Jan 30 2008
Someone To Watch Over Me (and You)
I had to go to the local Social Security office a few days ago.
I’d never been to a Social Security Office.
From the outside the local office looked like something built during the Works Progress Administration - ponderous and stately, with columns, arches, and carvings. I walk into the front expecting a marble entryway with lots of space and hallways leading to large rooms. I open the door to a crowd.
It reminded me of that line from the poem carved on the pedestal of the Statue Of Liberty:
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
I join the huddled masses.
The ceiling soars to 2 stories and terminates with acoustic tiles interspersed with those florescent lighting fixtures that look like ice cube trays.
A massive chandelier reminds us of the building’s former elegance. What might have been a large lobby has been compartmentalized to create a cramped waiting area lined with chairs.
We’re a small sea of humanity washing up to a counter with a half-dozen numbered windows. Behind each window is someone who will process your request. Numbers are called, people walk up, some return to the sea from whence they came, others are led to offices in the back.
I get a number. The seats look a bit too crammed together and the room is hot with sighs. I decide to lean against the wall. People are very polite - when an elderly person shuffles in, people are offering their seat. I hear foreign accents and I see people who are used to waiting. I watch as adult children guide their wispy bent parents to chairs.
The elderly parents look tired and confused. I am at the office to file some paperwork for my mom. My mom turned 67 and is now eligible to receive Social Security.
Paperwork must be filed. Documents must be shown. Mom was able to find of the necessary documents like her birth certificate but I had to go to the county clerk to request the others.
As I researched whom to call and waded through voicemail systems I thought of something that has been in the back of my mind when I decided I would not have children: Who will take care of me?
I’ve had to start doing more for my mom and I hear the same things from my friends. One friend has parents living in another state and she’s constantly on the phone with government agencies trying to get them help. She makes a pittance, her mother suffers from dementia and her father is very shaky. But she’s doing the best she can to make sure they are getting care, that they are not forgotten.
I can tell that I will have to take on more and more of my mom’s care.
I hear how my friends have begun managing their parents’ lives - some going as far as moving closer. A few of these parents have limited savings and caring for them is another expense. I know that I have been spending more money on my mom and these costs are going to increase. I figure I will do what I have to.
What happens to those of us who are old and have no one?
I know of one elderly woman who wanted to continue working but because she was in her eighties, no one would hire her. She didn’t own a home and she had little savings. She was forced to drain her savings down to something like $2000 so the government could place her in an assisted care facility. She now lives in a single room, her time and meals managed by what sounds like an apathetic staff. She is actually lucky to have the care she does.
I hear stories like this and it makes me wonder at all the elderly out there who don’t have people watching over them and who aren’t as “lucky.”
It seems like there must be a better way to take care of our elderly. I figure I’m ahead of the game because I’m planning for my future. But who is going to watch out for my interests? Sure I can hire someone at some point but there’s nothing like someone who cares about you to care for you.
Sometimes friends watch out for each other. My 65-year old Younger Dude watches out for his 75-year old friend and landlady of 40 years. He takes her shopping, drives her to the doctors and at times, makes sure she is still breathing.
People think that the government should take care of them.
The government does what it does best: generates paperwork and grind things down to the lowest common denominator. Don’t expect it to check if you’re still breathing or that your front yard is swept.
I don’t think the answer to who will take care of me in my old age lies with the government.
Social Security.
The government may provide some security but they can’t provide the social. We have to do that. We have to watch out for each other.
We may not be related but we’re family.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I can’t tell you how many times I have had these same thoughts. I know there will be no social security - and I wonder what meager money I have put away is enough. And, like you, I have no children - so what happens? Can I wish for an early death??
Beth: My guess is that Social Security will still be there but with inflation it might be worth what 100 bucks is today! I haven’t added any SSI money into my retirement calculations.
It’s not so much the money that worries me - it’s the idea of having people to watch out for my interests. I do have this dream - one where people take care of people like one big family. When I was in South Africa with my friends, I noticed that they helped their neighbors and friends - they watched out for each other. I hope we have more of that.
America is great when it comes to individuality and independence. It has it’s drawbacks when it comes to taking care of each other. I really don’t think that the government can handle it the way that it should be handled - compassionately. That comes from grassroot efforts.
You’ve overcome so much - I don’t think you’re meant for an early death!
The interesting problem is that those with the “least” during their working days have the least on social security. Double whammy. Take a “for instance” … my parents did pretty well over the years, and when retirement age came they were making more than any year previous, this of course was the combination of SS and retirement plans - ie 401k etc. They get along fine.
If the day came when I was needed for care, I would happily be available, as they have given so much to me growing up.
Case#2
Someone that struggled for many years and really has no family. I have witnessed what happens here first hand. I worked at a care facility when I was 18 - 20. What care is given is basic, and many elderly remain seated in a wheel chair in a hallway for most of the day. A companion or just a sympathetic ear where what most of these people wanted most. I loved visiting and reliving there life moments. With age comes a wisdom, and a unique view of the world. While I felt helpful, it is not reassuring that the highlight of some people’s day is a short visit by a 18 year old maintenance man.
What is the solution? That is a hard question with no simple answers. I think like you have said, we can at least start at a personal level. The more you give, the richer you become….
This subject also reminds everyone that retirement planning is just not an option. Get a plan!!!
Like you, I planned to not have children. I wouldn’t expect anyone to take care of me but at the same time I don’t plan on getting old.
Do you get those Social Security forms delivered to your home each year telling you what you are entitled to if you retire or if something happens to you? I received one and I thought to myself: Good thing I have a 401k/403b.
Your mother is very fortunate to have you. Does she welcome your help? I find my mother being very stubborn and refusing to ask me. She is a proud woman. I wish she would just let go and let me help sometimes without her feeling bad about it.
Speedy! Yup, the money you earned during your lifetime affects how much money you can collect from Social Security. The more you make and saved and invested, the less you actually need the social security. Those who DO need the money seem to need it desperately and then it’s so very little. I gather the money used to go much further in the past but now?? Yikes.
We don’t teach savings and budgeting and investing in school. That should be part of the curriculum. Instead pre-approved credit cards are offered to people who enter college! I was raised with save-save-save and “don’t get into debt” but even then, I had to be interested in what to do with my savings. I am sure I could be smarter with my savings but it takes educating myself.
UT: I don’t expect people to take care of me but I do expect to age! I figure I’m gonna be active in my 90s! That’s the plan at least.
I do get those green Social Security forms delivered to me each year. I didn’t understand what the heck they were for when I was just out of high school! I see the money I can collect and dang! it’s not going to go very far. Might pay rent in the year 2032! Maybe.
My mother is fortunate to have me and she’s probably tired of people telling her all the time. My mom has always been different and when I came along as soon as I was old enough she had me caring for her in various ways. I was very co-dependent. Took me a while to break out of that and she put up a big fight using every emotional trick in the book. I love my mom and if she could, she’d have me live with her and take care of all her needs. I did that for the first part of my life and I don’t want to do it again. It wasn’t healthy. I’ve become ok with helping out and taking on more these days but in the future I know that I will have to hire some type of caregiver or meal delivery or something. I was hoping she’d stay healthier but she’s tends to focus on all the bad things in her life and so her health slowly deteriorates. I’m a believer that a positive attitude keeps you healthier!
I worry about how I will care for her along with myself - I don’t want to sacrifice my future for her present nor does she really want me to. The situation has caused me to face some big fears which is a great thing. I know that I’ll find a way.
When it comes to your mom accepting help - acceptance can be very hard. I’ve only began accepting help recently - like when my Younger Dude wanted to buy me some groceries and I allowed him to. It made him happy and he would have been even happier if he could have purchased more for me! Sometimes help can be a very tough sale - like let’s say you bring over some groceries or something special like … salmon (you mentioned she cooked salmon for you once I think!) and she says, “That is so expensive” or something and you have to go through the “Well, it’s good for you..Omega-3s and sometimes you cook for me and I’d like you to have something special…”
It takes a while to figure out that receiving help doesn’t make you weak or poor or a bad person.
Ms. Q have we met before? The statement, “That is so expensive” or something and you have to go through the “Well, it’s good for you..Omega-3s and sometimes you cook for me and I’d like you to have something special…” sounds exactly like something I would say.
I realize that I share the same trait regarding accepting help as my mother. I refuse to borrow or ask for help in my personal life no matter how down and out I may be. My brother is a little different. He will ask but wouldn’t want to ask for too much.
I love them both.
UT: Have we met? Perhaps…in a prior life! We’ve “spoken” enough with each other and I’ve read your blog long enough to have some idea of how you think. Plus, we have that whole “Dreidel song” thing going on - how freaky is that??!!
We may be quite different on the outside but it seems we have a lot in common on the inside.
I don’t like asking for help but I do ask for advice and emotional support (”let me cry on your shoulder…”). People are used to me taking care of myself and “handling” things.
My mom has been so dependent on “the kindness of strangers” that it made me the opposite - I never want to be dependent on anyone. Being dependent on others can make you a very angry person, especially if the person you’re dependent on makes you “pay” in some way or you don’t feel you have any choices.
Dependence can also makes people afraid - they don’t feel like they can express themselves like showing their bad side.
It’s taken me a long time to make my mom realize that I won’t abandon her. I know she still has some of that fear. That fear makes her angry with me and at times she returns to some of her old button-pushing tricks. Not that she says she’s angry or expresses it, I can tell by all the passive-aggressive stuff.
It’s a delicate balance and we’re constantly reworking our relationship.
Sometimes I get very tired of being the mom but this is what life has given me and I do the best I can to learn from it.
Your brother is younger, isn’t he?
You have a great memory. You remember Salmon and the “Dreidel song.”
My brother is older than me but not by much.
Yeah, it’s scary to think about. And even having kids is no guarantee. My kids *might* be able to help me out in my old age. I can hope they will. My parents have me, but I can barely figure out my OWN paperwork. Actually, sometimes I CAN’T figure out my own paperwork. ****I**** sure wouldn’t trust me with anything with anything like a retirement fund or anything to do with visiting a social security office.
Actually I HAVE visited the social security office once in order to change back to my maiden name. I waited four hours in line only for them to tell me it was the rules that my name had to be changed on my driver’s liscence first. They said they’d hold my place in line & then I waited ANOTHER four hours at the dept of motor vehicles to get my liscence changed, only for them NOT to have held my place in line. So when I give my liscence (I have no idea how to spell that) out for ID, I always have to say, “I’m not really that mean. It’s just that I was about to cry in that picture.”
UT: I tend to recall images when I think of people and these images are things that for whatever reason, my mind finds defining for that person. I recall how nice you felt when you mom made you a meal, the simplicity of it and I have this entire snapshot of you in her kitchen and the silence messages exchanged. When it comes to the dreidel song … it just seemed so unusual to know a non-Jewish person who sang that as a kid and a bit of an ‘outsider’!
Jill: I may be speaking out of turn here but I think you can actually figure out your paperwork IF YOU HAD TO. You probably aren’t all that interested in figuring it out which is different than not having the aptitude.
I think you’ve bashed yourself about your financial acumen in the past but you’re pretty sharp.
I am not that knowledgeable about finances but I’ve been learning and over time I’ve learned about asset allocation and how pre-tax deductions REALLY helps to save me on taxes!
I dislike paperwork and small print and all that. But..I do it because I have to. I see people who shove that stuff under a pile or sign things without reading. I also see people who sign things without reading and whine later about “I didn’t know that…”
If I didn’t read, I don’t whine. I try to stay away from whining as much as I can!
Having children is not guarantee at all. In fact, I have heard of a few elderly parents who are STILL bailing out their adult children! Egads! My dad paid for my tuition when I decided to return to school. I hadn’t asked and he generously offered. He even paid for books (I asked for that!). I was about 25 at the time and thought asking my parents for money a bit much at that age!
Also, some children can’t afford to help their parents.
Thanks for sharing your government agency experiences! Sounds like a great blog post (especially if you include the driver’s license photo!)
Oh - I have to type and sometimes retype “license” to see if it looks right.
Oh I try never to read anything I sign…especially when it’s a school notice! I was actually in the middle of (another) school notice post - I’ll have to stick that part in there…maybe…if I can…
Jill: You’re kidding about not reading things you sign..right?!!
You know I often wonder who’s going to take care of me when I get old but I hope it’s not an issue when I reach that point.
I’ve been in a social security office cause I lost my card. I would hate to work there. Seemed depressing.
Ricardo: I dunno who will take care of me, either. Part of me is worried but a bigger part is thinking that things will work out - I meet many loving good people and I also try to be loving and good (like attracts like!) and I see being surrounded by loving people in my old age!
I am not seeing myself becoming decrepit!
I wouldn’t want to work for social security but my mom’s caseworker was really nice! And the people waiting for help seemed to be “we’re all in this boat together.”
Despite this, I don’t want to work for any government agency. Mediocrity seems encouraged. I’ve heard both sides of the public/agency story and I can see why the public is frustrated and the agency is jaded.
Totally not kidding. I mean, I read my divorce decree. And I imagine that if I bought a car or something, I’d at least skim. But in general I try not to read. Most of the time it’s buy or don’t buy - there’s no crossing out line 14 on page 329 because you don’t agree with it or changing the wording so that you get charged $9.50 a month instead of $10…so mostly I try not to bother.
Jill: You’re right in the “buy or don’t buy” and I generally skim documents as opposed to reading every line. I do try to at least skim!
I signed up for the Million Dollar Avatar when it first came out and the FIRST agreement had wording that said something along the lines of “We own anything you post” or something. I designed my own avatar and the wording was such that it looked like they could own my avatar. I wrote them and they changed the wording - I am sure it was some ‘boilerplate’ agreement.
Usually I just skim - like those EULA when you download or install software? Same stuff so I barely even skim that.