Jul 03 2008
Simple and Complicated
I was running around the lake late last weekend and bumped into a friend I hadn’t seen in months.
I don’t know him that well so he’s not a close friend but we like each other. He’s in his sixties and used to be an ultra runner and is now struggling with bouts of depression because of poor health.
He used to be in fantastic shape, his sense of self is bound with his athleticism and he’s trying to come to terms with his new self, a self he sees as diminished.
He’s a man of habit and when I spotted him as I did my run I waved and held up both arms in exaggerated welcome.
He’s a bit reserved but he smiles and I go up for a hug - a quick one, not too close.
He wants me to continue on my run - it’s cold and he doesn’t want me to cool down too much but it’s been MONTHS since I’d seen him so I say no problem and I ask if he’s in the mood for some company and he is so we walk together.
We catch up a bit on the news, he’d heard a bit about me from the “old dudes” - they told him about how my job was going and that I wasn’t running around the lake as much.
He tells me of his mom who’s 90 and her health and how his wife is going to visit soon. She lives in another state.
He sighs and says, “I won’t bore you, it’s just complicated.”
I already know a bit of his story, how his parents’ health began to fail so he moved back to take care of them. This his father passed away and now his mother has poor liver function and his wife stayed behind.
“I’d be able to handle this all so much better if I weren’t in the shape I’m in…if I were feeling better but…”
I say, “It sounds like so much for you. It sounds like it’s all up to you.”
“It’d be easier if I just didn’t have this bad health…”
“It sounds lonely.”
He says, “It’s complicated. My wife has her friends back home, she’s happy…she’s happier there..it’s complicated…”
I ask, “What do you want? I mean, take away the complications and what would you really like?”
He asks, “What do you mean?”
I ask, “Would you like to have your wife with you?”
He says, “Well…all things being equal, yes. But it’s complicated.”
Maybe. But the words, “In sickness and in health” came to mind.
We complete his 2-mile circuit and hug. He hugs me briefly but I go in for another one and hold him for a little while longer.
Love. So simple.
Humans. So complicated.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Oh my, what a touching and bittersweet story. :-/
Awww.
That sounds really tough. 
His mom can’t move closer to him? Maybe he can move there since his wife’s so happy there. 
I’m glad it wasn’t one of the old dudes though. I was afraid when I first started reading that you hadn’t kept up with them or that one of them was sick.
Sue: yeah. I’m always touched when children take responsiblity of their aging or ill parents - so few people can (money or space or whatever) or want to.
I know people who take care of a parent (usually one has passed on) and that parent is.. difficult. Difficult as in their unresolved emotional issues didn’t age like fine wine, but turned into vinegar. But these people do their “duty” - usually there is some love but not much hope for it to be returned in any healthy way.
But that doesn’t seem to be the case with my friend.
Jill: Yeah, my friend is having a rough time. His mom owns a home and moving out of state would be difficult. His mother’s doctors are all local and at one point I guess she was close to dying. She seems to be hanging in there so my friend is in a bit of a limbo - he doesn’t want her to die but until she does, he can’t leave.
I’m also not sure how their relationship is - it sounds respectful and friendly more than close and loving but really, I have no idea. I think they’ve been married over 30 years though.
The old dudes may be older than my friend although younger dude calls my friend the “old guy” which seems odd, yet not, since my Melancholy Friend is ill and moves slowly and stiffly and is smaller (frailer as well as shorter) than the other 2. He’s also much lighter. The old dudes are black and blacker and my Melancholy Friend is white and freckly.
I chat with Younger Dude regularly and since I get to leave work early today, we will be walking around the lake! Yippee!
I let Melancholy Friend know that I was open to getting together with him when he was able - it was up to him and his energy levels. He’s very reserved but my extending the invitation and being clear about it made him realize I was serious and he emailed me saying he may be up for getting together but he really wasn’t sure and he may change his mind at the last moment and he was sorry if that was the case. I thought it great that he was willing to give getting together a shot!
All these men are great. I just wish I could rename Melancholy Friend to Mr. Contentment or something.
Ms. Q, this was a really compelling story! It seems that this man is really having a hard time. Also, it does hurt when u have your own things going on and someone u care for expresses hurt. It rubs off on us when we care about the next person and it would be easier to give aid when we didn’t have so much on us. There’s only so much one can do when the other person doesn’t care to let us in to exactly what is troubling them. The most we can do is pray for them. I truly hope things turn around for your friend and his family. Great post! Thanks for sharing!!!
Dean-Sean: Yes, he really is having a hard time. We thought we might get together today but then he wrote me telling me he wasn’t up for it.
You are so right that it can be so hard to help others when we are too busy handling our own difficulties.
He’s been struggling with his depression for about 4 years. I can’t even imagine. He’s also on pain and depression medications which don’t have the best side effects. He studies philosophy and has pondered about the meaning of life. Unfortunately, he seems to believe that it has little meaning and that when we die, that is all there is.
I recall having such a belief and my 2 South African friends were very sad about this. They didn’t push their religion beliefs on me but they have such faith that they could not see how I could live without the belief that there was a meaning to life.
When you surrender to a higher power, when you admit that you can’t handle it all alone, the walls have tumbled down and love can enter.
Simply complicated. I feel for this person. I’m glad you shared a hug with him. It sounds like he could really use one and so much more.
UT: I bumped into him again and we chatted some more and this time around we sat on a bench and spoke for a whle longer. When we hugged goodbye he gave me a BIG hug. In many ways he’s reserved but he also shares so much about himself. He’s very formal in his language (very precise and uses words like “heuristic”) as well.
When we spoke, he said, “Well, you’re a bit reserved.” and I said that I am more reserved around him to match him. He thought I may be adapting (some people change character around others) and I said that we all do that to some extent but I was not as “huggy” as usual since he seemed uncomfortable with that. I then mentioned how I give hugs to the Old Dudes whom he has met and he thunk about how I am around them.
Which is why I think he felt OK with giving me the BIG and tight hug. We all do our bit and if we can brighten someone’s day just a little, that’s a great day, huh?