groceries so helped carry them for her.
The woman thanked him and added, “You seem like such a nice man - you should meet my daughter” and got his name and phone number.
Dad was shocked. “The daughter called Jay the next day! Can you believe it? Women are so aggressive these days!”
I said, “It’s difficult to date and probably difficult for a ‘nice Chinese girl’ to find a ‘nice Chinese boy’ so what the heck.”
Dad said, “Then there’s this online dating! They didn’t have that in my day.”
I say, “Uh, Dad, I have an online dating profile…”
Dad: [silence]
Dad [changing subject] “Jay has been going to job interviews. He was telling me about one that had a test and an interview that took THREE HOURS!”
I replied, “Jay must have had to interview with team members. They do that to see if someone will fit in.”
Dad said, “THREE HOURS! My performance interviews last something like 15 minutes.”
I said, “Dad - you’ve been working at the same company for over 35 years - they don’t interview the same way these days. Corporate culture has changed. There is no more loyalty on either side, no more pensions, nothing is personal anymore.”
Dad pondered this as he drove.
I said, “Dad, you’re ‘Old School.’”
He laughed and said, “Yeah. I am.”
We still have our differences but I think we’re learning that we’re both perfect.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Who knows, but I have always had the sneaking suspicion that my dad is disappointed that I married young, and quit working young, to raise a houseful of children.
I would love to spend time reconnecting with him, but I never see him without my mom, and she is one to Steer the Conversation and Correct Everything.
I’ll have to think of a work-around, on that one.
*giggle* My parents are old school too. But I’m not. hehehe. I’m sure I’ve disappointed them countless times.
Christine: The father-daughter dynamic is very different than the mother-daughter one, that’s for sure. I have the “Chinese thing” going on but maybe it’s all just about not only a generation gap but a cultural one.
My father wasn’t one for giving praise - a good job is expected so unworthy of comment. This isn’t the best for raising esteem! But that’s what he was raised with I guess. I would hear how well he thought of me from my relatives - I guess that’s where parents brag!
He’s learned to express himself more and we both are working on having a closer relationship. If possible, I think it’s good to at least attempt to be closer to a parent if you aren’t already, especially if they are elderly. I think it’s good for yourself if you know you did all you could when they pass away.
Interesting about how your mom plays interference. Wonder what’s up with that?
Sue: I wish I didn’t *need* my parents’ approval and acceptance but I do! But you can’t change yourself just for them (or for anyone) which is why I keep saying my affirmations so that I am more my own person, not asking for value from anyone and not reacting defensively to their needs. Well..less defensively than I used to!
That is truly old school. Women are different from years ago. No more of the submissive, reserved demeanor. They have wanted to be taken seriously, being treated equal to a man. Why not ask a man out or make that phone call?
I’m glad you and pops are making headway in terms of relations. He is just as interesting as your mother.
The thought that all women want to get married runs along the same lines as all women want to have children. I think the number is bigger than 1%. I know a lot of woman. Most of them aren’t thinking about marriage. They can barely find a good man to shack up with.
UT: My dad is not exactly old-fashioned but as the first born son out of something like 9 kids (2 died very young overseas) he’s more rigid than his siblings. But it’s not like my dad expects a woman to be submissive - in fact, he’d like more of a partner in a wife. He just has these traditional ideas about what women want!
Many men my father’s age are a bit taken aback by women calling or even insisting on paying their share of a date’s cost. I’m not insulted by it mainly because I know where it’s coming from. I think the old school courtesies like walking on the outside are sweet. The men I know (of any age) who open doors and walk on the outside (on the street side) - I know for them it’s a sign of respect for a woman, not some kind of male-dominant thing.
I had no idea about the walking-on-the-outside thing and used to be puzzled by being “herded” to the inside. I finally asked about this and had it explained.
My dad seems like your “basic Chinese guy” as one friend describes it. When compared to my mom, he seems boring. Of course, even my mom says, “Of course people would want to read about me. I am very interesting. And funny.”
I think almost everyone is interesting but it make take some effort to find the interesting bits with some people!
I also think the number for woman not interested in marriage is greater than 1% but it wasn’t a number I was going to keep arguing about. I found it amusing how convinced my father was!
It is my understanding that walking on the outside is to put you closer to the woman’s heart.
As a father I do have to say that the father-daughter dynamic is very different than any other relationship I have ever had. You need to be careful because things you might saying oassing to another guy can be taken the entirely wrong way by your daughter.
Either way I’m glad to read a “dad” story on here. For a while I thought you just didn’t have a dad in your life.
HMTKSteve: Your explanation is more poetic but I was told that it’s so the man gets hit first in the case a car runs off the road or he can push the woman out of harm’s way.
You musta missed my other “dad” story: Finding Myself in the Slow Lane
As a Man I have to say that getting hit by the car is not the reason I walk on the left side of my wife! My daughter, yes…
It does seem like a good majority of women do want to get married and have kids and the whole thing. I have met very few that did not.
My late father, who I never had contact with until I was 21, had the whole racial thing going on. His stance was far more agressive than your fathers. He felt that I should act a certain way that was totally out of place for me. I told him this is who I am and it’s not about being shameful of my ethnicity, it’s simply who I came to be on my own, honestly and truthfully.
Anyway, he seems like a great guy and I’m glad you both have put those things aside and deal with one another for who you are.
Hey, maybe you ate with ME!!!!!!!!! Them’s the rules - Jews go to Chinese food and a movie on Christmas day! It sounds like you had a really nice time with your dad. He’s right - these are different times, that’s for certain! Anyway…more later when it’s not a Wednesday… :-0 :-0 :-0
I usually leave silly comments, so I don’t mean to be a bummer, but I lost my dad six months ago, and I’m grateful that you are enjoying the time with your dad you have. Make the most of it.
HMTKSteve: My guess is if you’re all walking down the street, then it’d be you on the streetside, your daughter in the middle and your wife at the end.
Ricardo: Well..I do think that many women want to get married and have children. That’s a good thing. If the majority didn’t, then hmm, who’s going to fund Social Security? But seriously, we’d be in trouble if most women had no desire to have children. Procreation - gotta have it!
At 32 (I think that’s your age) you’re probably surrounding yourself with women around your age. Tick-tick-tick is the biological clock! I’m not hearing that many alarms going off around me but my female friends are around my age (early 40s) or later. I HAVE noticed that it’s the MEN who are wanting children. There are lots of great fathers-to-be out there.
I’m sorry about your father. It’s too bad when parents try to put their stamp on their children and not let children define themselves. I’m glad that you were able to stand up for yourself.
My father IS a good guy but our relationship is definitely a work in progress.
Jill: I didn’t see you at the restaurant it was near a theater! “You people” have some funny rules. Hahahaha! The rules make sense though - what else will be open on Christmas day?
the frogster: I’m sorry your father passed away. Dang. I am making the most of my parents because I do know that they are probably down to their last 30 years. Both my mom and dad are 66 and except for my father’s father who smoked and died of lung cancer, my mom’s parents died at 89 and 92 and my dad’s mom is 87. I have high hopes that I won’t be dealing with their estates for at least 20 years. Despite my hopes, I do want to be close to my parents. If possible, I think it’s good to mend relationships with close relatives. I know that it’s not always possible. Some parents…
Yes the ticking is god awful and I have no desire to be a father myself. So I must either date older women or younger women who are getting it all out of their system. And hey, if we don’t have procreation the traditional way, we always can make test tube babies.
Well MsQ, you ended this perfectly.
I remember growing up thinking that everyone had parents like mine. So far from the truth! If anything, we have all experienced childhood vastly different from one another. As much as we change, adapt, and grow, our up-bringing has a large role in who we are and how we think for the rest of out lives. In fact, I believe that this is far more true than most uf us will admit.
I see your father as a strong man, with deep convictions and a “correct” path that is right for everyone. The best part about him from this post is how he brags about you to others … I like that.
Back to thinking that everyone had parents like mine, it is not to far fetched that a father visions the lives of others as being similar as well. The world looks like the window that your eyes peer out of. You have a bigger window, that’s all.
You also seem to have such a wonderful acceptance of what it is to be “perfectly happy”. Self image, self empowerment, self sufficiency. A lot of self in there! While it is important as humans to be accepted, the biggest and by far the most impacting opinion of ourselves is our own.
I thought this was a heartwarming story of a daughter and her father connecting, learning, and accepting one another. How grand indeed!!!
One last thought (in my opinion) the best marriage is the union of 2 people comfortable with being perfecly happy alone. Instead of depending on each other, they bring out each others “bright colors”.
Speedy
It was nice to read about you enjoying a chat with your father. He sounds like a pleasant and understandable gentleman. But I was wondering what he was thinking about when you mentioned about having an online dating profile - Dad: [silence]. I guess he was alright with it…right?
Ricardo: Older women are the way to go
Speedy! My father does what he thinks is “right” that’s for sure! Of course what he thinks of as right is not necessarily right for everyone!
While it’s nice that my dad brags about me to our relatives, it’d be nice if he were better at saying good things about me to me. I used to be just as closed mouth as he when it came to praise and compliments - we DO learn from our parents!
I agree with you that our opinion of ourselves has the most impact on our lives. I also agree with your last thought on marriage and thank you again for a wonderful metaphor - that a good marriage brings out the “bright colors” in each person.
esofthub: I interpret my father’s silence as a bit of the deer-in-the-headlights. I don’t think he was OK with my having an online dating profile. My father may want me to get married but I think the actual idea of me dating makes him a bit squeamish.
I have some friends who use online dating services, when will you write about your experiences? We have all enjoyed hearing your mom’s tales of online dating woe.
HMTKSteve: I have no plans for writing about my online dates. Not that there are any dates to write about.
My mom and I are very different when it comes to dating. All things being equal, we would never date the same type of man nor would the same man be attracted to both of us.
Mom tells me, “I’m not cerebral. Cerebral men like you.”
Mom is probably way more fun and definitely more spontaneous than I. Stuff happens to her. I plan for stuff. Hence her whacky dating experiences.
My online profile is a pretty big filter. It only appeals to a certain type. I end up meeting terrific men. We may not match but they have been very nice men with a great deal of integrity.
I’ve been too busy to think about online dating. The way things have been going I’m guessing I’ll meet someone the “old fashioned way.”