Aug 29 2008
Looking For Love: The Right Shtuff
Continuing my post on searching for love.
I’m all for being struck by Cupid’s arrow and love at first sight. This connects to my artistic, creative side.
I also like planning, checklists and maybe a cheat sheet. This ties in with my cautious and scientific side.
We all have some idea of our “perfect mate.” Some characteristics of our perfect mate (eye color, height, taste in music, facial hair) may be optional but others (desire for children, age, personal hygiene) may not be.
In my last post, I mentioned the book, “Profiling Your Date: A smart woman’s guide to evaluating a man” by Caroline Presno.
In one chapter the author describes the Top Ten Characteristics to look for in a man. She explains that the list applies to both men and women but of course, her book is about women looking for Mr. Right.
Her Top Ten Characteristics are based on Maslow’s definition of self-actualized people.
After reading her list, I think they are on MY list of “Must Haves” in my Perfect Mate (brown eyes are optional, intelligence is not)
The Right Shtuff: Top Ten Characteristics of the Self-Actualized Person
- Creative
- Perceptive
- Independent
- Curious
- Warm
- Ethical
- Humble
- Open
- Funny
- Able to enjoy “peak experiences”
Digging into this list….
- Creative: doesn’t have to mean the person is an artist or writer or obviously creative. Creativity means imagination, inventiveness.
- Perceptive: Insightful, able to detect phoniness. Self-actualized people don’t like to play emotional games.
- Independent: Needs some “alone time” - this is not about not needing someone, it’s about needing the “space” for self-reflection, focus and being true to oneself.
- Curious: Likes to ask questions, learn new things, looks at problems from different sides. This person is engaged with the world.
- Warm: affectionate, inviting!
- Ethical: a sense of justice, of fairness, of right and wrong. Is a good person but strives to be a better one.
- Humble: the self-actualized person is comfortable and confident with whom they are. They have no need to brag to bring them up, or degrade to drag others down.
- Open: unashamed of who they are. You’ll feel comfortable around an open person and conversations are usually effortless.
- Funny: Everyone has different things that make them laugh but a self-actualized person will not be funny at the expense of others.
- Able to enjoy “peak experiences”: who doesn’t want to become engrossed and captivated by something? I know I’m touched when I can share that “WOW” with someone.
Based on my own dating experiences, I have a couple of uh, Q-Tips:
Warning sign: your date is an angry driver. I’m not sure if this applies to women drivers but if you’re dating someone who is making snide comments about other drivers and generally gets angry and irritated in traffic…probably an Issue-Laden individual. Actually, snide and critical comments in general are warning signs.
Good sign: your date makes you feel good about yourself, you feel energized being with them. If you begin to feel badly about yourself…watch out! Some people are very subtle about tearing you down. Even if you have doubts about yourself and your worth, your date shouldn’t make you feel worse. There is a difference between a bad date and a date that makes you feel badly about yourself.
Love long and prosper.
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I think there may be something to the warning signs when they are an angry driver. I went out with a man who, on our very first date, went completely batsh*t crazy on a guy who had pulled out in front of us — I mean, the other guy was a jerk for what he did, but my date’s response was out of proportion for the situation. After a few more dates, I learned more about him. He had been in Special Forces in the first Gulf War in Afghanistan, and had severe Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
While I felt for his situation, it wasn’t something I was willing to subject myself or my young daughter to, so I had to cut ties.
Ginger: ooch! Not a good sign on a first date! I hadn’t thought too much about the Angry-Driver sign until the last guy I went out on a few dates with. He talked the compassionate nice guy talk but it wasn’t until hmm, the 3rd date that he drove (we met at various places). Online dating and me being cautious so no going into a man’s car right away!
Anyway, he’s driving and he’s noticing all the bad drivers out there. Uh-huh. I was oblivious - I mean, I noticed what other drivers did but I chose a long time ago to just be safe and mellow while driving and not get all wound up about it. He was driving and I started to get tense with all the muttering about the other drivers.
Later on when I decided that this guy wasn’t for me, I thought about his driving and about other guys I’ve dated who were stressed drivers and LIGHTBULB (finally) I put “mellow driver” on the “good guy” list!
I mentioned this to a friend of mine and she laughed and said that years ago there was some dating advice she saw or read about and one tip was, “Have the guy drive in bad traffic and how he responds is a good indicator of what kind of person he is.”
I’d heard of the “rude to waitstaff” test but people can be nice to restaurant staff but freakin’ whacko while driving…I think driving taps int the “personal space” thing.
Good that you stopped seeing the guy. I too understand and can feel for someone going through trauma and working through their issues but I have no desire to rescue a man or help him work through his pain.
You just described me! Ha haaa!!!!!
I still want to sing a duet somehow some way with you … just sayin
Finally made to my one day off. I’m SO happy. “Whew”, that my thought of the day. Going on to read more MsQ!!
…. well, most of the time I am humble
Speedy!! (part 1): I agree with you - you have all 10 characteristics! I bet you also energize those around you and you’re probably goofy while driving although..you do a lot of driving for your job so you must have chosen to be mellow about it!!
Yeah, someday we’ll sing a duet - not sure how to manage it. Maybe I have to call you!!
Speedy!! (part 2): nothing wrong with tootin’ your own horn now and then! It’s actually quite amazing how you’ve managed to remain humble, what with all those gorgeous Hollywood women hanging on your arm as well as calling you up.
MsQ!! Yahh, all the starletts in Hollywood are like empty buckets of mop water though.
You can call me sometime … wouldn’t that be a hoot!!! If you do a song with “my” parts blank, I’ll do the rest.
Great to hear from you this mornin
Word on the angry driving being a warning sign. I also think that people who mistreat wait staff should be avoided at all costs.
Speedy!!: Does seem like many of the Starletts look pretty and work hard at staying pretty and get sucked into that icky belief that their only value is in their package which has them getting into all sorts of sad situations.
I will think about a “duet” recording with your parts blank! We’ll have to decide on a song. We seem to be able to sing the same songs (your deep manly-man voice and my low people-call-it-husky/smoky/dusky voice).
manager mom: yeah, people who mistreat wait staff, service folks or heck, anyone - time to keep an eye out.
The driving one can be very subtle - as I commented to Ginger, somehow driving taps into a “personal space” and control thing so a person may be fine with waitstaff but will take cutting into a lane as some type of personal affront.
Driving can bring out the worse in some folks!
Well I recommend a guy that doesn’t get angry when you dump an entire cup full of chocolate filled coffee all over his car on the third date!
It’s interesting that curiosity was on the list. I was thinking while we were camping this weekend how I love how curious Razor is. My Syrian friend brought out his hookah & with all the questions Razor was asking, you’d have thought he was about to open up his own hookah bar when we got done camping. And he’s like that about everything, which I LOVE.
Jill: I’ve always wondered if you had spilled hot chocolate or coffee and now I know the real story! I have been very impressed ever since I learned that about Razor. A guy that REALLY LAUGHED at spilt milk (kinda) IN HIS CAR!
Seeing that list was an eye-opener for me, too. Curiousity is a very good trait and I’d never thought of it as something to look for in a partner. But curious people do get excited about things.
I’m so glad you and Razor found each other. I’m tellin’ ya, the more I know about him, the more I like him!!